


Love at First Kiss

by Saturdaythe14th, Sundaythe15th (wake_me_when_it_updates)



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Character Death, Chubby Kink, Drama, Eventual Smut, Explicit Language, FACE Family, First Kiss, Getting Together, Grief/Mourning, Homophobia, M/M, Offensive Subjects, Past Spain/South Italy (Hetalia), Roleplay, Social Issues, Transgender OCs, kidnapping/abduction, non-con elements
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-10
Updated: 2017-12-09
Packaged: 2018-08-14 07:08:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 63,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8003137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saturdaythe14th/pseuds/Saturdaythe14th, https://archiveofourown.org/users/wake_me_when_it_updates/pseuds/Sundaythe15th
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lovino's life has been up and down and all around, but nothing has ever been as crazy as what his brother had signed him up for. A show where you kiss a stranger couldn’t possibly find anyone their so called perfect match. Lovino’s experiences have lead him to believe there is no love in the world at all. But when he his lips meet Alfred’s, he’s not so sure of himself anymore.</p><p> Inspired by <em>Love at First Kiss</em> on TLC</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Trepidus

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first full fledged fic. Updates will not be frequent, because I’m an overachieving law student and have frequent writers block. Thank you for giving my fic a chance, and hopefully one day I’ll finally finish this thing so I can write something new. Happy reading!
> 
> Tumblr: saturdaythefunkteenth
> 
> Also thanks to wake_me_when_it_updates for editing my work early on.

_"Come on Lovi, try it! ...for me? Please? Luddy's brother did it and it worked out for him! You could bring a date with you to our wedding if it works out. I'll even sign you up for you! It'll be fun, I promise!"_

That's what he said, and now here I am. I'm just 25 and my younger twin got it in his head that I needed a lover, all because he thinks I'm jealous that his wedding's in only a couple weeks. I'm definitely not jealous. What is there to be jealous of? That stupid muscular German groom of his? No way. 

None the less, he signed me up for the show Love at First Kiss. It's just another stupid American program made to waste people's time. You go into a room with white walls and floor, because you wouldn't want any distractions: And you kiss a complete stranger. 

Since I knew I would be on the show myself soon, I thought I'd see what was in for me and watch a couple runs of it. What I saw, was horrific. Rejection after rejection. Sure, there were a few success stories in there, but it was a rarity. 

When the time came, I found myself standing in that same room: a blank slate minus the camera crew to my right. I stared at the open doorway. I've had my share of romance; a couple dates, a handful of first kisses... 

What if they were ugly? What if they had bad breath? What if they tried to use too much tongue and it was gross or sloppy or weird? I would do this for Feli, and then I would leave.

I swallowed. I've never been more nervous in my life.

~~~

I didn't understand why Mattie didn't want me on this show. It worked out for him. He didn't think I wasn't ready did he? He's younger than me after all. Only by a few minutes, but still! 

If the people working for this show could find someone for Matt then they could find someone for me. I just had to make it perfect!

I told them I was up for pretty much anything...except for super buff guys I guess. That's more Mattie's thing. I want someone who's maybe not so tough like that because that's super cute and then I could save them and be their hero! 

If I thought this through it would turn out great. But there were so many factors. My hygiene is great but I thought it'd be best to chew more minty gum and stuff for a while before it. I planned my kiss out to the end. I would be passionate, but without tongue. How could I shove my tongue in a stranger's mouth? I would put one hand on their hip, the other on their cheek. I had to make sure I looked them in the eyes after we pulled away. 

I had it all down. Nothing could go wrong. I'm only 22, but I'm looking for commitment. No fooling around.

I walked down a corridor where I was told to head. Bright light spilled out of a wide open doorway to my right. I adjusted my glasses on my nose before I reached it. But when I did...

In the room, all that I could focus on was the man in the center of it. He was beautiful; hair laying perfectly minus one strand sticking up into a curl on his right, piercing golden eyes, and he was adorably short, maybe a half a head under myself. 

He knocked all thoughts out of my mind. I walked only slightly slower than my walk down the corridor, but I felt as if I were moving in slow motion.

As I approached, I realized he was shaking. His hands were clamped to each other and rested on his chest. He didn't look very tough...I wondered if I was intimidating him.

As I thought about comforting him, I subconsciously remembered the task at hand. 

I put a hand on his cheek, wrapped an arm around his hip, looked into his wide eyes... And closed them before putting my lips on his.

I didn't have half a brain to think about what I was doing. I took hold of his bottom lip, and brushed my tongue against it softly. I could feel that his hands were unclasped and now resting on my chest.

My mouth continued on its own with unruly passion as I fought to keep my tongue where it was. There was no way in hell I was going to scare this guy off. 

We pulled away nearly in sync to gasp for air. I couldn't tell when I looked at his face if he enjoyed it, only that he didn't hate it. 

I realized my arms were still around him for a few silent seconds and retracted. I didn't want to leave, but I knew I had to.

I turned and walked for the corridor. I turned back at the doorway, only to see his expression unchanged.

We were told before that after the kiss you can decide to go on a two minute speed date. I left to go straight to the speed date room. 

I needed to see him again. 

The room was very plain. A simple love seat with a coffee table in front. A timer on the table read 2:00. 

The panic only set in after I sat down. I hope didn't mess it up. Would I be able to forgive myself if he didn't show up?


	2. Natural Unpremeditation

Oh fuck.

What just happened?!

I'd finally snapped out of my daze and realized I was in a small dressing room. A giant mirror lined with lights sat in front of me. I leaned on a low counter line with mouthwashes and breath spray. I remembered the camera crew telling me something about making a decision before they slammed the door, and I was alone.

Shit. I was scared when I thought there was going to be a woman walking in! I was standing there with my teeth close to chattering before I saw a shadow closing in on the doorway. A GIANT shadow. Before I had a chance to process it, an equally muscular man walked into the room with a pace too fast for me to comprehend.

A man. A man had walked in. That little bastard Feliciano. I thought he was trying to find me a date, but oh no. He just wanted to embarrass me on fucking national television. Great. Well, I guess there's only one thing for me to do. If there's a man waiting for me in that speed-date room, he's going to have to hear along with the rest of this stupid country that I, Lovino Vargas, was straight, very straight indeed, and that my stupid brother fucked everything up! That way I can maintain some dignity.

And if there isn't a man waiting for me in that speed-date room, then... What does it matter? At least I won't have to see his stupid face again.

~~~

How long have I been sitting here?

I lost track after the first five minutes. I slouched forward and stared at the floor between my hands that hung in defeat. 

That guy was gorgeous. He didn't really seem stuck-up by the way he was shaking so... If he doesn't show up, it was me. 

Did I fuck up the kiss? It might have been perfect if I could've kept it together, but after I saw him I think my brain melted a little bit.

Was I not his type? What if he was more into really, really tall, slim guys and not a pudgy 5"10 pile of muscle like me? 

Is it my face? Does he not like glasses? I always thought I was at least descent looking, but...

I don't think my heartbeat has ever pounded harder in my ears before now. I was sure that my cheeks were the color of a shiny red apple. I just had to sit here and wait until the camera crew was done mocking me with their presence and told me that he wasn't coming.

To my left, the door that I had made myself avoid looking at since I sat down, was suddenly sliding open at snails pace. I stood reflexively. I struggled to calm my breathing and strode to the door to meet him as soon as it opened. 

As soon as the gap was big enough for him to force his way in, he rushed his way into my arms.

... Or maybe he wasn't expecting me to be standing so close to the doorway, ran into my chest, and I squeezed him into a hug, like I probably shouldn't have? 

Probably the latter, since when I loosed my grip to look at his face I was met with a scowl and a raised eyebrow. 

I couldn't be feeling too much regret now though, because he came! He fucking came! That means I'm not ugly! And I didn't fuck the kiss up too bad!

I was elated, and responded to his look with the biggest smile I could give him.

I pulled him into another hug, and rested my chin on his shoulder. When I spoke I was surprised that it didn't come out broken and shaky, but just relieved. "I'm so glad you decided to show up! Are you ready to start this speed date?" I said, lifting my head to look at him in the face again.

But this time I was surprised to see rosy red. Aww!! He was blushing!! After seeing that, call me impatient, but I couldn't help myself. I dragged him by the arm to the love seat and flopped down for the second time, patting the cushion next to me prompting him to sit as well. I was disappointed when he carefully sat himself as far from me as the seat allowed.

It wouldn't possibly get me down though! I was finally going to learn the name of the man that had quite obviously already stolen my heart. 

I pulled a pillow out from behind me to cuddle it into my chest, hoping it would keep me from fidgeting around too much, and pressed the start button on the timer on the table in front of the both of us now.

We would only have two minutes.


	3. Plan B

I'd just walked in and this already wasn't going as planned.

Once I'd chosen my fate and stormed down the hall, I arrived at the date room and struggled with the giant sliding door. This was the first of things that hadn't gone as planned.

To counter my failed attempt at throwing the door open, I threw myself into the room, where I landed face-first into muscly chest. And that was 'thing that didn't go as planned' number two.

To add onto that, I was trapped. The man I hadn't given a thought to since we left the room that we kissed in, a stranger I might add, was squeezing me like I was a family member he hadn't seen in years.

He pulled back to show me a grin, and then pulled me into an even closer hug. Now that I was in his hold once again and had a second close look at his face, one huge fact was finally brought to my attention. 

We had kissed. It was a great kiss actually, the kind you don't forget. It was soft and passionate, and most importantly, in my opinion, completely unpremeditated. You don't think about romance or passion, you feel it. And when he kissed me, I felt it. The shock of it all had fogged it in my mind, but now the memory was oh so very clear. I felt heat rise to my cheeks.

I heard a voice that I hadn't heard before that snapped me back into reality. It sounded somehow relieved and excited. I didn't make out what he said. I tried my best to avoid his eyes when he pulled back again, but that was yet another failure.

Before I was prepared I was dragged over to a decently sized boring love seat to match the lame red brick walls. 

I heard a 'beep' and saw that this other man had started some sort of timer. What were we doing here again exactly?! The timer read less than two minutes!

"So.... Uh, I'm Alfred! I really need to know your name." I was given an expectant look.

I wasn't prepared for a fucking interview, but I didn't have any killer comebacks prepared, plus that count down was making me nervous. I spat out my name without much hesitation. 

"Lovino." He seemed somewhat pleased, if his extending grin said anything. "How fucking old are you? You're bouncing up and down like a child."

He didn't seem fazed by my harsh words at all, in fact, his face seemed to light up even more, if that was at all possible. "22. I thought that now would be the perfect time to start looking for the real deal. You?" 

"My age?" I replied, attempting to sound offended. "...Or if I'm looking for love?" I waited a second, but there was no response, not that it needed one, and continued. "First, 25. Second, fuck no." 

He flinched as the word 'no' had left my lips, which made me smirk a little. Why do you think I speak to people the way I do? Talking to me isn't supposed to be easy.

"But why would you sign up for a show called 'Love at First Kiss' if you don't want to find love?" He sounded like a kicked puppy. I would never actually say this, but it was kind of adorable. "You just wanted to make out with a handsome stranger?" Less adorable. 

"Calm it with the accusations, fucker. My little brother signed me up for this show. He's getting married to a guy that I, quite frankly, find fucking disgusting, in a little over a month, and didn't want me showing up still single. So, here I am."

"Oh! ... Well um... Where are you from?" His original cheerfulness had mostly dissipated, which didn't seemed to fit him. He seemed to be concentrating a little too hard on me and every word out of my mouth, and it made me shift of the edge of the seat.

"I'm from Italy, if that's not obvious. If you're thinking about the Mario Brothers right now, I'll slit your throat." I stated matter-of-factly. 

His eyes widened a little at that, but this wasn't the result I was hoping for. How was I supposed to scare this guy off? Plan B was going to work, damn it. Plan B had to work. It never worked before, but I only ever had to use it once. 

"Cool! I don't think I've actually ever met someone from Italy before." He looked around to check if anyone was listening, as if there wasn't already a camera crew and entire nation judging our every move. "I'm super curious... How many guys have you been with before now?"

Shit. Be honest on national television? I don't know. It's not something I would normally do, but something in his eyes... Alfred's eyes, made me feel like I couldn't lie. "... Just one."

"Just one? That's crazy." He spoke, genuinely surprised. 

"Crazy? What about you then?"

"I don't know, a dozen or so? None that lasted very long though... I want something that'll last, but I don't know what kind of person to go for. I thought maybe a more random kind of match up might be good for me."

"That's stupid." 

"You think so?" For some unknown reason, his smile was creeping its way back.

I sucked in a breath to let him know exactly how stupid he was, but was interrupted by the beeping coming from in front of us.

Next, I knew, we were supposed to decide whether we wanted to go on an actual date or not. I had so much more to say to him, so I had to go. He hadn't been insulted enough yet. I didn't even get the chance to tell him how much he sucked at kissing.


	4. Capricious Fun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is the first half of the boys’ first date. This one's a much longer chapter than I normally do, since I'm just getting used to this whole thing. Just when to NYCC in cringy cosplay because I suck as a human being. I posted this at like 2:30 am.
> 
> I seriously need to sleep now.

Before I knew it, and by that I mean a day later, I was waiting for Lovino for our first date!

This is crazy, dude! He's like, super cool. First, he was foreign, so he had a wicked cool accent. Second, he was feisty, far more than I could've imagined, considering the vibe he seem to give during the first kiss.

He's older than me, but I thought we fit nicer that way. I don't think I'd want a younger guy. Younger guys were immature, much like myself really, but that's not the point!

The point is, so far everything was going perfectly. I just had to hope that he'd show up, so we could have a perfect first date too. Maybe, by the end of the day, I'd have a boyfriend!

But what was the perfect place for a perfect date? I thought it'd be nice to get out of the city and go to my favorite diner just a couple miles out. The owner was nice and the food was good, plus it brought back some great childhood memories. Showing that to Lovino would be awesome, but what would be better is if we met a little ways away from the diner and walked there through the park!

So there I was sitting on a tiny-ass bench in the park, pretending to be playing a game on my phone, and looking around every ten seconds to see if he showed up yet.

I started to lose myself thinking about how this could all go down, when a shadow of a figure with their hands on their hips stared down at me. Sitting in the same place like that for so long caused me to shiver. I was pretty damn cold for May!

Just then an equally cold voice brought back my wandering mind for the second time. "So are we going to do this or what?" I looked up to see a beaut of a tiny man with an adorable aubergine jacket and melanic skinny jeans. I got up in a rush and wrapped my arms around him, one, because I was happy to see him, and two, to leach off of his body heat a little.

"Yea! Let's go. The walk altogether should only be about ten minutes." I strained myself from grabbing his hand before we started walking. I'm not sure if it's completely normal to do that right away. I'm I acting like an eight year old? Maybe, but in the moment it didn't feel right, particularly because Lovino's hand were tucked firmly into his jacket pockets, and didn't seem willing to budge.

We walked in silence for nearly half of the walk. It was fun to watch him admire the variety of flowers the park provided. He seemed to be getting bored though, so I ran to a rose bush on the edge of the curvy, wide sidewalk, and plucked one, wincing inwardly at the pricks it put in my hand.

I stumbled clumsily back to him, scraping the thorns off the stem will my thumbnail along the way, where he stood tapping his seemingly far too expensive looking shoes.

I offered the flower of dark red to him romantically and exaggeratedly. I know I looked like a total dork, and maybe that's why he accepted with a look of concern, but it was working, seeing as how, once I got up from my one knee, I heard him try to hide a giggle. The best course of action at the moment would be not to tease him about it until he was more comfortable with me. Can't have him getting mad at me just yet!

"So, what kind of place are we eating at exactly? It better not be as shitty as what I'm expecting." He said, now twirling the rose between his fingers, as we started to walk again.

"It's just a small family diner I've been going to since I could barely walk. I know the people there pretty well, and the food's good, but other than that, it's nothing special." There was a long pause, and he looked like he wanted to say something. "Yo, are you okay?"

He shook the concern from his face before speaking. "Oh. I uh... I guess I should let you know that I was thinking about not coming today."

The sudden weight on my chest stopped me in my tracks. He stopped after a few more steps and turned back to face me. We had only just left the park so we're now next to the road. A car going at outrageous speeds flew by us, kicking up a breeze that blew our fringes dramatically. 

"Then... Why'd you come?" I wish that I hadn't made myself sound so depressing.

"I called my brother yesterday to complain, and he told me to give you a chance. So, that's what I'm doing. I can't find love because I'm a giant asshole, so if their someone that's interested in me, I should see what they're all about. Heaven knows that me trying to change my shitty attitude never works out." His voice was monotone, making me feel as though he may have not have given up on me, but had almost definitely given up on himself.

"Oh... Well, you know we don't have to continue this if you're not interested. You shouldn't have to force yourself into anything that-"

"No! Shut the fuck up for a second. If I weren't interested at all there's no way I would even think about coming," he sighed. "Look, I came because I wanted to talk to you again. You don't have to be a big baby about it."

"But-"

He cut me off again with a growl. "Fuck it! The kiss was good, okay?! And you might be somewhat attractive! I just..." I could see him starting to tear up.

Oh. I get it. He's the type that doesn't express his feelings well. That's...kind of funny actually.

"Oh fuck! Come here," I squealed. I lunged at him and wrapped him in my arms, crushing the flower between us. "I'm sorry that I keep overreacting. Would it be creepy if I used 'I'm in love with you' as an excuse?"

"Only a little. This _is_ our first date, but I can't seem to pick up any creep vibes from you. Not even after _that_." He smiled softly in a way that made my heart flutter. "Maybe the wonderful stench of garbage is clouding my creep radar."

"Now that you mention it, it does smell like total shit out here. Come on, let's go!" I grabbed his hand and took off before he could even think to protest. No time to waste, I'm hungry!

~~~

He pulled me along in a near sprint until we burst into a the tiny diner that looked like any other and doubled over to catch our breaths. The chime of the door caught the attention of a waitress, the only one there as far as I could see. She sported a grin almost as big as Alfred's normal expression. Honestly I don't understand how his cheeks don't hurt from doing that all day.

"It's been awhile Alfred! Who's this handsome young man?" She cooed. After catching my breath I couldn't help but give her a flirtatious look in response to the compliment.

"Oh, hey Liz! This is Lovino!" He beckoned her a little closer and then spoke so only the three of us could hear. "This is our first date." 

Smart move. I wouldn't want to get any weird looks from any of the old couples that were crowding the place. It seemed as though we were the only people there under 50 if you don't count the nice lady, Elizabeta, as her name tag read, who looked to be in her mid thirties. 

"How wonderful! Let's get you boys seated. Come with me..." 

She brought us to a booth that had those same cold, red leather seats that I've seen in every diner in a movie. Alfred and I sat across from each other, and the fact that it was so roomy made it even more uncomfortable. We kept our jackets on in fear of getting sick. Elizabeta sat two ordinary looking menus on the edge of the table.

"Take your time cuties!" It was strange to see a woman working all by herself remain so upbeat.

I picked up the remaining menu that Alfred hadn't rushed to grab and was horrified. You'd expect a place with nothing but old people to serve home cooked meals and such, but all I could see was fried shit, greasy shit, and sugary shit. No thank you.

When I looked back up I found him peering at me over his menu. He kept looking at me with those big puppy dog eyes.

"Hey so... Do you think... I could call you Lovi? Does anyone already call you that?"

"My stupid fucking brother does. My ex did too, and still does, actually. A couple of other people that aren't worth mentioning."

"So that's a no then?" He said, sounding slightly disappointed.

"Call me what you will, just don't be a dick about it." And it was true, I didn't care what people called me. Unless they called me 'shortie' or the similar. I can't tell you how many balls I've kicked because of that one.

"Cool! So uh, speaking of your brother, how old is he?"

"What, are you looking for someone a little more your age?" I feel like I couldn't be more obvious that was just trying to poke at him.

"No way! I was just curious!"

"Fine. He's my little twin brother. Though sometimes I feel like the age gap between us is even larger than yours and mine."

"First, I have a younger twin too, oh my fucking God. His name's Mattie and he's always silently scolding me for everything I do when I'm doing just fine. Secondly, our age gap isn't that big. Like at all. My dad and, well, my other dad are like, six, seven years apart?"

"You have two dads?" I knew this was more of a common thing now and everything, but somehow I still let myself get surprised by it. 

"Sorry to interrupt, boys, but I've got to get an order from ya." She nearly gave me a heart attack from popping up like that. "So what'll it be Al, the usual?"

"Yea I think so. How 'bout you, Lovi my bro?" 

"I don't know, a Cesar Salad and like, a water, I guess?"

"Okay dear, it won't be long." She giggled before galloping off.

"I didn't know you were the healthy-eater type or whatever you call 'em." He said with a smirk.

"Because I'm fucking not, carbs are my only friends, I swear."

"How do you keep the weight off then? You're too thin!" He glanced down at his own only slightly pudgy and obviously muscular belly.

"Easy. Stay away from excess grease and red meat. Oh! And sugar too. That stuff kills." Heart disease is the biggest killer in America, and there's no way in hell I'd be one of the three in every five that die from that shit. Yeah, I know my shit, back the fuck off!

"Oh..." He looked away from me with pouted lips and cheeks gently flushed.

It made me uneasy that couldn't help but stare at them, his lips I mean. I started to furrow my brow thinking about how pissed I was for letting myself get tricked into being attracted to yet another man. 

I wanted to get my mind off of it, but what was a good conversation starter?

"Are you a virgin, by chance?" I felt pass my lips without another thought. I laughed my way through the end of the question, putting my face in my hands to cover my smile and red face.

His whole face lit up in shock at that. "Oh! I...um......uh..." He couldn't get any full words out, which made it even more funny. "Hey! Why are you laughing at me?" 

"No, God I'm sorry. I can't believe I even asked that." I said, attempting to cease my own giggles.

"Don't worry about it! It's just... Is this like a yes or no question, or is it something you want a little more detail on?"

"Whatever you want to tell me, really." I spoke when I was finally calm.

"Well, I'm not one, but I've never done anything with a dude before. I had a couple girlfriends though, and so..." He trailed off, which is good. I didn't want to hear more of it anyway. Disgusting. "How about yourself? If it's okay to ask the same." 

"Are you absolutely sure you want to know?"

"More so since you say it like that." And he leaned in with a sexy smirk. 

"Given and received oral with my ex. So I have a good bit of experience in that, at least. Not my proudest achievement." The memories of so left a bad taste in my mouth.

"That one boyfriend you talked about? And why the fuck would he ever let go of somebody like you?"

"I had to dump him, actually. The whole thing was making me uncomfortable. I didn't ever want to go any farther with him than that."

"Did he have a small dick or...?" His tone was stupidly genuine.

"Uh...no." 

"What, then?"

"The age gap! He was ten fucking years older than me! It's just weird, yea? I know some people work just fine with age gaps, but I can't. It's disgusting to me." 

"Is three years too big of an age gap to you?"

"No, that's not that much of one..." I sort of hated that age gaps had to be brought up for the second time while we've been sitting here.

The conversation came to an end once again as Liz appeared next to the table with a tray balanced on one shoulder. My heart jump a little at the thought that she might've heard any of that. Her smile told me that she probably did.

"Here you go! Double cheeseburger with a large fry and a diet soda...and a large vanilla milkshake for Alfred," she said as she placed the items in front of us. "...and for Lovino." She winked in my direction before skipping across the room to another table.

Alfred dug in right away, picking up the sandwich nearly too big for even his hands, which was dripping juice from the patties, from the tomatoes, from its colorful condiments, and all gathering in a puddle of grease on the plate he leaned over. I poked at my own intermittently. It was somehow mesmerizing, watching him like this, in complete focus on the junk he stuffed down his throat. He switched between them in a distinct pattern: a few bites of the messy American signature, slurp of dark soda of fake sugar, slender sticks of slimy fried potato handfuls at a time, then he'd suck down enough frozen vanilla to give me a headache three times over. And repeat.

With the straw of the cup leading to the milkshake in his mouth, he finally seemed to remember my presence. 

"Oh! Sorry... I'm a mess aren't I?" He said, adjusting his glasses with his wrist to avoid getting them slimy.

"I would say yeah, considering I would never talk to you again if you touched me with those hands right now. They're fucking dripping."

"If you're not being scared off by this there must be something you like about me right? What do you look for in a guy?" He smothered his hands in brown napkins, presumably to please me. 

"Well I haven't exactly been looking for anything." I tried to sound malicious, but obviously came off like a spoiled teenager. "I don't even know why I'm still here."

He lifted his eyebrows with the kind of smirk I hated to see on a man."Then leave." He dared.

I stood, catching the attention the attention of some neighboring tables of elderly, but I couldn't manage to push myself out of the booth. What was weighing down my feet had to be that one thing. My thoughts wandered back to that blank slate of a room where this whole mess first started as Alfred and I stared each other down like territorial lions. The kiss. How magnificent it was. I didn't realize right away that this fire that I was feeling was being fueled by a craving I wasn't fully familiar with, but undeniably, it was this memory that lit the flame. 

I broke the staring contest between the two of us and left the booth. I swung around the table and balled my fist around the collar of his sweatshirt before speeding in the opposite direction towards the men's restrooms.

This was still our first date, so I was aware that there still must be cameras on us from that horrendous television show. They wouldn't buzz off until after today, and then they should be gone for good. This was too much for me too endure for the rest of this, and I'm not much for expressing myself in front of anyone, let alone millions. A little privacy was all I could hope for.

Perhaps Feliciano's little advice wasn't as stupid as I imagined. God's going to really hate me right now, but fuck it!

Once the heavy door of the men's restrooms barricaded us from wandering prejudice eyes in the dining area, with my grasp still firm on Alfred's collar, I slammed myself against a patch of open wall. The momentum pulled him into me. The satisfaction of our lips being together again was unbelievable. He was instantly responsive, and quickly took control. I threw my arms over his shoulders and gripped the shirt on his back to keep myself from melting to the floor.

How could someone so stupid, so childish, so disgusting, make me...

I pushed him back to look him in the eyes. "This place sucks. Next time... we're going to my place. I'll show you what real food is." And though I was still out of air, I pulled him back in for more.


	5. Taste of Adventure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like offensive things. Offensive things are my favorite. Like offensive things too? Then I think you should keep reading.
> 
> Second half of a first date. Here we go...

"This place sucks. Next time... we're going to my place. I'll show you what real food is."

Maybe I would've taken it as an insult, but with our lips melding together, quickening breaths, speeding pulses... it was too easy to ignore. 

I was completely uncertain if I really knew the man I was locking lips with at all, but something...something powerful...was driving me. There was no way to restrain myself now. 

And when he pulled away for a second time, panting so loud I feared the poor old folks outside may hear, I moved my lips down further, trailing down his neck to what of his chest was exposed after I fumbled with his jacket zipper. It was only then that I was able to put together the thought that we were extremely lucky that this restroom was empty.

Lovino batted me on the forehead as if he were swatting a fly. 

"Stop that! What if you...leave a mark or something?" He made a quick glance towards the door. His face was a bright crimson, reminding me of the slightly acidic taste of his tongue. Was it...tomatoes? 

I threw an eyebrow up. (And rubbed my forehead a little. That kinda hurt!) Perhaps I took it as a challenge, but it's hard to describe when you run fully on instinct.

I dropped to my knees. His breath hitched in anticipation. I lifted just a bit of his shirt to reveal my most favorite part of the human body...

The tummy~!

And there it was. Devoid of any muscle tone as you would find on my own, and lightly tanned like thin spread honey. The best part was the dip below the belly button and where the fat bulged out just a bit, letting me know he was well fed.

When I spoke, my voice was a little bit rougher than normal, but even at that I could never compare to a sultry voice like Lovi's. "Will they notice if I leave a mark... here?"

Immediately I grabbed the flesh below him belly button with my lips and teeth, suckling and nibbling until it matched the color of his face, my own probably not being that far off. He buried his face in both hands, just hardly managing to stifle what I assumed to be the kind of moans I've only really heard in fantasies (and maybe pornos, but shh!). I hope that one day I'll hear them for real, open and unrestrained. I halted to admire my work, or the randomly strewn red marks above his waistline. 

We both jumped then, when we heard footsteps approaching the cold metal door.

I scrambled up from the floor, while Lovi patted down his clothing and tried to fan some of the redness from his face. He leaned against the wall again now, this time more casually. 

I turned to the mirror and faked fixing up my hair as I watched a weirdly lanky, tall old man push open the restroom door.

"Come on Alfred! Hurry up and wash your hands so we can get out of here. I'm tired of this place."

"Oh! Yeah, sorry dude." I quickly scrubbed my hands clean of its soft scent of grease. The man that had entered squinted at us before heading towards the first stall, and thankfully, said nothing. Doesn't it feel great when you don't get caught?

With a new found spring in my step, I skipped over to Lovi and followed him back out into the dining area. It seemed Liz left the check on the table in our absence.

After we were both seated again, he reached out hesitantly to the check. 

"No, it's fine. I'll take it. I'm the one that dragged you here anyway." He folded his arms and pouted. What, did he want to pay? 

There was so many things that where telling me this guy didn't know what he wanted, like his heart was telling him one thing and his gut another. I feel like there's a little more to his past relationship than he's letting on. 

But this is going to work. I just know it. Just like that show had worked for Mattie, it was going to work for us. It was all so very strange, but whatever kind it was, Lovino and I had some sort of feelings for each other. It may not be love just yet, but it felt like something close. Something so real and full of passion. 

What was weirder, I was paying for our meal, and hadn't finished the last little bit of my food. I can't even recall the last time I let anything to go to waste, excluding all of the times I had to pretend that dad was any good at cooking. Keeping those scones down was hard enough! But I digress. What I think was the cause of this was the buzz of excitement I got after Lovi told me he wanted to cook for me. He seems to be a guy with high standards when it comes to food, so whatever he had in mind had to be brilliant, and more importantly, not British.

~~~

Succeeding the long and painful process that was waiting for Alfred to pay, he took my hand before heading back to the street. I didn't have the energy to protest, even with the number of old farts raising eyebrows at us. I seemed to have spent all of my energy on thinking...and our little... _moment_ in the bathroom. I wish I wouldn't contradict myself so much. I'd like to start something with Alfred. Really! He seems like a great guy. So...what is it that's holding me back again? 

At first it was just my horrible state of denial, and of course, it's still hard for me to comprehend that I'd ever have interest in any man. But I guess I'd known from the beginning that I was destined to be a disappointment. A disappointment to Grandpa, and to God, if that's even what I believed in anymore. Because I'd like to make Alfred happy, for whatever reason that may be, I've decided that I'll _try_ to be more compliant when it came to affection. Though I can't say it'll be easy to accept in public.

We walked at a slow pace back toward the park, so I had the chance to look back and finally see what the place Alfred liked to much was actually called. "Ever After Diner", huh. That's a really fucking stupid name.

The sent of garbage was a strong one. The small bit of grass in between the cracks of sidewalk was brown and dead. I thought I could almost see the cloud around the city in the near distance where the air got thicker. I longed for the the Italian countryside of my childhood, but that was obviously something that I was never getting back. Especially since Feli had come to love New York so much. 

"Don't you just love New York?" I jumped a little as Alfred pulled me out of my thoughts. Did he read my mind or do the exact fucking opposite?

"No." I didn't want to be mean (surprisingly, I know), so I left it at that.

"Why not? Is there somewhere you like better?" I hated how he had to look me in the eyes all the time. It makes him seem so sincere, like I should trust him, but I don't want to trust someone that I've just met. He could still be out to get me. This could all just be a prank show, for all I know, and sooner or later he would be there to humiliate me. 

"I'd rather be in southern Italy. It was beautiful there. It's hard to go from that to a shithole like this within such a sort notice like I did, you know? I used to live on my grandpa's tomato farm. I hadn't even been to a city before then." I tried to avoid his eyes, to look out into the open and picture the open fields and warm weather, but the only thing that was at all reminiscent of the memories were just that. And I got lost in sparkling blue pools like the sun in the bright sky of Italian countryside. Damn him.

I hadn't noticed that we had stopped walking until we were brought back down to earth from the not so distant yelling coming from the direction of the park. I could hardly see the green of the grass that was the first thing about this damn city that I've come to like after five long years. I brushed my fingers along the crushed rose in my pocket.

Alfred dragged me along in the direction of the yelling, perhaps out of curiosity, or it could be just that is was the way we were headed anyway, but I wouldn't know. 

When we reached the edge of the puny patch of green I was again seeing a sight I knew I've never seen before.

This was not an ordinary protest. I never knew an arrangement of colorful signs and chanting people could make me feel like I was going to pass out.

Homosexuality is an abomination 

God hates fags

Homosexuals are possessed by demons

Some signs picture silhouettes of two men in sexual positions, speaking of sins and hell and using other words that packed so much more of a punch when the topic was being with those of the same sex. I didn't think protests like these happened anymore, but there it was, hardly five meters away from us.

No, damnit! I can't cry... I can't...

Fuck it, here come the tears along with an immovable lump in my throat. 

I wouldn't want Alfred to see me like this, and I despised crying in public. It's not fair! Alfred was looking back and forth from my streams of tears to the hateful parade in front of us. Something was developing on his face that I'd never expect to see there in this small amount of time I've known him: anger.

He dragged me by the wrist until we were about four meters closer. Have I ever been closer to this much hate before? I'd never thought about this sort of thing back in Italy. Really it was just something people avoided talking about. I thought this was something I'd never see, I say again, but freedom of religion comes is traditionally served with a side of freedom to hate, isn't it?

Now don't get me wrong, there wasn't actually that many of them. Not even twenty. But before I could examine them further, Alfred wrapped me up in his arms and gave me a similar experience to that of our first few seconds of meeting: soft and passionate, the extra warmth making it even more so inviting. I wouldn't think that he would be one to provoke...

A rugged looking kid in the crowd came prepared for this situation, it seemed, and promptly threw an egg that happened to crack and splatter across the side of my jacket.

Alfred broke away from me then and faced the tiny crowd.

"What the fuck?!" The intensity of his tone made my heart jump. As Alfred stepped closer to the crowd looking as if he were preparing for a fight, I distracted myself with scraping golden yolk off of aubergine jacket. I thoroughly regretted the whimper I let out when he released me, but the stains running down my cheeks were drying in the light breeze making them feel like icebergs.

When I looked back up again, a much larger man step out in front to face off Alfred. His size was like my brothers disgusting German fiance, just with less hair...and less teeth. Ew. But Alfred didn't back down. Not even a little. How stupid. He was going to get his ass beat.

"You got a problem?" 

"That kid threw an egg at us, _sir_." His tone was testy. Oh Alfred, you're _so_ going to get your ass beat. Poor, poor Alfred.

"What're you gonna do about it? Gonna call the cops over a little egg on your boyfriend's shirt, huh, fag?" 

The younger and infinitely more attractive man raised a cool eyebrow. The silence afterwords was giving me anxiety.

"You know, If I was half as stupid as people think I am, I might've taken a swing at you." Most of his anger seemed to have diminished, but his eyebrows were still furrowed stiff. "I hope you have a good day, sir." He turned to me. "Come on babe." The word made me jump. He was calling _me_ that? 

Slowly but surly, I made my way under Alfred's arm. Maybe some would accuse me of being openly affectionate. In actuality I was just looking for somewhere to hide.

We turned to leave, but he yelled out one last thing, something I never knew I would hear directed to me without it giving me the agonizing urge to pound someone's face in. That thing being, "It's okay, baby. I'll give you some good dick tonight to make up for it, yeah?" He then pulled me by the hand in a near sprint further into the park, where I would leave behind me my first ever experience of a protest.

His laughter was contagious. If I wasn't hyperventilating from being so out of shape I'd be laughing with him.

Something about it was so satisfying. I craved more. More what exactly? Of that I'm not sure. Something that came from being around him...

"Give me your phone." I demanded after coming back to regular breathing for the third time during this date.

He handed over a Samsung phone. Too cool for an iPhone, huh, Alfred? I opened up his contacts and added my number. I gave his camera a nice little middle finger and stuck out my tongue. Fantastic contact picture. Now I just needed a contact name. I could settle with a simple 'Lovino', but there was clearly a more appropriate name. Typing it in was painful. 

**_B-O-Y-F-R-I-E-N-D_ **

But when I handed his phone back to him, I knew it felt right.

"Text me whenever." I called up a cab and left him with that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Other characters will be getting much larger parts very soon.


	6. Interruption

My teeth chattered rapidly as I stood alone in the park, still with my phone in my hand. They chattered not just from the cold, but also from the contact name displayed on my screen.

 _Boyfriend._ I couldn't wait 'til I got home. I could rub it in Matt's face, that he was wrong, and I made a good decision for once.

I had to call a cab as well. It could take a good hour to get back into the city, especially if traffic was bad. Mattie might be thinking about making dinner by the time I walked into the apartment.

A long silent ride brought me to the front of the apartment building. Playing games on my phone hardly shortened the time. But even after the wait, I was still super hyped. When I got to our door on the fourth floor I busted in to find Mattie reading on the couch. It's great to be home!

"Yo! Guess who was WRONG!" 

He didn't look up from his book. He lounged across the sofa with his feet up on the armrest, displaying two colorful mismatched socks. 

"What is it Alfred?" He spoke with disinterest. 

"Come on Matt, listen to this. The guy I was set up with is a total babe! And he likes...he likes me! He's into me even with me being a fucking dork! We didn't really get to know each other all that much, but he gave me his number! We're totally boyfriends now."

"That's great Alfred."

"Aww, Mattie, don't be like that! Can't you just be a little bit happy for me?"

He looked up from his book. "I... I am happy for you. I'm sorry Alfred. I'm just worried. What happens when this guy dumps you? You know how emotional you can get." His tone was deep with concern. Why'd he have to always treat me like a child?

And I hated that he said "when" he breaks up with me. He doesn't know Lovino at all!

"I know..." I eyed the patterns on the wooden floor, but not for long, because my stomach roared for attention. "So, what are we eating today? I'm starving!"

Just then a familiar face popped out from the doorway to our small kitchen. This particular face I had only known for a little more than a month, but I felt I knew him far too well, and thoroughly regretted it. 

"I'm making food again tonight! So prepare for something awesome!"

Gilbert.

This was the guy that Matt was set up with when he got desperate enough to sign up for the show. I think the only reason that he let the albino stick around was because he was afraid of living with his idiotic older brother forever. It had to be the only reason. Gilbert was annoying to _me_ , and that's saying a lot. Really, the only reason he annoyed me so much is because I was worried about Matt in the same way he was scared for me. 

I didn't want Gilbert to break his heart. I didn't know for sure yet, but he had this really dickish air about him. 

What I'm saying is; he's a total fuckboy.

"You say you got a boyfriend, huh? Take him to down to the new gay club with us next week! That'll show him a good time!" His voice echoed through our tiny apartment.

"Yea okay Gil." I said, lacking my usual enthusiasm.

That's not romantic. Lovino wouldn't want to go do that sort of thing. I don't want that either. I want something more that loving couples do, not one of those one-night stand things with a stranger. Which I suppose Lovino is... I just don't want him to be.

Without another word, I marched back to my tiny bedroom. It was covered in the bright colors of my favorite country's flag.

I fell onto by bed and stared at the red white and blue jumbo flag on my ceiling. Normally I would smile and salute to its shining beauty, but all of my hype had vanished.

Ugh. I didn't feel like sausage and potatoes tonight. I took it upon myself to order a pizza. I deserved to treat myself! I have work in the morning.

~~~

It was Monday night and I was alone again. I thought I'd be happy to get Feli out of my hair when he moved in with the blond bastard. It had only been about a week or so without him. I definitely didn't miss him though! It was just getting boring, is all.

The size of my bedroom made it even lonelier. The red and black theme didn't make it gloomy at all, nope. Everything was just perfect.

Fuck. 

Why hadn't Alfred texted me yet?! Sure, I only just gave him my number yesterday, but I had no idea he'd make me wait! I should've never gave it to him.

I sat up on the red comforter of the double bed. I threw my phone down to give it a soft and bouncy landing. I used the remote to put something on TV to distract me. Of course it was left on the cooking channel, not that I would ever mind.

I was almost relaxed. But then I heard the chime that let me know that I had a message and dived for it.

I smiled for a second at the flirty message, but then I saw that this was from a contact I already had on my phone.

**fuckboi: hey babe**

Oh no. Not this again. More came before I had the chance to tell him to fuck off. 

**fuckboi: U make my mouth water  
fuckboi: can I have a bite?**

He wouldn't stop doing this since I toyed with him that one time, oh so long ago. Don't judge me too hard. How was I supposed to know he was a friend of Antonio's? They're both such clingy assholes. 

_Sent from my iPhone: I thought I told you to stop texting me._  
**fuckboi: I bought some extra lube tonight so I don't make ur pretty ass bleed**

This fucking freak. He was the first person that I ever knew that was into that S&M stuff. I swear that if I ever saw any blood coming from me or my partner during sex I would at least contemplate never fucking ever again.

 _Sent: fuck off_  
**fuckboi: I know your attracted to me**  
**fuckboi: u don't have to lie**  
_Sent: *youre_  
_Sent: look, I know you're doing this to vent bc you don't think your new boyfriend is ready for dirty talk and you don't want to ruin it but can't you just watch some porn or something? I'm getting pretty fucking tired of this._  
**fuckboi: But then Mattie might find my search history and think I'm a creep! How bout u jst be a friend and help me out?**  
_Sent: I'm not your friend_  
_Sent: and if you don't want him finding it why don't you delete your search history?_  
**fuckboi: What if I forget tho??**  
_Sent: don't you delete these convos?_  
**fuckboi: it's easier to remember to delete these! It's harder to remember if it's on the computer**

That's where I gave up. I know I could just block him, but I didn't want to. Here me out here, I simply wanted them as evidence just in case I ever met this 'Mattie' person. I guess I'm just a bitch like that. He was related to the bastard that's tainting my poor little brother, after all.

I was about to go back to the TV, but soon enough my phone went off again.

 **fuckboi: anyway**  
**fuckboi: u know I still have those handcuffs ready if u wanna try em out**  
_Sent: kys_  
**fuckboi: fine okay okay  
fuckboi: I'll com back when ur in the mood**

He was finally done. I was offended he thought I'd ever be capable of getting off to the thought of him. Whatever, because now it's time to relax!

Then my phone went off again.

I growled at my cell expecting to see another pervy comment or the similar, however...

**555-0104: hey! It's Alfred. Sorry I didn't txt u sooner. I was a little busy. Do you still want to make dinner for me sometime? Cuz that'd be cool...**

I involuntarily let out a sigh of relief.

_Sent: yea okay. When do you want to come? So I know what night I have to make triple portion._

I made up a contact for him as fast as I could, giving me only a couple seconds to think of a contact name.

 **dudebag bf: what u mean triple portion? I'm not a fatty!**  
_Sent: Yea you are. But you're my fatty now_  
**dudebag bf: ooh kinky**

I thought about it, and why not? Maybe it could cheer me up a bit.

 _Sent: Say something sexy_  
**dudebag bf: ??**  
_Sent: Tell me about all the things you would do to me if you were here~_  
**dudebag bf: 0-0**  
**dudebag bf: >-• >-• >-• *winks to infinity&beyond***

This is hilarious. It's obvious that he'd never done something like this before. You know, sexting, as I hear it's called.

**dudebag bf: oh I would do so much to u**

In a silent fit of giggles I prepared myself for an early bedtime. It was only just starting to get dark out, but I was only going to stay in my room for the rest of the night anyway.

I pulled the elastic band on my sweatpants a little so that they dropped to the floor on their own. And today, I felt like getting extra comfortable. The bed didn't have any stupid little brothers in it and wouldn't ever again, so I let my briefs fall to the floor too. 

I glanced over to my wall mirror across the room, seeing myself in just a oversized, crimson sweater. It definitely wasn't warm enough to sleep fully nude, so I stopped at there and hopped under the covers. I picked up my phone again to a barrage of messages.

 **dudebag bf: I would put a ring on that finger right now**  
**dudebag bf: I'd text u all night**  
**dudebag bf: I'd want to take a bunch a cute pictures with you and hold ur hand all the time**  
**dudebag bf: I'd take your sarcasm like a champ and wrestle you til it turned into aggressive cuddling**  
**dudebag bf: and when the time was right, and you say that you're ready, I'd make love to u.**  
**dudebag bf: I'd give my all to you and make sure you'd feel safe.**  
**dudebag bf: how's that for sexy**

Ah fuck! That's...sweet, strangely. So confident... Why is it turning me on?! It's weird. All of the blood was rushing to my cheeks and the member hidden under blankets. I shifted on my knees.

 _Sent: Go on._  
**dudebag bf: I want to be the reason that you tilt ur phone slightly away from others in public**  
**dudebag bf: make you smile from cheek to cheek like I am rn**  
**dudebag bf: im going to give you bear hugs that end in wild sex**  
**dudebag bf: I'll carry you to bed like a prince and touch you..study your body**  
**dudebag bf: I'll likely focus on you legs, since you hav such great thighs**  
_Sent: How would you know?_  
**dudebag bf: Think I didn't notice?**

I thought about him eyeing me hungrily, as if I were a greasy burger with a large milkshake, but also in a caring sort of way, you know?

My imagination was running rampant, though somewhere in the back of my mind was a voice telling me I shouldn't feel this way. That this was wrong, it was bad and I was disgusting. I shook the fog from my head to find myself phone out of hand, and a finger up my ass, my own, to be specific.

I growled at myself. I bounced lightly on the bed, creating a near silent rhythmical creak. 

I can't explain to you how horrible and disgusting I am. I hate myself, I hate myself, oh how I hate myself. And what's worse is there was no way for me to stop. That is, until there was a pounding on my door that shot my heart into my throat before I realized where the noise even came from. I was sure the shock of it made my vision go black, if only for just a second.

"Loviii~? Are you in there? I wanted to ask you if you could get your report back to me a few days earlier. Oh! And I brought some movies we could watch together!"

My pulse increased even further. I was in a complete panic. How did Antonio get in here? Did he still have my key?

"Go away!" My voice was strained and broken.

There was a small pause. "Are you okay, my love? Should I come in there?"

"No! And I said stop calling me that already, fucker! I don't want you here! Get out! And leave my key on the counter!" The current conundrum was more than a turn-off, so I pulled myself together. In a more literal sense, I pulled my finger out of my asshole and hid under the covers out of embarrassment.

"Okay. Whatever you say, Lovi." He uttered in defeat. 

When I was sure he was gone, jogged out of the room directly across the hall to the bathroom. I scrubbed my hands like a madman. 

What's gotten into me? I'm being so stupid. I'd never do something like that after reading words so simple and cheesy. Was this some sort of weird tactic to ruin my life? I don't know shit! Who is Alfred?

All this emotion built up and spilled over my cheeks into the sink. What is it that I want?

I walked out to the kitchen to grab the key Antonio left, but there wasn't one. That bastard. He's my boss and _former_ lover. I'd prefer our relationship to be strictly professional. Of course he'd find a way to still try to be my friend, so much as I've rejected him. Antonio will be Antonio, the clingy asshole that he is. 

Back to my bedroom I went to sulk. With all my energy depleted, I picked up my phone one last time.

 **dudebag bf: yo**  
**dudebag bf: Are you dead?**  
**dudebag bf: ???? :( :( :(**  
_Sent: Its okay. Just had a panic attack is all._  
**dudebag bf: Because of me? : ^(**  
_Sent: No_  
**dudebag bf: you gonna tell me why?**  
_Sent: Not in this lifetime_  
**dudebag bf: Aw. Well I hope you feel better!**

I was getting that weird light feeling in my chest again. He didn't push at all to find out anything. He didn't make me say anything embarrassing to get him to shut up. This must be what I was missing in my relationship with Antonio. Respect. 

Antonio always acted like some sort of strange father figure with me. I guess that's what made everything so weird and uncomfortable.

**dudebag bf: Can I come Friday night? I'm pretty busy on weekdays**

I liked this feeling, but how should I know if I should trust it? Fuck my life! Relationships are hard.

_Sent: Sure_

And along with I sent my address. No, I won't let _you_ know what it is, you creep.

Tears stained my pillow. It must've looked crazy side by side to the benign smile on my face. Relationships are hard and **_exhausting_**.

I dreamed of making lobster ravioli from scratch. Must've left the damn tv on.


	7. I Need a Hero

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot has happened in the past week, and it's most definitely not something I want to talk about on here. I'm going to try to stay away from the topic in the story as well, since it was not at all included in my original plan.
> 
> Going back to the story, Lovino is sort of a lazy piece of shit when he wants to be. Alfred, the poor child, he doesn't know what he's getting himself into. Hope he's up for the job!

Why'd I have to wake up late again? What's wrong with me?

Kids would be showing up for first period soon and I was a giant mess. I picked up the small circular mirror I kept at my desk. Not too bad actually. I love the dress code for the teachers here. I get to look like a total pimp. I just had to adjust my American flag bow tie and fix up one of the buttons on my vest and...there! Perfect!

I was still in dire need of a confidence booster, so I skipped over to my buddy by the door, that being a giant portrait of George Washington. I gave my bff a good hard salute. It's time for a brand new school week! How exciting.

The ruckus in the hallway sure was louder than normal. I used my stealthiest moves to creep open the door just enough to get an earful of all of the juicy gossip ninth graders were sure to spread.

"You guys see the news at all?"

"Yeah! We're talking about Mr. Jones, right? Blake, don't you have him for first period?"

"Yea, why?"

"Check this shit out."

I looked up from my kneeling position on the floor up to my boy, George. They're talking about me? What did I do this time? I was on the news?

"You're talking to the poster again?" The booming voice of the vice principal scared me to my feet. Of course he gave me the one adjoined to his little German classroom. I'm Mr. Jones, prone to looking like a lunatic and making mistakes, in his eyes at least.

"Hey, I'm trying not to shit my pants before class starts. You're not helping, Lud." Was I really saying that stuff out loud though?

He cleared his throat. "I need to speak with you after this period. And it's Mr. Beilschmidt to you, Mr. Jones." With that, he turned back to sneak through his little secret passage just in time for the bell to ring.

That meant a minute before classes started. I ran back to my desk to avoid the crazy flood of students. 

They sat in their assigned seats, which were lined up to face away from me and toward the front board. The projector up front lit up all smooth like when I turned on my laptop.

At 8:00am, the morning announcements came on, you could look in any direction in my wonderful classroom to find the glistening colors of red, white and blue, but typically we gave the pledge to the smaller flag provided by the school. Its almost hard to spot in here, it blends in so well. 

_I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all._

I laughed for what was probably the hundredth time thinking about Lud and the Honor German kids doing the same. 

The kids sat back down and the room went quiet. It was my time to shine.

"Okay, my dudes! We're starting a new project today! You can partner up if you want, just make sure it's done by Wednesday. You'll get all our class time until then to work on it." The groans of young teens filled the air. "I know you're all disappointed that we aren't taking notes today since you won't get to hear my lovely voice, but it can't be helped." I gave a few extra seconds to let it sink in. "Any questions?"

I jumped a little when the whole room was filled to the brim with raised hands. Those hands _shot_ up, man. 

I took a quick glance around. Who to choose? "Blake?"

He didn't speak right away. It looked like he was trying to act cool or something. 

"What were you doing this weekend?"

"My personal life shouldn't be important to you." The robotic answer that Lud would want me to say came out instinctively. It didn't sound like me. It's not something I'd ever want to talk about with these kids anyway. "How bout you, Jay?" I spun and pointed at my next apparent interviewer.

"So... does kissing a dude that looks like a girl feel the same as kissing a girl?" He shied away after asking, like he knew he was asking something he shouldn't be.

I kept my grin as wide as I could make it. "Honestly? I'm feeling attacked. Emily?" I pointed to the back to the girl that had the highest grade in this period. This was going to be a question that was actually about the rubric...right?

"What's your boyfriend's name?" She asked not mockingly, but with curiosity.

"Okay. What's this about? Are you guys stalking me now?"

"No!" 

"Nah, man! You were on the news over the weekend kissin' a dude in fronta some angry white people."

"Yea! It was a protest or some shit. Why'd you do that?"

The voices coming around the room we're getting hard to keep track of. I had to raise my voice as close as I could get to scary German level as possible if I wanted to survive this class period.

"Alright! That's enough!" And I could hear my own thoughts again. "Any questions on the project you're turning in in two days?"

Is that a tumbleweed I see?

"Okay then. You got a lot of work to do, dudes. Get to it!"

I threw myself down onto my desk chair. There are things to do! I can't think about how these kids look at me. I did it to myself. I was the one who got mad and threw a fit over some protesters. Lud's probably so mad at me...

"Mr. Jones?" 

I looked back up from the blank space on my desk. Emily was staring down at me with a hesitant smile. I always was fond of her. She wore dark colors but came in everyday with a grin bigger than mine. I wondered how she did it.

I hadn't realized that she was waiting for me to reply. She continued while I sat expressionless.

"It's okay. We kind of knew already."

"Knew...?"

"That you like guys. You gave us quite a lot of hints." She spoke so confidently, as if I should've known I've been giving it away all year long.

"Like what?" I said, confounded.

"Like how you fangirled when we were learning about Abe Lincoln..."

"Well he's pretty cool."

"...Or the day you ranted about your conspiracy theories about George Washington being gay..."

"I still think it's a possibility."

"You know, we heard you when you told Herr Beilschmidt that you think that Obama is _very_ attractive man."

"I thought you guys weren't listening!"

"Or the time you-"

"Okay, okay, I get it. You guys caught me. Are you happy now?" I couldn't help my slightly snippy tone. Why did everyone have to make a big deal out of everything?

"No! Don't be upset Mr. Jones. I just wanted to say what you did was really cool."

"Really? You think so?" Other people's approval was a such a rarity. 

"Yeah!" She turned away to head back to her desk, but quickly faced me then, clearly remembering something. She leaned in close and asked again, "What's your boyfriend's name?"

I whispered back. "You wanna know that bad?" She nodded. 

I scribbled where she'd find in on some scrap paper and slid it to her.

"Love at First Kiss? Isn't that coming back on over the summer?"

I nodded, looking around discreetly before crumpling the paper. Yes, I know it's not necessary, since it'll be on tv and everything, but it's fun to pretend.

She played along. She nodded professional like and marched back to her desk. I feel bad for not getting to know her a little better before it got this close to the end of the year. 

Oh look. It's already almost the end of the period. Time really flies when someone taps from behind the door to the German room. What am I saying? 

Lud was staring daggers at me from his room beckoning me to his room. By the time I got into his room the bell dismissed our students and, he was back at his desk shuffling papers, avoiding my eyes. I wanted to get this over with as quickly as possible.

"You... wanted to speak with me?" I struggled to get my voice out.

"Ah, yes. I assume you already know what you did. You can't be causing this sort of commotion around the school, Mr. Jones. It's unprofessional."

"I know, but I was on a date! I was trying to impress him, and-"

"That reminds me, I would like you to stay away from Lovino, if you can."

"...What?" 

"He's a bad influence. You two act like a couple of emotional, rebellious teenagers. I'd like you to pull your act together. Who knows what other trouble he could get you into." He was typing up something on his laptop, not even waiting for a reaction from me.

"How do you even know him? He doesn't seem like the kind of guy that tries to get into trouble to me."

"Oh I've known him for quite some time now. He's one to like to start things if he knows he'll get away with it. I'm uh... very close to... someone in his family."

Something clicked then. Lovino never said his name, but he described before someone that could be none other than the man in front of me. How didn't I realize before?

"You're getting married soon aren't you?"

He looked up at me from his desk for the first time. I don't think I've ever seen him so disoriented before.

"Oh my god you are! We're gonna be family, dude! Isn't this exciting?!" I tried to dive down into him for a hug, but his hand caught my face like a rock-hard cushion.

"What are you talking about? You've hardly known each other for a few days! Feliciano has been keeping me updated on the two of you, and I can already tell this isn't a healthy thing for either of you. Lovino's been an emotional wreck and hasn't been getting any work done! Not that he did much work before... Just try to give him some space, okay?" He sighed as he pushed me away by my face.

I'm pretty sure his goal of that little talk was to get me discouraged. All I got from that though is that Lovi and I have a lot more in common than I thought! I'd have to text him as soon as I got home tonight!

Also, I still think it's a possibility that George Washington was gay. He loved interior design and fashion design and he love to dance... I mean, his kids were adopted. He could've been using Martha to cover it up! Poor Martha. I wonder if Lovino would think that George was gay too.

~~~

"Lovi! Lovi, wake up!"

I was being shaken mercilessly in my desk chair. 

"What do you want damnit! I was having a siesta." I yelled groggily up at my whining boss.

"But you've been asleep for three hours! We need to start getting some work done."

" _We?_ Are you kidding me? I'm like your fucking secretary! You don't do shit!" I cuddled back under my fluffy pale blue blanket I bring to work everyday for siesta time.

"Sure, my love, but-"

"But nothing! Give me a reason to do your stupid paperwork!"

Instead of trying to give me some sort of reason, or giving me my ninety eighth strike, or _finally_ fucking firing me for good, he grabbed me by the chin. This was a normal thing, how we ended every argument before. Coworkers nearby didn't even stop to look. I couldn't even place, _myself_ , what was wrong with the situation until his lips brushed up against my own. 

Those lips hit me with an impact of full fledged panic. I pushed him back so fast he must've gotten whiplash. I covered my mouth with my hand and tried to hold back the tears.

When he recovered I got to see him angry for the first time. How'd he manage to to look so intimidating with those cooling green eyes?

"What is your problem recently, Lovi? I let you have so many freedoms here and you can't show your boss a little respect? I let you wear casual clothes like you asked, I let you take naps, I didn't make you pay for the replacement printer that you spilled coffee on, and what do you do around here? You need to get _something_ finished! One more strike and that's it, okay? Or you're going back to Italy!" 

Everyone peaked out from their cubicles to catch a peek. 

"Yeah, whatever! Suck my dick old man."

He lost most of the harshness in his tone but his eyes were still telling me to not get any more rebellious. "I told you before, Lovi. Not in the workplace."

Of course instead of listening to the message he sent with his eyes I listened to my gut like I always do. Gut says sass back! "And I've told _you_ not to take that phrase seriously, for fucks sake! Don't you know what 'break-up' means?"

He turned away from me to head back to his big fancy office.

"I still want my key back you fucking prick!" I yelled over to him, still planted firmly in my big comfy revolving chair.

Isn't this the second time I'm finishing this off with saying I'm exhausted? I'm so tired of all of this. Maybe I should just let Antonio send me back to Italy. I'll lounge around leeching off Grandpa at his farm again. I could forget about my social life, nibble on tomatoes and sleep my days away. 

Speaking of sleep, I'm going to get back to that. The work can wait. 

I dreamt of going back to life on the Italian countryside. Grandpa yelled at me for not helping outside. Feliciano called telling me him and his bastard husband were adopting a kid. Is this really the future I have in store for me?


	8. New Discovery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Thanksgiving, motherfuckers.
> 
>  
> 
> _Eat lots of food and enjoy your day! *heart emoji* -Editor (Sundaythe15th)_

So...tired. So...hungry.

I stumbled back into the apartment even when it was already dark and breezy. I had been staying at work later since I knew Gil and Matt would be being all lovey dovey at home. I don't want to see that! And I want to get more work done now, like Lud said. As tough as it is sometimes, I do love my job.

My gait through the living room was slow and zombie-like. Matt hopped up from the couch. He tried to block me from going straight to my room, but nothing could stop me now. He settled for talking to me.

"Alfred? I don't think you should be staying after work this late. I know you've been getting sick of Gil cooking dinner, so I got you some donuts! Do you want one...?" He held out a chocolate cream-filled donut in front of my face. 

Expression unchanged, and without stopping, I grabbed the donut with my teeth and slouched my way to bed. When I flopped down the donut was squished between my face and my comforter. I didn't lift my face either. Just started chewing.

Someone slipped into my room and leaned against the wall. A raspy, thick German accent came from this figure. He chuckled mockingly.

"You look pathetic."

I lifted my head to reveal my cream-covered face. I had the drug addict look down pretty good, with the bags under my eyes and no energy whatsoever in my body. Maybe I mistakenly snorted some Xanax this morning? Haha...jokes. 

"Thanks."

"You're never gonna keep a boyfriend looking like that. You should really come to the club with Matt and I next Friday. Show your boy you know how to party. He'll be craving dick my the end of the night. That's a promise!"

"I _really_ don't want to bring him to the club, Gilbert. _Really_."

"Aw, come on!" He pleaded, "I have another close friend of mine bringin' along a date. He's a little older, but I think you two could really get along! Just this once, buddy?"

I licked some cream from my cheeks. "You know what? Fine. Yeah. Just this once. Don't ask me for anything else. I'm...tired."

"Okay, if you say so~" I let my face fall back into my donut. I could hear him dance himself over to my door. "Sleep well princess!" He mocked.

The door slammed. At least I was seeing Lovino again tomorrow night.

~~~

I didn't know exactly when Alfred would be coming, but I assumed he'd be here around 6:00. That's when normal people eat dinner, right?

That means I should put the lasagna in the oven right about now. 

I do like the apartment I have here. The kitchen and living room are open and roomy. Red's the primary color of the entire place. Feliciano said it make it look bleak, but he wouldn't know elegance if it slapped him in the fucking face. Like I did when he told me that.

I looked across the way into the living room at the mirror again. God, I look ridiculous. The clip that's holding up my bangs makes me look like a fucking six year old. 

Don't make fun of me for using a clip to hold up my bangs! I have to have my hair out of my face. You need to be able to concentrate while you're cooking. 

I'd have to remember to change before Alfred gets here. I'm just in my normal at-home attire now. Nothing more than an oversized sweater and underwear. What? I like to be comfortable, motherfucker. 

Oh yeah! The lasagna! He better fucking appreciate this. I made it from scratch and everything. 

I neglected to put on oven mitts, like I did every time. I had to bend over to get it far enough in there and-

Knock knock knock!

The clamorous pounding at the door sent my reflexes wild. Instantaneously my hand brushed against scorching metal in the hot oven and my foot jerked upward, stubbing my toes on the oven door.

" _Fucking piss in my asshole!_ " My scream couldn't have possibly _not_ been heard through the door. I trod lightly on my feet, skipping as fast as I could to the door in my condition. I suckled on the back of my hand. It was still hot.

I swung the door open without even looking to see who it was, like an idiot. I was met with Alfred, who was wearing formal attire. Did his bowtie say 'Constitution' or...? He looked like an elementary school teacher.

But then there's me. Not wearing pants. Hair clipped off to the side. Oversized sweater and all. My cheeks turned a mighty red as he took all of me in. The look on his face said this wasn't what he was expecting.

A few seconds of silence passed so my embarrassment had time to set in, and I swung the door back to hide my shame.

"Wait-!" He lunged forward. His poor, nice shoes got trapped in the door. "Ow." He said devoid of actual hurt in his voice.

He went on a hysterical giggling fit. All I could see of him was his foot that tapped along with his laughter. 

"Aw Lovino! It's okay! Please don't shut me out!" He paused for just a second. "Were you not expecting me this early?"

I pressed my body against the door to keep him from getting further inside. "Of course not! Who eats at dinner at five?"

"Well I wanted us to have plenty of time to hang out! Won't yah' let me in? Please?"

"No! It's embarrassing!" I spat.

"You look great! I swear!"

"That's not the point!"

"What is it then?"

I didn't have anything to retort. I stepped back, letting his foot free. He pushed inside. There was a bag in his hand that he set off to the side on the counter. He bumped the door closed and put both of my hands in his. He studied them closely.

"Are you okay?" He said softly, "What happened?"

"Oh, I just burned myself a little. It'll heal, I'm sure." I spoke similarly to him, mostly because I was surprised. He was trying so hard to get in here to check out my burn?

He brought my afflicted hand to his lips. I winced at the kiss.

"This is a pretty bad burn. You have a lot of other scars on your hands too. You burn yourself a lot? You must have some burn cream then. Where is it?" He looked hard into my eyes.

"In the bathroom? In the medicine cabinet, I guess." 

"Well? Let's go then." He gestured for me to move. Still in a state of surprise by his sternness, I led him to the bathroom. He insisted on still holding my hurt hand.

In front of the medicine cabinet, he opened it up and quickly found the small tube, the one that I had to buy ages ago, the first time I was careless while making dinner. 

He spread a huge glob of the clear cream across any spot that was red with his thumb, so gently that I could hardly feel it. When he finished, he brought my hand up to his face again, but this time it was the inside of my hand to his cheek. The gesture was puzzling and strangely romantic, the way it forced me to look into his big blue eyes. He looked so concerned. Why would he be so worried about me getting just a little burn? Damn him for being so nice to me.

I needed some lightness to bring to the situation. The air was so thick it was getting hard to breathe and my heart beated faster the longer we stood here like this. I'm not used to this feeling. It took a lot to force myself to speak.

"We have a lot of time until food is ready. Let's go get something to do." I pushed away from him to head to my bedroom. I could hear his shoes clacking behind me on the wood floors.

Upon entering I was reminded of my hair after glancing in the mirror. I pulled the clip out and threw it across the room in frustration. 

"Aw! But I thought it was cute!" Alfred whined as he walked in.

"It's not cute." I grumbled, "It makes me look like a child."

"Nah, you look good. You don't have a thing to worry about."

I didn't want to speak of my appearance anymore. "How about yourself? What's with the getup?"

"Oh! I just left work. You like it? I thought this look suited me the most because the vest lets me show off my arms if I wanna. See?" He flexed to show off. He must workout a good bit. Who knows how many decades it would take me to get to that state if I tried. I laughed as he jumped around, changing his position of flexing.

"You're right, you're right. It does suit you." I laughed at his moronic hopping and flexing.

"So...What is it that we came here to do?"

Well, I didn't have a plan when I originally stormed off here. There has been something that I've wanted to do for a while though...

"Wait a second. I'll get it." I opened the drawer on my nightstand to reveal a mountain of singly packaged condoms. I looked back at Alfred to see him a dark shade of red. "Grab a couple handfuls of these."

"A couple _handfuls_?" He tripped on his walk over to the drawer. I started rummaging threw my closet.

"Here it is!" I lugged the heavy tank of helium, with much difficulty, and threw it on my bed. There was a concerning creak upon impact.

When I turned to him, with handfuls of condoms and blushing as red as tomatoes, he looked weirdly aroused and confused. I grabbed one of the packets from him.

"Let me show you, you big idiot." I ripped open the little packet, stretched the rubber over the nozzle, and turned the spigot...thing to fill it up 'til it was perfectly dong-shaped. Then I pulled it off and tied the end in a swift and beautiful knot. Alfred watched in amazement as he watched it float to the ceiling.

"Woah! Can I try?" And he did the same. Except this one was filled to be much bigger, just like an oblong balloon. "That's so cool!" His excitement spontaneously turned into a look of fear. "Wait. Why do you have so many condoms? There's gotta be hundreds in there!"

"Funny story actually! You see, my grandfather is a raging sex addict. For some odd reason, he believes I'm the same way or something? Anyway, he sends me a twelve pack of condoms all the way from Italy every week. It's a major waste. I had to find _something_ to do with them..."

Alfred scratched his head. "Hmm. Well, that's weird. But whatever! This is gonna be fun!"

We spent nearly an hour making 'condom balloons'. While I made tiny, penis shaped ones, Alfred filled them up to as large as they could be. I was terrified that they were going to pop, but damn those things could get huge! You could fit a lot of dick in there. We giggled like schoolgirls until the ceiling of my bedroom had vanished. It hardly put a dent in my condom drawer. That's a shame.

"Okay that's enough." I sputtered through laughter, "I'm going to try to clean up a little in here. Go out to the kitchen and wait why don't you? Food should be ready soon."

~~~

It was upsetting to say the least, that the fun had to be over so soon, but I obliged. I skipped out into the tiny kitchen and pulled a chair out to take a seat. Before I sat though, I saw Lovino's phone light up on the counter. He got a text. A couple, actually. 

****

**fuckboi: Wouldn't it b romantic if u rode me off into the sunset?**  
**fuckboi: That's not good enough for you, huh**  
**fuckboi: Well how does this sound**  
**fuckboi: Black Friday sale**  
**fuckboi: you and me**  
**fuckboi: All clothes will be 100% off**  
**fuckboi: hey  
**fuckboi: Stop ignoring me! ********

I'm not one for snooping, typically, but this is a little much. I had to tell this guy off. Damn. He has a pass code.

I called back to him, "Yo! What's you're pass code?...For your phone I mean!"

"What do you want it for?" He yelled back.

"Snooping reasons!"

There was a short silence of consideration, and then he told me the code. I guess that just means he doesn't really have anything to hide on here.

I scrolled through the messages and skimmed them super quick. All of these conversations seemed to be just about the same. Why would Lovino even talk to a creep like this?

_Sent: Who dis_  
**fuckboi: What? Did you delete my contact or something?**  
**fuckboi: Don't play with my heart, Lovino**

This was sort of scaring me. This guy was texting him two or three times a week! It needs to stop

 _Sent: Who tf are you?_  
**fuckboi: Aw Lov u make me sad :(**  
**fuckboi: it's Gil**

No. It couldn't be.

 _Sent: Gil?_  
_Sent: As in Gilbert?_  
_Sent: Gilbert Beilschmidt?_  
**fuckboi: Wtf How many Gils do u kno**  
_Sent: Why are you texting Lovino?_  
**fuckboi: Well who are u then?**  
**fuckboi: why do u have his phone?**

This was really hurting. Was Gil really betraying Matt like this? I knew he was bad news.

 _Sent: Its Alfred._  
**fuckboi: ¿!!?¿!¡¡?**  
**fuckboi: Aren't u on a date?**  
_Sent: Yeah._  
_Sent: With him._  
_Sent: I guess I never actually gave you guys a name did I?_  
**fuckboi: How????**  
_Sent: What do you mean?_  
**fuckboi: Lovino is impossible.**  
**fuckboi: like ******  
**fuckboi: impossible**  
**fuckboi: I've been goin after him for YEARS**  
**fuckboi: Way before I even knew Mattie**  
**fuckboi: He doesn't respond to anything**  
**fuckboi: why would he be into u?**  
_Sent: Okay I'm offended._  
_Sent: I can't tell you why_  
_Sent: But I can tell you to screw the hell off_  
**fuckboi: what do u mean**  
_Sent: What do you mean what do I mean??_  
_Sent: stop texting him!_  
**fuckboi: U can't tell me what to do.**  
_Sent: Would you want some creep texting that sort of stuff to Matt without you knowing?_  
**fuckboi: hey don't call me a creep!!**  
**fuckboi: And fine. I won't text him anymore as long as u don't tell Matt anything.**  
_Sent: I might have to mention it._  
**fuckboi: Why?**  
_Sent: He's my brother, Gilbert_  
**fuckboi: Well no deal then! I'll keep texting Lovino all I like!**  
_Sent: I'll talk to him about it._  
**fuckboi: talk about what to who?**  
**fuckboi: Alfred?**  
**fuckboi: Buddy?**  
**fuckboi: What are you doing??**

Lovino walked in then.

"Having fun snooping?" He asked.

"Gilbert texted you." 

"Gilbert?" He walked over to the oven. This time he put on oven mitts. That's good. "What's wrong, huh? You look like you just saw someone step on a kitten."

"I didn't know my roommate was betraying my brother, _and_ hitting on my boyfriend, is all."

"Ah. I'd say don't worry about it too much. I'm sure your brother can take care of himself. And I'd never let that albino bastard touch me. It'll be fine. I had no idea you had to live with that piece of shit."

"Okay..." His nonchalant attitude was reassuring. Of course I didn't have to worry. Matt would scold Gil once he found out, hopefully. Plus Gil even said himself that he hasn't had any success with Lovino after years of trying. I put the phone down. Nothing to worry about!

When I shook myself out of my little daze and looked back at him, he was bent over, retrieving the mystery item out of the oven. His giant sweater rode up to reveal bright and colorful underwear. They read "sour puss" across his ass with a cute cartoon picture of grumpy cat. It made it all that much harder to stop staring.

Fuck! Why are they so tight?

I was thankful when he got to the table, and more so when he showed of what he made. It looked fantastic! But... what is it?

It looked like he caught my confusion.

"What, haven't you had lasagna before? You can't tell me you've been eating nothing but burgers and grease balls your entire life."

"Oh! I've had lasagna once! It was kinda burnt, though."

"Who burns lasagna?" He said, cutting me a slice. When he lifted it, strings of cheese connected the piece to the rest of it. The layers were incredibly aligned and even. It looked like something off of one of those famous cooking shows. I didn't notice I was drooling until a glob of it dropped to my grey pants. He placed the slice on the pretty red plate in front of me. "Hello? You gonna answer me, you jerk?"

I wiped the drool off my chin. "My dad was never a great cook. I don't think he ever made anything that _wasn't_ burnt."

"Oh you poor thing. Your father messed up your damn taste buds! Maybe I can save them somehow. What are you waiting for? Eat!"

He didn't have to tell me twice. I moaned as it collided with my tongue.

"What was that?" He questioned, referring to the noise I made.

"A foodgasm."

"A what?" He looked at me like I was a mental patient.

"Food... orgasm?" I said ashamedly.

He flashed one of those brilliant smiles. "Whatever, you freak. Just don't cream your pants."

By the time he cut some for himself and settled into the seat across from mine, I had already cleaned my plate.

"Jesus Christ! If you're that hungry just take the whole fucking tray." 

Don't mind if I do. I pulled the still very hot tray of lasagna in place of my plate. I shoveled it into my face with a fork that felt far too small for my hands.

"This is fucking great! Where'd you learn to cook like this?"

"Feli and I had to take over cooking when Grandpa got too busy for us when we were around ten. I had plenty of time to perfect it." I looked up from my shoveling for a second to see him slowly and seductively bring his fork to his mouth. He eats so slow! How's he ever going to survive with me here?

The redness of his hand didn't look like it calmed down much in the past hour.

"Is your hand okay? It still looks pretty bad." I said, continuing to stuff my face.

"Yeah, no thanks to you." He said harshly.

"What do you mean? I thought I was being helpful!"

"You caused my hand to get burned in the first place! I think you owe me something."

"Something...?"

"How 'bout a massage? I could really use one." He suggested.

"Sure thing, dude!" I've never given a massage before, but how hard could it be?

I took another good look around. It was really fancy compared to the pile of bricks I lived in.

"This is a really nice place. What do you have to do to afford a pad like this?"

"Ugh. I do IT work. It sucks. I fucking hate computers."

"How'd you ever get into doing something that you hate so much?"

"It's a long story. Basically, I was forced to go to some stupid college that no one cares about. Grandpa wanted me to do something business-y, even though he let Feliciano major in something that had to do with painting or some shit. Computers Science was a huge mistake. I dropped out after the first year."

I scratched my head again. "What happened then?" I said, urging him to go on.

"I spent a year on Grandpa's farm doing absolutely nothing. Feliciano was already making tons of money off of painting, and I didn't make shit. I didn't even help outside. Eventually Grandpa got sick of me. He started looking for a job for me somewhere. Turns out, a kid he used to know pretty well ran a business in America. Antonio was far too willing to take someone with as little experience as me in... I don't want to tell this story anymore."

"Doesn't that just bring us to now anyway?"

"Not exactly." He started playing around in his food with his fork.

"Well come on then! Don't leave me hangin'!"

He huffed, "Fine. Grandpa shipped me off to America the first chance he got. Feliciano took it as an opportunity and came along. Grandpa was upset to see him go. When I started working Antonio was attached to me like a god damn leech. On just my third day of working he asked me to be his boyfriend. I accepted."

"Aw! Isn't that cute!" I couldn't help but coo.

"No! It's not cute!" He fussed.

"Why not? Sounds cute to me."

"Because I was forced god damnit! What was I supposed to do? Say no? I didn't know what kind of boss he was! I was afraid if I didn't agree to it he'd have me shipped right back to Italy so Grandpa could complain at me some more! He hired me to be his little twink boyfriend. I hated it. Still hate it."

"Hmm. That sound rough. You're still working though, right? Even after you broke up with him?"

"Sure, but he's acting as if nothing's changed. He got real close to kissing me the other day..."

I jumped up from my seat. "What?!" I shouted in distress. "I need to have a talk with this guy like, pronto."

"Woah! Hold your horses, big guy. I wasn't expecting that. So I guess you're the jealous type, huh?"

I gasped in offense, "No! That's not the same thing! It's not like I'm being over protective or anything! You said he tried to kiss you!"

"He did, if you can even say 'tried'. Our lips did touch..." he said tauntingly. 

"Okay, that's enough. Get your ass over here."

His eyebrows shot up. It took him a minute to figure out I was being serious. He got up slowly and walked around the table. I patted my knee for him to sit. 

I'm not sure what he was trying to pull here, but he straddled my leg and looked at me defiantly. That's mad sexy. I grabbed onto his bottom lip.

"You want a jealous type? I'll give you a jealous type. You see these here? They're mine. You can tell Antonio if he tries anything else I'm always up for a fight." I let go of his lip.

He laughed and stood. "Of you say so, you dork."

"You don't think I can take him?"

He started cleaning up the dishes at the table. I didn't even notice that I finished eating everything. How'd he manage to distract me from my food again? No one distracts me from food! He stood at the sink to scrub them. I was faced with the conundrum of not staring at his ass again. 

"No, you definitely could. It's just... funny."

"I'm trying to be serious!"

"But it doesn't seem like _you_. I mean, I haven't known you for long, but I just wouldn't take you as that kind of guy."

"Well I never was before, I guess."

"Why the sudden change?"

"I never had a reason to be before."

"And now you do?"

"Yeah! I know my dads would like you. I bet if they were here right now they'd say something like: 'Don't mess this one up, Alfred! You probably won't get another chance like this one again!'"

"Really?" He said sarcastically.

"For sure!"

"What's that bag you brought for, anyway?" He pointed with a wet hand.

"I brought some extra clothes just in case I got too stiff in this stuff!" I was still wearing my pimpin' teacher clothes, after all. "Plus I kinda was hoping I could stay at your place tonight." I whispered.

"What was that?" He looked back as me, now drying his hands.

"Nothing! Nothing... What are we gonna do now?"

"Am I here to entertain you? I'm not a fucking circus monkey." 

He threw the dish towel without a care onto the counter and walked smoothly over to the couch. When he got to it, he jumped over the armrest and laid on his stomach, taking up the whole thing.

"Hey! No room for me?" I complained, coming over to join him.

"I'm waiting for my massage." He mumbled.

That's right. I said I would.

"Okay...Where do I start?"

"It doesn't matter! Just, you know... make me feel nice! I'm tired."

That didn't give me much of a hint on where. I figured the best thing to do would be to get a good vantage point. I found room for myself on the couch, that being on my knees which I placed on either side of his thighs.

This position was...oddly sexual. My cheeks got warm. Shit! No moving now! He's wait for me to do something!

Now what to do with my hands? And what was he expecting me to do? I didn't want to touch him somewhere that would make him mad...

But his legs were right under me and calling for me to touch them. My dick stirred. Fuck.

So I grabbed them, ferociously, like a hungry beast, one hand for each leg. Lovi jumped in surprise at that, but otherwise did nothing. Am I doing it right?

I wanted to feel them. I squeezed around. They were nothing but fat. I didn't think he would've done some sort of weird thigh exercises to get them like that. It certainly didn't look like he did. They were just as soft and squishy as they looked. I guess this is where all of those carbs go.

He made a tasteful, soft sound of pleasure. Woah. I need more of _that_. I kneaded that meat like a baker kneadin' dough. Well, maybe not that rough.

He was responsive, and by that, I mean _mega_ squirmy. He wasn't making that noise anymore. What did it take? Maybe being more gentle would do the trick. It didn't. Grumpy cat stared me in the face. Would this do it?

I slipped my fingers under colorful underwear. Butts are squishier than thighs. His head whipped back at me.

"What are you doing?" He asked aggressively.

I froze. I messed up didn't I?

"I'm sorry." I retracted my hands.

His anger faded and turned into intense blushing.

"You have a little..." He pointed at my crotch. "Are you going to go take care of that?"

"I'll wait it out. It's no big deal."

"Taking it like a champ, huh? Don't be so cocky." He flipped around and crawled over to me. He leaded in close and whispered in my ear, "I might get mad. Just remember who's the boss here." Intentional or not, he pressed his knee into my arousal in the process of going for my lips. 

Every time so far this has happened. We would kiss. I would close my eyes. When I opened them I almost forgot where I was. I only knew I was with him. 

"Did you just cum in your pants?" I chose to keep my mouth shut. He took that as a yes. "I'm pretty sure I remember telling you not to do that." 

I'm not going to say whether I actually did or not. I plead the fifth, thanks. He looked pretty damn proud of himself.

"H-how about we watch a movie?" I used as my escape. 

I rushed to go fix myself up while he picked one out. I came back without the vest or bow tie. It was getting too hot.

After putting it on, he laid half on top of me, and the other half between me and the couch. He snuggled into me and yawned. It didn't look like he'd make it through the whole movie.

It started to play. "Light Out?" I said nervously, "Isn't this movie about g-g-ghosts?"

He yawned again. "Probably."

"But, ghosts are scary! Can't we watch something else?" I said hopefully.

"Oh get over it, you big chicken." He snuggled into my side further.

I shook through the whole movie. It's not my fault! Ghosts are mad scary! They're all intangible or whatever you call it. That means if they come after me I can't shoot them or punch them... I can't do anything! And if they came after us right now I wouldn't be able to save Lovino. I hate ghosts.

"Woah! It just killed her! Did you see that Lovi? ...Dude?"

~~~

Somewhere in there I must've drifted off. 

But I didn't notice. I was still in the apartment. I was still curled up in a ball in Alfred's arms. Though now there was a child lying on top of him too. 

A baby? Where'd it come from? Alfred looked so happy, like his life was complete. He squeezed me tight.

 _"Isn't everything perfect now?"_ His voice echoed in my head. 

He held my left hand in his. My burn was gone. Am I wearing a... wedding ring?

I was in a confused but peaceful bliss. I could lie here _forever_.

My arms were grabbed. I was being dragged toward the door. Antonio? Grandpa? _Where are they taking me?_

Alfred stood and watched me go with the mystery child in his arms and tears in his eyes.

The next second I was in my old room in Italy. _I don't want to be here._

Images of endless possibilities flashed before my eyes. In every one of them I was with _him_. There was no going back from here.

_No. No!_

"No!"

"You're awake?" He whispered.

"No... I can't go back to that... I can't..."

"What's wrong? Why are you crying?"

I was in my bed. He must've just laid me here, because he leaned over me, and I clung to him for dear life, with my arms wrapped around his neck and our faces cheek to cheek.

"I want to... I want..."

"...Want? What do you want?"

I had to think about it.

"What is it that people come to America for? The pursuit of happiness, do you call it?" My voice was shaky and broken. How did I not realize before?

"Happiness..?"

"I'll have nothing again if I go back. I won't have..." I won't have a chance. I won't have... him.

"I won't let you go back. I'll... do everything I can. You'll get what you want. You just have to promise me something."

"What is it? I won't do anything weird."

"You know what you have to do."

"I don't understand..."

"I thought I was the stupid one. You want love, Lovino. To get it you have to give it. And keep that promise. Can you do that?"

"I... I can try."

"We'll work on that." When my grip loosened, he slipped away. He was heading out.

"No! Don't go!"

He stopped without looking back.

"Stay."

He turned around. He was glad.

I commanded him to get undressed so he could be comfortable. He took his glasses off. He crawled in and I forced him to cuddle me.

"Promise you'll never let me go back." 

"I'll never let go, Jack."

I love this idiot.


	9. Last Resort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah it's been awhile! I really missed writing this story, but with midterms, one of my relatives passing, then Christmas, and attending protests... I've had a lot on my plate.
> 
> Happy Valentines Day! This isn't the most romantic of chapters but I hope it's enough to satisfy until I finish the next update. It's already in progress, and I can promise it won't take near as long to put up as this one did. I'm hoping to get it posted around my birthday, so around the end of the month.
> 
> In other news, if you haven't noticed, a few things revolving this story have been updated. That being the tags, and the summary, and the title of one of the earlier chapters. Check it out if you haven't already! Comments are always appreciated.
> 
> Much more to come for LAFK. I have the outlines for the next six chapters already written out.
> 
> Sorry for the rambling and happy reading, friends!

Lovino wasn't next to me when I woke up. God, I got to piss real bad.

I blindly smacked around on the nightstand until I heard the crunching of my glasses getting smashed under my hand.

I flipped myself out of the bed so that I tumbled onto the floor. Maybe I should find some pants... Nope. Nope. Pissing is definitely more important. Where's the bathroom again?

It was the room that music was coming from. Sounds like Lovi's in there. 

It's okay. I can hold it. I'm a big boy.

I decided to explore a little to pass the time.

So the main door to the apartment lead to the kitchen, which is small but interconnected with the living room, making it relatively roomy. In between the kitchen and the living room is a short hallway. The first door is the bathroom, the second room is where I just came from... Then what's in here?

I opened the door to a room lit up through the blinds by the early morning sun. It would be entirely empty in there if it weren't for the desk that sat in the corner. What all do we have here?

One thing on the desk is a laptop. Probably for work stuff. Boring. 

There was also a little desk lamp switched off. Nothing important there.

The last thing on the desk was a miniature vase holding a rose that looked pretty beat up, but otherwise healthy. It couldn't be the one from our date... could it?

My heart was sent aflutter. I would've spent a good ten minutes rolling around on the floor fanboying, but my bladder screamed to prepared for a flood.

Sorry dude, I'm coming in!

I was wowed once I silently jogged my way in. The shower curtain was incredibly see-through. A detailed silhouette danced contently to the beat of the music. And I thought most people just sung in the shower.

The music was upbeat but emotional, giving off that sense of longing. The man sang of the city and work and a broken past. I'm sure there are a lot of people out there that could relate. I recognized the tune but...

He moved as if he were the star of a professional music video. I can't begin to understand how he didn't slip in there. The stuff he had was pretty jammin' too. I got lost in it, somehow forgetting how bad a had to piss.

I couldn't be feeling better, not being cooped up with Gil and Matt. I have a feeling that Lovino and I have a real connection, something beautifully unreal. I could watch him dance in the shower every morning. Not because of perverted reasons! ...Mostly. He continued to hypnotize me with swaying hips. Like _hipnotize_. Haha, get it?

This song is groovin'! I wonder who it's by? I reached for Lovino's phone on the counter.

"What the fuck are you doing in here?"

Panik! I've been caught!

I changed the trajectory of my hand to whatever else I could find on the counter to make a quick excuse. Hand soap. I squirted some in my hair and scrubbed, matting down my cowlick.

"I was just... washing my hair?"

Peaking from the curtain, he put a hand to his mouth to stifle a laugh, but I still caught it.

"Ha! You laughed, I'm off the hook!" I ran out the door. _Oh god, but I still gotta pee real bad_. "Uh...dude?" I said from the outside. "I really gotta piss."

Not a second later, the air was knocked out of me by a fist bearing a black, dry towel. He stood there, dripping wet, using his other hand to hold up the towel by his waist.

"Piss in the shower." He spat. He was a little steamed, but satisfied with his gut punch. He headed off in the direction of the kitchen.

Well, if that was enough to get back at me for spying, I wouldn't mind getting punched in the stomach every once in a while. It'll keep me tough.

That reminds me, I should really think about hitting the gym sometime soon. These guns didn't come from playing video games all day!

As I was about to re-enter the bathroom his voice called out from the kitchen.

"Here's your clothes!" He shouted as the bag found its target, the back of my head. Good thing it was just clothes in there.

Hot damn though, he's got a good arm. I guess Lovino's not much a morning person. Another thing I must add to my "List of things I know about Lovino".

• cool accent (Italian)  
• 25 (good number)  
• nice legs  
• Must think up nickname that doesn't remind him of his ex  
• carbs = "only friend" (figure out what this means later)  
• has twin bro  
• not big fan of city (bc of smell?)  
• knows how to have fun and waste condoms at the same time (extreme-o entertaining btw)  
• makes good eats  
• like massages  
• needs a hero (( M E )) to stay and live in my awesome country  
• no likey morning time

There were so many more things I didn't know. I thought to myself about more questions I could ask him as I scrubbed my hair free of fresh smelling hand soap under the rushing hot water. I'm sure it's a good enough replacement for shampoo anyway. Smelled like lime. 

~~~

I could hear the soft, soothing sound of the shower from the bedroom. It forced on me the craving of crawling back into bed and dreaming the day away. I felt the bags forming under my eyes.

The pitter-patter of water dripping on the hard wood floor caught my ear. I traced its origin back to my own hair. Sigh.

The slowest and most agonizing part of every morning was getting dressed. But since I had work until late, it wasn't an option to skip it today.

Locking eyes with myself in the dresser mirror, I flung the towel previously wrapped around my body blindly across the room. So this was the body everyone around me seemed to think was so sexy, huh? I couldn't see it.

I spun around and traced every part of me with my eyes, minus the more crude bits. My lower half was like an anchor weighing me down and preventing me from gaining anymore valuable height, not that I had a chance. My thighs were blown up like blimps but filled with pizza and wheat pasta rather than hot air. My stomach was round, though not much so, it was still soft and weak and horribly out of shape.

I've dreamed of having a body so much different than this one. Tall, so other men wouldn't look down at me or see me as anything less. Lean and muscular, so I would be strong enough to defend myself and not even have the need to since stupid people wouldn't be so tempted to grab my ass. I wouldn't want to be too muscular though, not like those freak German brothers. That's not sexy. I wanted the kind of muscular that showed but wouldn't rip my nice shirts from just flexing. It was the kind a muscle that made your lover feel warm and protected at night.

My thoughts drifted back to last night. Feeling around toned muscle and being lightly squeezed and chuckling awkwardly when a hand wandered to a strange place. 

It was that kind. It was Alfred. He had my dream body. 

A twang of envy hit me that should've hit me long before. Why was I feeling this so late? Where was my normal cruel and standoffish behavior? Also, why in the _fuck_ would he be self conscious about his pudge and have the nerve to compliment my body? 

He had the perfect body. And he was offering it to me.

The thought brought a tomato red color to my cheeks. It was a horribly perverted thought to have, and here I was, standing in my bedroom stark naked.

I scrambled for some clothes. A pink button up and dark grey formal pants would do. Halfway through getting dressed a familiar chime came from the bathroom. Someone was calling me. I left my phone in there. And he was still in the shower.

Well, it's my house damn it, and he walked in on me first! I could just run in there and get it. Hopefully whoever it was wouldn't talk for to long so I could still have time to do my hair.

The steam from the shower nearly suffocated me when I busted in. I managed to answer the phone a second before the cycle of my ringtone came to an end. I grunted to make my presence known. Curious eyes peeked from behind the shower curtain. I shooed him away with the wave of the hand.

 _"Hey Lovi!"_ My brother greeted from the other end. _"How'd your date go last night?"_

"Stop being so nosey!" I shouted over the noisy water. "It was shitty like always, and it's all your stupid fault!"

 _"Oh, I see! You're in the shower, aren't you? Want me to call back later?"_ He said cheerfully, clearly ignoring my grumpy response.

"I'm not in the shower. Just get whatever you want to say over with, so I don't have to hear your voice again."

Then it was quiet. That is, if you don't count the obnoxiously loud rain from the shower.

_"It's him in the shower, isn't it? Oh no, Lovi, don't tell me you slept with him. You know what Grandpa says about sex before marriage..."_

His scolding tone lit a blazing fire in me. There was no fucking WAY...

"Oh I know what he said about sex before marriage for _you_ , Feliciano. I know you're his pure little angel that he loves to no end. And you know he's been sending _me_ boxes of condoms all the way from Italy every goddamn week for the past five years. You also know that grandpa hasn't had any sort of committed relationship since we've been alive. He's been encouraging _me_ to be just as big of a whore as him since we hit puberty." I wasn't done ranting, but during my pause to catch my breath he took the opportunity to stop me there.

_"Okay, okay, I'm sorry, Lovi. You can have all the sex you like. Just... did you use protection?"_

"No! I mean... we didn't do anything! For fucks sake, it was late, so he slept over here. Nothing else!"

_"...Promise?"_

"Fine. I promise."

"Don't worry, broseph! We didn't do the do, promise! Only cuddles!" 

Alfred stood, dripping over my shoulder, with the towel I had given him draped as loosely and as low as possible without showing any unmentionables. When had the shower stopped running?! The shock of it made me shriek and let my phone go falling to the moist tile floor. The sound upon impact made me sure I was going to have to buy another soon.

Alfred casually scooped my phone from the floor and chatted with my brother until I made a full recovery. I snatched my phone back with a growl.

"Get some clothes on, you freak!" I yelled, and then into the phone, "Stop calling!" Before hanging up and storming off to the kitchen without a plan and wet bangs in my eyes.

~~~

A delicious surprised awaited me in the kitchen. Lovino was turned away from me, facing the stove, and didn't give me even a glance when I walked in. His apron was tied into a rather large bow at his lower back. But the delicious surprise I am referring to is not Lovino.

A plate sat lonely on the table adorning three eggs over easy and a glistening golden brown slice of butter covered toast for each. A little arrangement of chopped fruits-- strawberries, watermelon, cantaloupe-- and a small glass of orange juice. I had it all down in just a minute. It was all so tasty!

I spoke up just he turned to sit his own plate on the table.

"That was fantastic! But the portions a little small. Do you have more? Like pancakes or... Ooh! Maybe bacon?"

"This is all I have. I don't normally make big breakfasts like this..." He turned his head to stare into his eggs and then looked up at me through his bangs. "...but maybe I could make you a bigger meal... next time... with some more praise..." A slight blush formed on his cheeks.

Lovino was the hardest guy to place. Full of confidence, like he wasn't shy of anything one moment, and a nervous blushing mess another. There had to be some sort of pattern.

He didn't seem to get all flustered about talking about sexual stuff. So that didn't bother him. 

I had to think. I really got the sense that he liked that sort of romantic stuff better, like that gushy text conversation we had the other day. To test this, I had to go pure Casanova.

"I'd do anything do get another plate," I said in the most suave voice I thought I could pull. "I wonder how yah do it..." I got up from my own seat and walked around the table to lean on his chair from behind him. "There must be something real special about you..." 

He shied away from my peering glances over his shoulder. Maybe I should try something else.

I sniffed around the at the air, not wanting to get too close and look like a creep in that way. Smelled like apples.

"You smell tasty, too. Like Granny Smiths. Say, do you taste as good as you cook?" He sat squirming and writhing as my mouth came closer and closer to his neck. I toyed around with him, making it unclear whether or not I was going at him with tongue or teeth. Fuck, was I coming on too strong? When I came close to closing in, I instead gave him a peck on the cheek. He flushed furiously.

"Thank you for cooking for me. And for tolerating me, honestly. I'm surprised you didn't hit me for that whole thing with the massage last night. I would've hit me! Please tell me if I'm being an idiot. I need some input here. I think the reason I've failed with every relationship thus far is because no one will tell me what I'm doing wrong. I'm putting so much thinking into trying to impress you it's starting to _hurt_." And I meant it. I had a serious headache.

"Christ..." he mumbled. He got out of his own seat to hang his arms over my shoulders, standing on his toes so that we almost saw eye to eye. "I just don't get it." He said, squinting to search within my eyes for whatever kind of answer he was looking for. "You're trying so hard you're hurting yourself? And for what?"

"Uh, I... think your really cool and I'm super desperate to make a relationship work for once because I'm a total failure?" Shit, no! I can't say I'm desperate! "I mean I really like you or... I'd love to get away from living with my brother and his boyfriend. No, I know you're amazing and I probably can't trick you into falling in love with me but I'm going to try anyway because it's always worth a try!" Somewhere in there I squeezed my eyes shut in fear that I'd said something wrong. I was sure my diarrhea of the mouth was more than cringe worthy.

"Yo. Shitface. I'll give you the input you want. Just open up. I'm not dating a fucking coward." I opened my eyes one at a time and was surprised to see a seductive look so close to my face. "Listen, you're going to have to stop saying shit like that. I'm terrified of sex with men but if you keep talking like that you're just going to have to just fucking take me." His eyes were half glazed over as if I had said something about pants-dropping worthy.

"Wha... what did I say, exactly?" 

He pushed me away violently. Not enough to make me stumble, but just enough to make me take a step back.

"You... your shirt is disgusting. We're going to go get you new clothes sometime. Right now... just go watch tv or something."

No matter how badly I wanted to know what in there I had said to get him to riled up, I don't think I was awake enough yet to press anything, even if I was apparently awake enough to give him a speech on why I was trying so goddamn hard. Okay fine, I'm making up excuses. Really I didn't want his food to get cold. You wouldn't want to just let eats that good go to waste.

The comment about my shirt stung, though. It was my favorite t-shirt, after all! It's super comfy and says "I heart bacon" on it. What's not to like? I suppose high-class people like Lovino wouldn't be too into it though, would they?

I flopped onto the soft brown couch of his and used the remote to turn the TV on. It was on a news channel. Ugh. What was on here that could suck me in enough that I'd forget about reality? Sports? Apparently not. I switched through channel after channel of news and more news. The cooking channel would probably just make me feel hungrier. No thanks.

I gave up channel searching and thought it might not be bad to take a nap. As long as I was here, maybe I could just forget about all of the work I could possibly be doing. The languishing tone in the reporters voice on screen kept me from the edge of drifting off. 

_"Thank you Feliks. This is the elementary school of south central Pennsylvania that was afflicted with the horrific event. Reminiscent of the Sandy Hook tragedy and other recent school shootings, eleven kids between the ages of seven and ten, as well as three teachers were pronounced dead as of yesterday evening. Four more students were injured, but are expected to make a full recovery. You can see that school will not be in session today, among several other schools in the district, until the perpetrator has been located and detained."_

They went on to describe horrible monster that had taken so many lives. And all from just a little pistol.

I remember having a strange fascination with those things: guns. They were so cool and could make someone feel so powerful. But after begging my dads for one for what felt like centuries, I never got one. Why didn't I have one now? I'm an adult! I can buy one myself if I'd like.

"I've been thinking about that, you know... Buying a gun."

~~~

I just about choked on my cantaloupe.

"Why would you want _that_?" I said bitterly. "Believe me, the number of homicides in this country from those things compared to most is astronomical. I'm surprised I haven't been shot yet. It's like some sort of American _plague_."

"That's exactly why we need one! I can by a gun, that way I can protect us if anybody tried to hurt us. It's easy!"

"You should try looking outside your own world once in a while. Other countries put restrictions on those damn things. That's why this place is such a damn mess. Your people can't stop dying, whether it be from obesity or from getting fucking _shot_."

"Come on, it's not that bad... Plus there's still people like _that_ out there. I wanna be able to protect us from-"

"Cut the bullshit, okay? You're a lot more likely to shoot me or yourself with a firearm than an intruder or a criminal you would happen to meet on the streets. It's just statistics."

"I wouldn't do that! You make it sound so horrible! We can't really have these shootings _that_ often..."

"Oh, you do. I watch your news stations all the time. To remind myself how fucked up the world is. It's a shooting at an elementary school, or at a church, or fucking gay nightclubs. It's incessant."

And suddenly the argument died. Something I had said shook him. His eyes were open but he seemed to stare at nothing. When he did speak, he spoke slowly and steadily. I hadn't heard this voice before.

"What if I told you that I promised Gil that you and I would come with him to the new gay club downtown? He said him and Matt and some other friends of his were going this Friday... Should I call it off? I don't want to put you in danger...or anything..."

"We can go! I'm a little offended you didn't tell me about this earlier, but I'm not going to kill your fun. It's not like every gay club gets shot up. We should be fine."

That was my attempt to make him feel better as quick as possible. Damn, he always knows how to make me feel bad. It must me some sort of super power.

This was the strangest experience I've ever had in my life. Alfred's so sweet and caring. Even if he doesn't really think things through, he does and says everything with good intentions. It's not really about whether I trust him or not anymore. It's about whether I trust myself, and I don't think I do. He's so emotional and I don't know how to hold myself back. 

Alfred stared at the floor. The room was silent minus the newscaster on screen rambling about more horrors happening across the nation. I had lost my appetite. 

While scrubbing the dishes clean, one of my least favorite things to do, I happened to glance at the clock on the stove.

"Fuck! I'm gonna be late again. I gotta go."

I threw down the dish towel that I was using to dry my hands and messed around my hair hoping it looked okay. I wasn't prepared for the sudden impact of him embracing me. It knocked half the air out of me.

"Be safe. I love you!"

"You're leaving too, you dick!"

"But... can't I just chill here for awhile? 'Til you come back?"

"Alfred, I'm not getting back until late tonight. You're going home."

" _Love me._ " He groaned and clung to me tighter.

Alfred, I'd say I love you a million times over.

I love you.

I love you.

I think I do.

He was probably waiting for me to say it. In a perfect scenario I would scream it into the sky and we would live happily ever after no matter the circumstances. But I couldn't. 

"Tell you what, how 'bout when I get off from work I'll spend the night at your place? Sunday's my only day off for awhile..."

"Aww but my place _sucks_..."

"Is that a no then?"

"No!"

"That's what I thought." I pushed my way out of his grasp and turned to leave. "Are you coming?"

"I'm coming." He said in a calm, non-sexual way. I feel the need to clarify this. I know how you sick fucks are.

So that was it.

I made him go home. I went to work.

In the elevator on the way up to our office floor, which was slow and hummed softly rather than providing shitty music, I started thinking.

Alfred wasn't really just some random matchup, now was he? Feliciano had explained to me before that apparent "professional matchmakers" put these people together. What did Feli tell them about me? What made them match me up with _him_?

The elevator door opened. I continued to stare at the floor, lost in thought, as I walked into the office. 

I had to figure out a day that I could get Alfred some new attire. I'd also have to call Feli again to ask him what the hell he told those people from that show, that I'd already forgotten the name of, about me. What was the name of it, anyway? First Kiss something? 

I walked straight into the hard chest of my former boyfriend, like an idiot.

"Lovi! You're here! Would you like to step into boss's office, please?"

"Um... okay?"

I scowled as he led me though the rows of cubicles to a large room that housed his giant desk and the king's mighty throne. 

I hadn't been in here much. It was quite roomy. There was a couch and coffee table with nothing but a laptop sitting on it and decorative paintings on the walls. But it looked like rich man's territory, just like everything else he owned.

"This is your new office! By that I mean, you're going to stay nice and close to boss so I can make sure you're working. Also, I can't allow you to take anymore siestas. We've been having a bad time money wise recently. They've really been cracking down on me. I'm afraid I'll have to do the same. Oh! And I've got something for you."

He went behind his desk and then revealed a plastic bag filled to the brim and tied in a loose knot.

"It's some things of yours you left back at my place. Except for your key. I uh... seem to have forgotten it again."

Not remembering what I could've possibly left at the smiling bastard's place, I opened the bag as soon as it was handed to me.

Lingerie, vibrators, cock rings, you name it. They weren't mine, but I knew where they came from. All of them; lousy Christmas, birthday, and Valentine's Day gifts he gave to me with promises to show me the night of my life. Let's just say there was no _way_ that I was taking any of these things home.

"I don't want these."

"But they are yours, my love. I have no use for them without you. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to make a call." He shooed me out of the room. Even though I resisted, he still managed to get me out of the room with the bag still in my hand. I leaned into the door as close as I could to listen in, to see what was so important.

"Gilbert? Are you there?"

 _"'Course! I'm always here for you, buddy! What's the problem?"_

Stupid piece of shit had it on speakerphone.

"I'm looking for some advice. You know I've been going under. I don't think we have much time left. And Lovi has been doing so much resisting..."

There was an audible groan that came from the other end.

_"Hey, I'm sorry you were dumped man, but you kind of had it coming. You've got no backbone! Now he's run off with Alfred. Alfred! Of all people..."_

"Ah yes. The American, right? Well, what can I do? He doesn't have any interest in me. And I don't want to meddle in that anymore. What can I do to... ah, how do I say it? To get him to cooperate? Lovino is as precious as a child of mine. I can't just let him go. And I'm in no mood to file for bankruptcy."

_"I know what you're saying. You've got to show him who's boss, Toni! I got the feeling that's how you lost him in the first place. Get a little submissiveness out of him. I'll tell you what you should do. You need-"_

"Whatcha listenin' to, Lovi?" 

My heart jumped into my throat. The plastic bag dangled loosely and open for the world to see, from my fingers.

"Bella! I... wasn't listening to anything. Just waiting for boss to finish up on the phone, since I'll be at work in his office now."

"Lovino, I know when you're lying to me. It's okay, though. I'll leave you to it. Just don't go causing too much more trouble. Boss already has enough on his shoulders." She scolded. 

Antonio must have it in his head somewhere that he needs to act like some sort of father figure to me, since he knows I've never had one. And if Antonio was my "father", Bella was my mother. Or acted like it at least.

"Yeah, yeah. I know..." I tried my best to sound guilty, and with my superb acting skills, I think she bought it. I leaned into the door again.

_"Don't back out on this, Toni. You know what you have to do if things keep going downhill."_

"Yes, I understand." His voice was filled with regret.

He opened the door to let me in. I experienced my first supervised workday. Whatever Antonio was discussing with his dear friend seemed important, and I didn't here a word of it all day. It was certainly something sketchy.

I would have to go to Alfred's place with a bag of "goodies" and still without the spare key to my apartment.

Oh, happy day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am an idiot >-•
> 
> Life makes me sweaty and itchy.
> 
> Song suggestion:  
> In Your Arms (Nico & Vinz)


	10. The Bull and the Calf

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is entirely Lovino's POV. Really it's kind of "Lovino's flashback part 1". Part 2 will not be the next chapter. I don't want anyone to lose track of what's going on in the present.
> 
> Author’s confession #1:  
> I write about 80% of this while in the bath. It's my place of isolation and relaxation.

_"...Bienvenidos a los Estados Unidos. Willkommen in den USA. Welcome to the United States..."_

The televisions all around us spoke monotonously in more languages than I could name. The shoulder bag I held was starting to leave marks. This was the last security gate before the two of us grabbed our suitcases from the belt and made our new home in New York City.

We seemed to get through much faster than most, probably because of Feliciano's insisting to tug me through crowds to be the first on our flight to get in line for everything.

Because on this, once we were all set to go. We had to wait a _century_ for our luggage to come around.

"Oh! That one looks like yours!" Feliciano pointed at the belt, bouncing with his own rolling luggage by his side.

"Feli, that one has a walking stick attached to it. And it doesn't have my sticker." I grumbled back. 

"Maybe it came off! I don't think the sticker is what you should be looking for."

I put that middle finger sticker on there so it was easy to find! That was its whole purpose.

Giving up, I searched around the lot for something or someone interesting to look at. What caught my eye? A middle finger sticker on a suitcase that looked just like mine, being dragged along by a man about twice my age.

"There!" I shouted, giving Feli a little pull in the direction behind us.

"But Lovi, those people are leaving!"

I watched the group that this man was traveling with. It was quite a large group. A big lady guided the man pulling my suitcase, who wore tiny, round sunglasses.

I went into panic mode.

"Feli, that man is blind! Go find the one with the cane! Go!" 

I sprinted to the group, nearly losing my footing and face planting onto concrete floor on the way. It was probably the fastest I've ever ran in my life.

"Excuse me... uh... sir! I believe you have my luggage!" 

The group stopped, hesitantly. The blind man looked alarmed and confused. The lady made a face like I was attacking them and she was ready to take me down.

"That's... that's my sticker." I stuttered, pointing at the case.

"Here it is! I found it! Here is your case, sir. That one's actually ours. Sorry for stopping you so abruptly, sir!" Feliciano swooped in with his own and the old man's case in record time. And then there was me, blubbering like an idiot.

"Oh dear, I'm so sorry, boys! I picked up the wrong case for my hubby. That musta been real scary, not seein' your stuff when comin' into a strange country. Where you boys from, anyway?" The large young lady smiled sweetly.

"We just came from Italy! We're so happy to be able to stay here in America. I can already tell we're going to love it here. Don't you think so, brother?" The little bastard was shoving all the pressure onto me. He exchange the case he found, the old man's case, with mine.

"Uh... yeah. Sure."

She didn't look very impressed with my answer.

"Well I hope you boys have fun. Come on, honey." She pulled along her husband once again. The whole group of them then continued off to the exit. I let go of a breath I didn't realize I was holding in.

I thanked the heavens that I got my stuff back in time. I could only imagine the old couple opening up my case and find my unmentionables, the horribly embarrassing childish underwear Feliciano bought for me on various special occasions. Like the grumpy cat ones. I shuddered at the thought of those random Americans catching a glimpse of them. What would they think of me?

I suppose it didn't matter. I had my case, and Feliciano was leading me to the along to the exit, far behind the middle aged couple. 

In the crowded, wide open space, in front of the plethora of shiny, glass and also open doors, were a line of men and women all holding signs with unique first and last names alike.

One particularly smiley man held a sign that read "Feliciano & Lovino". 

He and Feliciano seemed to recognize each other, and we met somewhere in the middle. He hugged Feliciano like this was some sort of reunion. He stepped in front of me then, and examined my face closely. The look in his bright green eyes was mildly discomforting.

"Hello, Lovino. Oh my, what a beauty you've grown to be. You probably don't remember me very well, do you? You were _very_ young at the time. I'm surprised you remember me, sweet Feliciano."

"I don't. Not really. But I've seen you in the photo albums! There's ones of you playing with us when we were in our first year of school. You were a teenager then, no?" The man's eyes never left me. I turned my face away from his strong gaze.

"Yes, your grandfather and I were very close at a time. But that is in the past. Let me start again." He put both hands on my cheeks, dropping the now useless sign. "Hello, Lovino. My name is Antonio Fernández Carriedo. I am your new boss. Welcome to America. Whatever you want in life, whatever you've been _craving_... You'll find it here. I assure you."

What I want in life? The only thing I crave is a warm bed, a hot meal, and for people to stop treating me like a child. But that is apparently too much to ask for. The last one was at least, I've come to find.

•••

Sitting in his apartment, with how huge it was, with how lavish it was, was always nerve racking. 

I sat on the couch crossing my legs and clung on to them tight so I wouldn't be tempted to bite my nails into stubs.

He asked me to come home with him after work again today. This time he wanted to "try something". That _something_ he was now retrieving from his bedroom.

"Lovi! I got it!" He said, swinging around what looked to be a bag of clothing.

"What is that?" I said sarcastically, mostly successfully hiding the anxiety from my voice.

"This is what we're going to do! Would you mind trying one of these on?" He pulled them out one at a time, giving a name to each of them, "I've got... a nice lilac one, a baby blue one... oh and red one, of course! Here's a kitty one..."

Some sort of... lingerie? 

They were lacy and fit for a thick-legged, flat-chested woman. The "kitty" one came with ears and a tail. But what was that on the end of it? I suppose I'll ask.

"What the _hell_ is on the end of that thing?"

"Well this part goes up your-"

"Never mind. I don't want to know." But I knew. That was unmistakably a dildo, a rather large one at that. I felt disgusted even thinking the word.

He pulled out another. This one was pretty strange looking. He held it up.

"Look at this one, my love. It's a cow! Adorable, no? It even has a hole right here so I can milk my little tomato. So... What do you think? Which one would you like to try?" He juggled them all around to display them all for me so I could choose. 

I didn't want to wear any of these! They were frilly and girly and degrading. He expects _me_ to wear one of these for him while he does whatever he pleases to me? Fuck that.

"I don't like them. Can't we watch some TV or something? Maybe stuff ourselves with garbage until we can't move? That sounds much more fun to me."

"Come on, Lovi! You don't like any of them?" He pouted with his bottom lip.

"I'm not wearing any of those. They're disgusting."

"Please, Lovi? Won't you try? For your wonderful boss? I promise I won't tease you..." He started to tear up. What kind of man starts to cry because his lover won't do a little lingerie show for him? Pathetic.

He was also paying a nasty card here. He _is_ my boss. He could fire me if he really wanted to. I'm not ready to go back to grandpa. It's only been a few months for fucks sake.

"Fine, whatever. Give me... the blue one?" It was the most generic, it seemed, but also, I came to discover, a major pain to put on.

I looked at my pitiful body in his bathroom mirror. What a disgrace. What in my life led me to this? 

It fit tight around my chest, but tighter around my legs. Tightest around my...

You know what I'm trying to say.

I turned around.

Wow. Is that really my ass? With all this shit on and these panties riding up my crack I didn't look like myself at all. This is not what I wanted in life.

I walked through the hall and to his bedroom in shame and embarrassment. 

He sat patiently, waiting for me, with a big goofy smile on his face. It only widened upon my entering.

"You look _beautiful_ , my love! Please won't you turn for me?"

"I'm not showing you my ass! This thing is just fucking weird! I'm taking it off."

"No! It's okay, come here. Boss will make you feel better."

I crawled over to him on his bed carefully, trying to cover as much of myself as possible. He grabbed ahold of my chin. He kissed deeply and with a fancy tongue.

"I'm cold." I complained after breaking the kiss.

"And what better way for me warm you?" 

He pulled out his cock, dark and throbbing red. My cheeks imitated its color. My reaction had him elated.

"Will you help me out first, Lovi? You're the best at it. Use your mouth." He commanded in a gentle and rough voice.

I was about to follow the command without retort, since this is what we always do, but he grabbed my feet, flipped me around and laid on his back, all in one swift motion. This seemed to be that "69" position that everyone giggled about. 

"Go on." He urged.

I took a preparing deep breath before tonguing up and down his throbbing mass. Then I rested my lips softly on the head, taking more into my mouth as slow as possible in attempt to make it agonizing. That was my mistake, I made him impatient.

He snuck careful fingers underneath laced blue panties. Once he was in position, he massaged my ass with two firm hands. I had no possible way of concentrating on what I was doing anymore when playful fingertips teased at my hole.

"Lovi? Why did your mouth stop working?"

"Um... I... I uh..." My mind drew a complete blank.

"Don't be nervous. I can prepare you nice and careful like. I won't hurt you. I would never."

"I... I don't think I'm ready yet..." 

"Look, just let me try going in just a little..."

He slipped a finger a quarter way in far too quick for my comfort levels. I screamed and fled.

"I can't do this." I mumbled as I scrambled out of the room.

In the bathroom. Off with the degrading underwear. I threw on the clothes I wore there as fast as I could.

"My love, let's talk about this!" He pleaded.

It only made me run faster.

•••

I took the subway home. I stood and clung to one of the grab bars with both hands, not particularly caring about the germs at the moment. 

It was way more crowded than usual. You would bump into a stranger with every sway.

I closed my eyes and took slow, deep breaths to calm myself down. I could feel my enflamed nerves washing over with tranquility, that being until I felt a hand caress my asscheek.

It was pretty packed. It was probably just and accident, I thought. But then it happened again. And again. I tried to shift away from whoever was touching me, too nervous to spin around to see who the slime ball was, but ended up just bumping into the beefy man next to me, who happened to be tall enough to reach one of the higher bars.

"Watch it." He snipped.

"Sorry. _Dick_." I coughed.

"You wanna say that again? You looking for a fight little man? Really think you could take me? You're lucky I'm a nice guy." He chuckled to himself. "Just don't get yourself raped on the way home."

His words stung. They stung a lot. I was lucky that the doors opened for my stop soon after.

••• 

Back at the apartment, I unlocked the door unsteadily and threw myself in the room as soon as it was opened. Turns out Feliciano opened it for me as soon as he heard me struggling with it. He backed up for my shaking body to enter.

"Lovino! What's wrong? You look awful!"

I couldn't hold it in any longer. I started to sob. My brother enveloped me in a hug.

"Oh no, Lovi. _Please_ tell me what's wrong."

"I'm being _used_ , Feliciano." Tears were running down my face and dripping onto the back of his shirt at this point. "I never asked for this. Relationships aren't supposed to be like this..."

"What do you want in a relationship? Knowing what you want, that's the first step."

"What would I want?" I paused dramatically. "I want someone who sees me for more than my looks. I want someone who will respect me. Someone who would compliment my personality, or one of my few talents. I want someone who would see me as a family man. I want someone who understands me. I want someone who listens so me. I... I want a friend."

A friend. I've never actually had one of those before. I always pictured it would be someone that could easily make me laugh, but I knew I was an impossible person. I didn't even smile. Hadn't in quite some time.

"I think you'll find it. Just wait. It might be Antonio. Maybe you two are just having a rocky start. Or maybe not. It could be someone that you would least expect. Just know that I'm alway here for you. And that you'll find him one day, if you haven't already."

"Why did you have to say _him_?" I groaned.

"I just have a feeling." He laughed shakily and breathily. "You should get to bed. Sleep it off."

He led me to bed and under the covers. If I didn't have a twin that helped me with everything I do, I'd probably be lost. Lost and broken. As thankful as I was for his presence, I'd also probably never tell him that.

I dreamed of being a completely different man. I was tall and strong built. People didn't mess with me when I walked down the street. Gilbert would text me to ask if I wanted to grab a beer or hit the gym with him instead of practically begging for sex. Antonio didn't smile at me. He never tried to guilt trip or manipulate me. I had the kind of respect that was just handed to me on a silver plater. I was a free man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s confession #2:   
> I don’t think I could be more disappointed in myself that after more than two years I still haven’t managed to finish this fic.


	11. Mate Means Friend and Lover

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's confession #3:  
> You remember the thing about the condom balloons? The magic drawer of practically infinite condoms? It's not really important to the story. Not in the slightest. It's just always been a dream of mine. One day...

"Headshot! Gotcha bitch!" I laughed into my headset.

"Yes, you got me again, Alfred."

"Don't you play this game all the time? How come I'm totally kicking your _ass_?"

"Well, it has been a while. I have to readjust my focus and block out your obnoxiousness in order to defeat you, my dear friend." 

"If you say so, dude."

Kiku was my bffl. He's never let me down. My Asian friend was the only one to always stick by me, no matter what. I haven't seen him in person since high school though. We always just played games online together. I was just always happy to hear his voice every other weekend.

"So, still trying to get your doctorate?" I asked casually.

"Yes, I suppose I am."

"Anything new going on?"

"Not really."

"Nothing?"

"I have a feeling there's something new in your life that you'd like to discuss."

There were a million things I'd like to say. Basically everything I wanted to say though, revolved around the same person. It was the same guy that was coming over tonight for another little sleepover.

"You know me so well."

"What would you like to talk about, Alfred?"

"I got a new boyfriend."

"Is that all?"

"What do you mean 'is that all'?!"

"That isn't really anything new."

I shifted in the beanbag on my floor. It wasn't the most comfortable thing in the world.

"Dude! This is different. It's... Well... I can't describe it. He's funny, though. We've had a lot of fun together so far. He's a real bro."

"Are you sure you aren't confusing 'boyfriend' with regular 'friend'?"

"No! There's... an attraction. There's a lot of that, actually. He makes me nuts sometimes, like... lightheaded or something."

"Care to describe him to me?"

"Well uh... his eyes are like... fire! Even though his eyes are like... a greenish color, so that doesn't make sense, but uh... His name is Lovino. I'd really like to give him a nickname, but I think 'Lovi' doesn't really fit and I don't want to remind him of his ex or anything. He like he's always ticked about... something. I don't know what it is, and it's probably too early for me to ask, but I have a feeling it has to do with his last relationship, you know, that same ex. Something's not right there..."

" _Alfred..._ " He said, hinting me to get back on subject.

"Right. Um... He has this weird strand of hair that stands out even more than mine does. I've been itching to give it a tug, just 'cuz. Oh! This one's a biggie. He's from Italy! He's been living here for about five years, I think. It's weird, he doesn't live that far away, and we know a lot of the same people. I don't know how I didn't get to meet him 'til just recently. I guess it is a big city..."

"He's been living here for five years, you say? That means he's a citizen, right?"

"Uhh... no. I don't think so... He's been worried about being taken back to Italy. You think becoming a citizen would fix that?"

"Alfred... if he's been working here for as long as you say, without a citizenship, there's a possibility he could be _deported_ if something happened."

The word echoed through my brain. Deported? But why? It didn't make sense in my head. Was it really that easy to be kicked out of the country? I'd have to look into this.

"...Alfred? Alfred! You're dead... Hey! Are you alright?"

"I gotta go man. Play again soon?"

"Sure?"

I understood his confusion. Typically we would play together for hours. 

He made me paranoid. I got lost researching immigration and deportation laws. And to be honest, I didn't understand a little bit of it.

_"Any alien who, within five years after the date of entry; has become a public charge from causes not affirmatively shown to have arisen since entry is deportable."_

I didn't really get what that meant, but we had to be safe, that was for sure. I'd have to get him to become a citizen of the US of A.

~~~

It was the most exhausting day of work I'd had in a while. Alfred texted me the address of him and his brother's apartment, and by the time I got there, I was emotionally and physically beat. He must've been waiting for me at the door, because when I knocked, he opened it immediately and we had already locked each other in a hug. I couldn't understand why I actually _wanted_ to hug him when I typically wasn't even willing to hug my own brother.

"Work sucked major dick today. Show me something to make me feel better?", I near demanded.

"Yeah! Come on into my room! It's totally pimpin'. You'll love it."

He dragged me through the living room, past the kitchen, all the way to the end of the hall to a bedroom the size of a child's. I stood in awe at the pure amount of red, white and blue of the childlike bedroom, in everything to the beanbag chair on the floor to the Superman bedsheets on the single, twin sized bed.

"I can play a movie! I've got a perfect one to play for you. Get yourself comfortable!"

He hopped playfully onto the floor and rummaged through some discs in order to find whatever it was that he wanted to play for me. I sat myself onto his bed. When he found the disc that he wanted, he put it in and dove to sit in the beanbag chair down in front of me.

What did he put in, you ask? Well...

Somehow I found it endearing, that this grown man in front of me was so happy, so energetic, and so entertained by a movie meant for eight year old girls. He sang along to every song with more enthusiasm than I've ever known.

High School Musical.

I wanted to slap myself for the grin on my face, but I reminded myself that I wasn't smiling at the hyper unrealistic perception of high school life and romance, but at him.

How is it that he kept doing this to me? Here I was, smiling again. He made me laugh by being himself. It was almost like he was, dare I say it... my first friend.

It felt amazing. I wanted to see him more often. It was like, I would come home from a shitty day at work and he would be there to laugh it off and make me forget how badly I wanted it all to just go away. If things were like that, maybe everything would be okay. I loved this idea. The thought that I could have some sort of escape from reality. I loved-

It had felt so wrong to even think that could love someone not long after meeting them, but that didn't matter to me anymore. I would say it, and I would say it tonight. No matter how painful it was, but when the time felt right...

Shit. I dropped that stupid, disgusting bag back by the door. Hopefully Alfred's brother or that German prick wouldn't find it. How embarrassing would that be?

~~~

_Wild cats everywhere! Wave your hands up in the air. That's the way we do it, Let's get to it,  
Come on everyone!_

Before I knew it, the movie was over. I got so into it that I hadn't even given Lov a glance through the whole thing. Though when I finally looked back at him, he wore a slight, sweet smile.

Apparently he hadn't expected me to turn then, and quickly shook the expression away. And then he yawned.

"I'm as tired as a fucking ape on horse tranquilizer. Come up here with me, you big prick." He made a grabby motion at me, like a fussy toddler would at a teddy bear just out of reach.

I pulled my sweatshirt from over my head, switched my light off and then crawled up with him. 

My bed was horribly crowded with just the two of us lying there. He seemed to think so too. His solution seemed to be to get undressed as possible, without being nude, so he wouldn't get overheated. I followed suit.

I knew he was planning on going to sleep, and hopefully we would be able to, but it would have to be soon. If I was right, it was around the same time that the thin walls of this apartment screwed me over with only a half night's worth of sleep. Sure enough, once Lov was satisfied and comfortable with our cuddling, a distinct loud moaning, gasping and other disturbing noises produced by Matt and his troublesome boyfriend seeped through the walls.

"Oh fuck no. Oh, oh fuck no. Is that what I think it is?" He said from in the darkness. I flicked a lamp on in order to see him better. I hadn't even bothered to take my glasses off yet.

Oh, and by the way, have you noticed the new nickname yet? I'm going to try calling him 'Lov'. Cute right? 

"Yeah, it's... it's what you think it is."

"How often do you have to deal with this?" He mumbled groggily, rubbing one of his eyes.

"Only every other night. Less than that if I go to bed early."

"I guess I see why you didn't want to come back here so badly. If heard my brother fucking his bastard boyfriend right next door all the time, I'd already have a noose around my neck."

I sighed. It was going to be a long night.

"Any suggestions?" 

"We could try to drown them out." He proposed.

"Yeah? With what?"

He squirmed back out from under the covers and sat on his knees. Slowly, he started to bounce, until it came to the point where the squeaking of the springs in my bed almost drowned out the sound coming from the other side of the wall, but not completely.

The noise from afar was forgotten about once Lov moaned, loudly and wantonly. I blushed profusely.

"What are you doing?" I whispered as he continued to bounce.

"Just go along with it. If they think they're hearing _us_ having sex, they'll probably be too weirded out to continue, right? Moan a little." He hissed back.

"I'm not a very good actor..." 

He scoffed at my excuse and moaned louder and more dramatically to make up for it. I worked on patting the redness out of my cheeks before I got too turned on by something so silly. It was still too early in the relationship for those things, I kept having to remind myself.

One moan was particularly loud and exaggerated, even to the point of echoing around the dark apartment, which was obviously his quote "orgasm". And when he stopped bouncing, the springs done screeching, I noticed the noise on the other side of the wall ceased as well. Success!

"You fucking genius!" I tackled him into my mattress, to which he yelped in surprise. His slight smile and lidded eyes made my heart burn. Or maybe that was my diet. Either way, it was a feeling I couldn't ignore. "Usually Gil'll try to drag it out as long as he can. Bet you got Mattie real embarrassed."

He didn't say anything back. He just smiling, like I was something special. It felt nice. Lud looked at me like I was in special ed, but not like this. No one else ever looked at me like this. 

I didn't feel anything like my past relationships. It felt like a whole different level of closeness. Could it be that Kiku was onto something? Are we just friends?

~~~

I knew what I wanted to do. It was just so hard. I've never done it before.

As seconds flew by and I said nothing, just staring with an expression I never knew I could feel, Alfred turned very quickly from giggly to a look of concern. I had to get it out before things got awkward.

"I love you." I it said under my breath so faintly that I could hardly hear it myself.

He must've read my lips, because somehow he picked it up.

"Really? You mean it?"

"Well I never managed to say it to anyone else before."

He nuzzled my collarbone.

"Thank fuck." His voice cracked slightly.

My phone buzzed from my pants on the floor. He leaned over the edge to grab it and casually hand it over.

**fuckboi: I know u were faking it u dirty liar**  
**fuckboi: You and toni didn't fuck once after FIVE YEARS and u want me to believe u did it with the guy with the superman sheets? Not fuckin likely. Nice try.  
** **fuckboi: Plus even if I believed u I would b laughing. U guys only lasted like 2 minutes**

I threw the stupid device down onto the bed in irritation, harder than I intended as well. It bounced off and dropped onto wood floor with a crash.

"Whatever." I would have to buy a new one sooner or later anyway. I felt fucking good, so there was _no way_ I was going to let any German fuckhole ruin my night.

I had something so stupidly brilliant in my arms. So young, and yet he had a stable job, which he seemed to be happy with. With whatever amount of stress he endures with a shrug and a smile. I felt drugged, being so woozy from a need of sleep and probable love sickness. What a disgusting person I am. 

His carefree view on homosexuality was the strangest and most beautiful thing I've ever experienced. Somehow it made me feel so excited. Instead of hiding away, instead of being afraid, I could stick it in the face of any bastard who looks down at me.

I interlocked our lips forcefully, pulling his face into mine by his cheeks. Why did I ever think Alfred would try to use or trick me? Hating myself as much as I did, it was weird to feel this good.

I held him and hugged him, he did the same to me, and soon I was in a peaceful snoozing state.

I dreamed of myself, what's remnant of my family, and my newfound lover being brutally mauled and eaten by bears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's confession #4:
> 
> Alfred and Lovino are the two halves of my personality. This is the reason that a lot of things are the way they are in this fic. The ship, the stupid lingo, the crazy storyline... it's because I'm fucking insane. I leach off the personalities of my current OTP because I have no real personality of my own.


	12. Declaration of Independence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter about a birthday, posted on my birthday. A beautiful coincidence. 
> 
> Part 2 of Lovino's past
> 
> Also, I hope that Antonio doesn't look like "the bad guy" in this story. I love 'em. He's not a mean ol' baddie.

In his overly lavish apartment again, for what felt like the millionth time, I anticipated the worst.

After so long of this going on, of us being together, it was easily predictable of what would happen. I had continued on being rebellious and resilient, he showered me with gifts, he took workloads away from me, he let me have everything that I could possibly want. Then he would go to show some affection, and I would run. I would cry to my moronic brother but not really know what to say. I began to think that maybe, I was just being an asshole. Feliciano though, was getting ready to walk out on me, packing his things to move out, and I would be left with no one to run to.

But after I shifted in his couch impatiently and angrily another time, he called me over to his sparkling dining room. There were Italian and Spanish dishes presented exquisitely and filling up every last inch of the table. My mouth watered at first glance. His voice brought me back into reality, if only for a moment.

"Happy twenty fifth birthday, my love. I prepared each and every one of these just for you. Indulge yourself. Eat all you can."

I stuffed myself until I could hardly move. Surely it would all go straight to my thighs.

He stopped strumming on his guitar, ruining the peaceful ambiance, to sit by my side while I continued to eat even though I was far exceeding full.

"I have travelled all around the world, but not a sight I have seen has been as beautiful as you, Lovino."

I rolled my eyes at the cheesy line.

"Whatever, you fucking liar."

"Oh but Lovi, I would never lie to you."

I got to the point where I didn't have the strength to pick up my fork any longer. I stretched, yawned, and rubbed my eyes. He cooed at me and picked me up bridal style to his bedroom. I didn't mind, only because I was just that damn tired.

He laid me down gently and then cuddled me as a big spoon. It made me scowl instead of the relaxed expression I would wear while sleeping alone.

He nuzzled me with his nose. I could almost say that it was comforting. I felt cared for, and warm. I turned to lay on my back to avoid the spooning and enjoy the nuzzles. I almost fell into a peaceful sleep.

Almost.

His cute, romantic nuzzles turned into rambunctious, lustful kisses in the crook of my neck and collarbone. I grunted at the rude awakening. He straddled me and looked down at me from above. I could only hope that the sleepy glaze in my eyes wouldn't be mistaken for my own lust.

"I love you." 

His voice was soft and loving. I knew that he cared about me. I knew he did everything he could for me. He deserved to hear it said back.

"Uh... I... I... I lo... I l... I lo..." The words stuck to the back of my throats like they were covered it peanut butter.

"Shh... it's okay, it's okay. You don't have to say it for me to know. Show me."

He reverted to attacking my neck. By attacking, I meant his gentle butterfly kisses and well controlled passion was slowly suffocating me.

I froze underneath him. I wasn't scared. I knew he would never hurt me. I wasn't repulsed by him. He was even fiendishly attractive for a man. But I couldn't do a thing. Certainly not return the affection.

I felt hands trailing down to my lower regions. Unbuttoning jeans, exploring under waistbands, removing... everything. Meanwhile, I closed my eyes tight enough to hurt.

Happy, happy. Everything is great. It's my birthday...

In the cold silence of the lavish bedroom, I heard him pick up an object from his nightstand to my right. Testing it, I assumed, he flicked a switched to which caused a distinct buzzing. I shivered at my impending fate.

It was pressed against my... hole. I could feel from just the tiniest bit that was pressed inside of me that it wasn't all that big.

"Relax, sweet. Take deep breaths... unclench..."

To that voice, I'm sure anyone would open their legs. But me? I didn't move a muscle. He only sighed.

"Lovi... I understand that you are nervous. It's perfectly normal to be! Just think about your feelings for a moment. Don't you want this?"

My eyes snapped open. The question echoed in my ears like a gunshot in a enclosed steel, or a firecracker going off a centimeter from my face.

_Didn't I want this?_

"No, I don't."

Pushing away, just as I had any other time, felt so freeing. This time it was going to be a whole new freedom.

"Lovino wait for a-"

" _No._ I can't fucking do it anymore, okay? You keep waiting and waiting for me to be 'ready', but it's not going to happen, Antonio. I'm done. _We're done._ " I was rushing to get my clothes together to take hold of the last of my dignity.

"I love you, my poor, sweet, Lovino. Can't you see? I'm trying my best. I can only do so much for you."

"So you won't have to do anything else! I don't give a shit."

He approached me as I turned to leave with a reassuring hand on the shoulder, which I quickly batted away.

"Don't fucking touch me," I hissed. "We're over. Finished. Donezo. I'm leaving."

I got out of there as fast as I fucking could to avoid whatever emotions he would express as a result. He was an incredibly nice man, and I crushed his heart, or at least, I thought I did. I guessed that my only real talent was being an asshole.

Back at home, my brother and his macho fiancé celebrated his birthday with _my_ wine. The humongous bastard opened the door with apparent surprise. I would never be able to tell with that stoic face of his. 

"Eh... evening, Lovino. Happy birthday, I suppose. You look troubled. Would you like me to pour you a glass?"

I used all the strength I had left in me to push him out of the doorway. My attempts were pitiful, but he simply stepped to the side to let me through.

"Don't talk to me, you piece of shit."

They obviously exchanged some concerned glances behind me. I couldn't make myself care. 

I went to bed a free man, if only for a moment. My work ethic was still terrible, and I doubted Antonio could find any other use for me. If I was lucky, I would maybe last a month and a half before he either got fed up with my bullshit or he went bankrupt. One thing I was almost certain of, maybe not now, but eventually; I'm coming home, Italy.

And I wasn't horribly against it. It had to be time to face Grandpa again, no matter how much I hated it.

It's funny how things can change so quickly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A chapter called "Declaration of Independence" and Alfred's not in it at all??! Yeah, yeah. I hope you understand why. I'm not an idiot, I'm pretty sure at least.


	13. Old and New

What's a better start to your morning than waking up by falling face first onto wood floor? The beanbag cushioned my head but my body was achy and even red in some places. Thanks for saving my face, beanbag.

I got up off the floor to see my lovely boyfriend had cocooned himself in my comforter while also somehow sprawling out to take up my whole bed.

I would say it was adorable, but he had just shoved me off the bed.... Also it looked like he was having a nightmare or something, tossing and turning and his face scrunched up in displeasure. If he was having a nightmare, then I'd have to save him from it! Quickly I took some sweats and a lounge kind of shirt to get myself dressed. Our clothes from last night still littered the floor.

I poked is arm. He only stirred more.

"Lov? Dude? Lovidude? Wake up!" I said, shaking him by his upper torso.

He gasped into alertness and flailed his fists wildly. One of them caught my right eye. I cupped a hand over it reflexively. If I had put my glasses on already he would've wrecked them.

My eye was throbbing to the pounding of my heart. My head spun, but it wasn't like I hadn't felt this kind of pain before. I leaned over on the bed to pull myself together. Damnit, I was supposed to be tougher than this!

Meanwhile, the man that inflicted this pain on me was just coming to realize what just happened, and started sputtering curses and threw on some of the clothes that were on the floor. That happened to be my shirt, which looked a couple sized too big for him, and his own pants. In his panic he hadn't even bothered to zipper them up.

He ran out of the room, leaving me in my crippled state.

I wish I hadn't woken him up like that. I could've done it better. It was all my stupid fault. I awaited his return with a pouty bottom lip. My eye hurt like hell.

~~~

Damnit, damnit, fuck! What the hell was wrong with me? I ran out to where I remembered that the kitchen was to get him some ice or something. My heart pounded furiously, sending me in a flurry of panic.

I opened the freezer and found some frozen peas before nearly shitting my pants when a soft voice came from behind me.

"Hello... You must be Alfred's boyfriend. I'm Matt... Hey, are you looking for something?"

He looked so much like Alfred. The only immediate difference I could pick up was the length of his hair and the frames of his glasses. An identical twin... freaky.

I would've probably stayed and asked him about it. He seemed like a nice guy and all, but I had more urgent things to take care of. 

"I need this." I mumbled under my breath before heading back to the bedroom.

Alfred was crumpled over, or leading awkwardly on the bed cupping the eye I nailed. He took his hand away hesitantly to let me press, gently, the icy bag to his face, to which he winced.

He batted my hand away in order to hold it himself, and quickly removed it to show off a large, dark red mark underneath. It would almost certainly bruise.

"How does it look?" He asked with a half grin.

I gave him a toothy, fake smile.

"Not good, huh?" He got up to check himself out in the mirror. "It's not like I've never had a black eye before." He said with a shrug.

It was the worst feeling. I could never give a shithead that deserved a black eye one, and then by mistake I give one to an innocent bumbling idiot.

And yet he acted as if nothing happened, trying to use the makeshift ice pack as little as possible.

His nose twitched around in the air like a hungry bloodhound.

"Do you smell that?" He sniffed around some more. "Mattie's making pancakes!"

He took me by the wrist back out to the kitchen. A plate of freshly made, stacked tower of pancakes stood with a cascading waterfall of maple syrup and melted butter. The man I had the awkward first meeting with had his back to us as he casually flipped more soft dough into golden brown. Alfred used this opportunity to slip in and swipe the already prepared stack. 

He flopped down on the couch, bringing me with him, and fumbled with the remote until he came to a show titled _My Six Hundred Pound Life_. I would never understand these shitty tv shows. These people were too big to even stand themselves up. They would try to eat healthier and lose some weight, and if this surgeon guy from Texas deemed them serious enough about loosing the weight, he would give them liposuction or whatever it was. Sure, maybe I didn't have the perfect body, but at least I'm not these fuckers. Is that what this show is for? A sick self esteem boost?

Alfred, who had been snorting pancakes for the past five minutes and cleared half the plate, shoved a bite of the syrupy, buttery substance in my face. With the worried look on his face because of the fact that I wasn't eating, and the fact that he was trying to eat six large pancakes all by himself, I figured maybe, just a couple bites couldn't hurt. And it was a damn good decision. Sometimes you forget just how mouthwatering those fatty foods are when you avoid them for so long.

He seemed a little giggly, which I came to realize was because he liked the fact that we were sharing a fork. I didn't quite understand that. If kissing wasn't a big deal, why would this be?

The albino German shithead came out of nowhere then, pausing upon seeing what happened to Alfred's eye. 

"Woah! Look who got beat the fuck up! I knew you were into some crazy shit, Lovino. Just wanted to try it out on someone a little more innocent, huh? I get it." He said, I assumed, sarcastically, since he knew we didn't really do anything.

"I'm not innocent! And Lovino's not into any of the fucked up stuff your into, Gilbert." Alfred spit back like a child sassing his older brother.

"Oh really? Because I had a peek in this bag..." He pulled the bag of horrendous gifts in the form of sex toys into our line of vision, even picked up one rather large, firm, penile object to be sure that Alfred got a good look at it. My shoulders tensed and locked into a position somewhere around my ears.

Standing in the doorway to the kitchen with two pancakes on his plate was Alfred's even dorkier brother. He marched over and slapped the toy out of his boyfriend's hand and back into the bag.

"Gil! Don't touch their things! I'm so sorry, you guys." He placed the bag carefully between us on the couch with a red and uncertain face.

Alfred gave me a look that seemed to ask a thousand questions, to which I simply shook my head. Now was not the time to be talking about that. I moved the bag out of the way and scooted closer, with my legs comfortably taking up half of the couch, in hopes to forget.

Matt sat down away from us on the big lounge chair ready to indulge in his exquisitely prepared pancakes. There was a strange air between all of us, even with the woman on screen celebrating about her "life changing surgery".

"So... I heard you two had fun last night." Matt uttered softly. His cheeks flushed as, I imagined, he thought of last night.

I fiended embarrassment, chuckling and covering my face.

"Did you hear that? I'm sorry Mattie, we'll be more careful next time." Alfred assured him, giving me a unsuspicious exaggerated wink. The syrupy mixture dribbled down his front as he shoved the last bite into his face. Charming.

Well, at least things are never boring. As long as I'm around him, that's most likely a phrase I'll adopt as a tick.

An obnoxious laugh came from behind us in response to Alfred's abysmal acting.

"Aren't you guys doing well? Mattie, baby, I think you might owe your brother here an apology."

"I don't think so," he said simply.

Though I hadn't really a clue what Matt said in the past to trigger this, it made me feel somewhat offended. Other people had no clue how our relationship works. They don't know me. They don't know Alfred. Well, I guess Matt probably does know him, but that doesn't mean he knows what Alfred wants.

Everyone thought Antonio and I were so damn cute and perfect for each other. I would question why it's not the same with Alfred, but the fact that no one seemed to understand but my stupid little brother made me spiteful and want it to work just to prove everyone wrong. I would bet a limb my brother's macho fiancé would think we're a mismatch couple too.

The room was tense. We were silent, but the tv was more, when an episode of _Love at First Kiss_ started up.

"Oh! We should totally watch this!" Alfred squealed. "Love this show."

"How could you possibly enjoy this shit?" I said, surprised such a phrase was even legal when referring to a disaster of a show like that.

"What do you mean?"

"I have never watched more uncomfortable, shitty American tv than this fucking show. All it is is people harpooning each other with their fucking tongue spears. It's gross."

And he made the same puppy dog face he makes every time he's slightly upset.

"But... we like... met on there! Doesn't that make it, I don't know... important to you?"

"If I met Morgan Fucking Freeman in a one of those white rooms, it still wouldn't make it a good show." The albino motherfucker doing whatever he was doing behind us snorted at my remark. "You can't tell me you don't think that's disturbing as fuck."

We watched as a man in flashy clothing and a woman with caked makeup slurped each other's lips. With no music in the background to drown it out, you could here every movement of lips and tongue. My stomach was doing somersaults. Alfred ate his fucking words with traumatized eyes glued to the screen.

"Yeah okay you're right."

"You never actually _watched_ the show you signed yourself up for?" His brother said in an ashamed sort of tone.

"No not really."

The air was thick and unpleasant again. Was it like this with these guys all the time? When I gave a look to Alfred asking this question, his eye emitted a clear yes.

"Come on, guys, we can't sit here watching tv all day, that's lame! Let's play... this!"

~~~

Gil made the big reveal, jumping in front of us with _Just Dance 2016_.

"So, who wants to play?"

Just Dance is something Gil and I played together a couple of times since Matt and him have been together. It's really the only time we get along. Just Dance is a super fun game.

"I'm not gonna play a damn dance game." Lov crossed his arms and gave a dirty look.

Feeling the need to stay on his side, I burped out a refusal. I mean I burped through my words, yeah. What do you want? I just ate!

"Oopsie."

"You mean excuse me?"

"I meant what I said." I snapped at my brother. I wish he would stop sassing me. My way of speaking is perfectly acceptable and he just doesn't get it.

Gil put the game into the Wii U. He crossed his arms and waited while it ever so slowly loaded up.

"Someone's gonna play with me."

"Gil, you know I don't like that stuff..." He sat his now empty plate down on the corner table next to him.

He switched through the songs, bobbing his head indecisively, then stopped on _Gibberish_.

"So?"

Gibberish was my favorite. I was itching to stand up and shake it, but I was still mad at Gil, for various reasons.

"You're gonna play with me."

He put a Wii remote into my boyfriend's hand and pulled him on his feet by his wrist.

"Fine, I'll play one song, if it'll get you to shut up."

"Great! You're the girl."

"Why do I have to be the girl?"

"'Cuz you're shorter! And I'm already the guy."

He huffed.

And they danced.

Well, it was more like, Lovino danced. Gilbert jumped around like a wild baboon.

Lov followed the moves fluently as of he knew them all already, even though Gil was the one who had played it practically a hundred times.

My eye twitched as Gil got as close to Lovino as the moves would allow. It never did that before. I didn't even know my eye could do that! When you see that sort of thing in movies and shows it looks so forced that I always took it as a gesture people did to make it obvious that they were pissed, but right now it felt like a whole new thing. I put a hand on my eye to try and calm the muscle spasms and ended up flinching. Oh yeah, I forgot. My eye.

Lov hit the five star mark on the last move. Gil almost scored a four. Almost.

I got up and snatched the remote from him.

"We'll do a duet way better together. Watch and learn, _Gil_."

"Try to be nice, Alfred." I think you can guess who said that one.

 _You're the One That I Want_ was the song I selected. The song from Grease, you know. I remembered the moves only vaguely since I'd played the song only once before.

"You're gonna make me be the girl too?"

"Only because I'm more than a hundred percent sure you can't pick me up."

"You're right, you'd probably fucking break me."

The amount of offense I took toward that comment was minimal since he was most likely right. Maybe I needed to lose some weight. Still needed to plan that gym day.

I watched as he focused in on doing the moves just as they were displayed, so much so that I failed to pay attention to my own moves at all, causing me to flub nearly every move, even tripping on the move where he grabbed my chin and pulled me towards him. 

But in the end, the ending move to the song, I refused to mess up. I scooped him up like he was nothing. When it was all over, he got another five stars. I, however, got a whopping two. Gil snickered from the couch. We were both obviously annoyed by this, but Lov's retaliation was unexpected on my part.

He took my lips in his as I set him down, cupping my cheeks with both of his hands.

Gil stood and grabbed a third controller.

"Okay boys... _Let's Groove_ ," he challenged.

We danced to a couple songs more as Matt watched. It was starting to make me feel bad. After a while, our five star dancer noticed this and offered a hand to him.

"Oh, no, I can't..."

"You're not having any fun just fucking sitting there. Just try it. I won't make fun of you. I don't know about them though..."

"I won't!" Gil and I said in unison. We turn and mirrored each others glares. My eye twitched more rapidly this time. 

I handed over my controller to Mattie. They played the alternative version of _Hey Mama_. The one with the geisha looking characters. That one was a hecka fun one.

I went back to my bedroom to retrieve my phone, accidentally stepping on Lov's in the process. It was beaten to hell like my pride. The spiderweb like cracks that covered the top half of the screen had only gotten longer.

I felt bad, like I was meddling in my brother's relationship, but the way things were, I felt like, Gil at least deserved it.

That bitch was gonna be exposed.

When they were done with there song and Matt had a slight smile on his face, genuinely enjoying himself, I handed Matt the phone with all the conversations with 'fuckboi' displayed on the screen.

"What is this?" He scrolled through, skimming the chats. "Whose phone is this?"

Lov waved a casual hand.

"Who is _fuckboi_?"

"Who do you think?" I said.

We all looked at the blushing culprit.

"Baby! You know I wouldn't... It's just a... We've known each other for a really long time! Years even! I..."

"This conversation is from two days ago."

Mattie's expression didn't often change away from bashful. Right now, he didn't look anything more than disappointed.

"It's all a stupid joke! I'm just messing with the new mismatch couple. I mean look at them! Really, Mattie, you're the only one for me and you know it! I would never do that to you."

"You're sleeping on the couch for a couple days."

"Aw, come on, baby, please!"

"That's all?!" Gil scowled at my interruption.

And Lovino sat on the lounge chair disinterested.

"That's final."

The apartment felt stuffy and uncomfortable once again. I needed some fresh air. I asked Lov if he wanted to go anywhere.

"We should go out for knew clothing. Your wardrobe is a disgrace. Like that one shirt you where wearing yesterday..."

"You mean the shirt you're wearing right now?"

He looked down for the first time this morning.

"I'm gonna fix my hair, and then we're going fucking shopping."

~~~

I followed as Alfred trudged us along to a mall he claimed to know of. It wasn't exactly what _I_ would call walking distance but that's what we were doing. After all we did today already, I was having trouble keeping up even in his slump. He watched the cracks in the sidewalk so intently he almost hadn't noticed that I stopped walking.

"Something wrong?"

"I'm exhausted. Whose idea was it to do all that dancing?"

"Gilbert's."

"Yeah, well I can barely feel my legs. I don't want to walk anymore." I crossed my arms like a pouting toddler. He bent his knees and reached his arms around his back.

"What are you doing?"

"Piggyback ride. Hop on."

I'd never been offered a piggyback ride before, so I'd been taken aback. Doing something like that would be far too embarrassing, but disregarding that, I observed his positioning wondering how it would work.

"Come on, we're standing in the middle of the sidewalk."

"You can't pick me up like that."

"Sure I can. Put your leg in here."

Without warning he grabbed ahold of my legs and stood up smoothly, as if he were picking up a child and not a 150 pound man. And I'd only come to learn that number recently. Stupid complicated American measurement system.

He started walk just around the same pace as before, this time looking forward instead of at the cracks in the dirty pavement caused by overgrown trees. The small amount of grass that broke through was finally beginning to change from nasty brown to a shade of green identical to the eyes that greeted me everyday in hell-- or, at work, I mean.

Some blocks were immensely filthy. The air was thick and smelled of sewage and the assortment of garbage that spilled onto the street, whether it be a plastic filled with a mystery substance or soda cans that would leave marks on the sidewalk from how long they'd been there, that is, if anyone dared to pick them up. The buildings were worse for wear. I couldn't guess what would have to happen to make a building so moldy and crumbly. Age, sure, but what happened to when America was the symbol of youth?

Other blocks were fresh and new. The air was breathable. The garbage and recycling bins weren't overflowing. The look of the sidewalks didn't make me fear for my shoes. Some of the buildings touched the clouds and even and gleamed in the sunlight enough to hurt your eyes if you looked at them a certain way. I could see our reflection on the walls of them, yes, the walls, not the windows. People all around gave us strange looks. Some were of disgust and others of adoration or curiosity, but these were not looks I was willing to deal with. With hiding my face in the crook of his neck the weight on my chest mostly faded. Without pressing eyes of other people the walk would've been peaceful or almost relaxing, if it weren't for the frequent change in smells.

"I wish it could be like this more often," he said, looking up into the tiny piece of sky visible from below. "I thought I would be getting away from everything moving into the city, but everything's the same. People make everything blown out of proportion. The only difference I've come to find is less hickwear and less people care what I say I am. And even that! People still talk about it. People still make a big deal out of everything. I used to, too. But I can't avoid confrontation either. Like this-- it's nice."

"What about all the people looking at us?" I spat bitterly, lifting my head just enough for it to not be muffled by his shirt.

"They don't matter. Like Gil's stupid opinion doesn't matter." He turned his head to the side. " _Mismatched_. What does he know?"

I lifted my head. A young girl smiled up at us as she passed in the opposite direction. The older lady holding her hand pull her along faster when the were close to us, as if to escape.

Maybe... this was something I could get used to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got really angry bc I had a lot more written that got lost. I really wanted to update so I posted this anyway. I'll have to rewrite that in another chapter, which will be 15.
> 
> See you again soon  
> ~Saturday~


	14. My Liberty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Lovino was on his way to his new job in a foreign land, Alfred was here.
> 
> 5 years of working for Lovino was the span of time that Alfred spent rushing through college like a rocket with dozens of short term, horribly unsuccessful relationships along the way.

"Alfred! Come out here for dinner!"

I shook away the sleep after my routine after school nap. College applications were something I would have to worry about soon, but sleep, in my opinion, was always more important. Except for when it came to food.

In the dining room of our humble home was Matt and Dad. Dad was sitting angrily in front of fastfood bags. Smoke came out from the kitchen behind him. It was just a normal day.

"Is Pops working late again?" I sat down and Dad threw one of the bags in front of me.

"No actually. He'll be home very soon." He furrowed his abnormally huge, misshapen eyebrows. I tore open the greasy bag and got to eating. 

Dad and Matt were such antisocial people, even with their own family. They were looking lucky to have me there to break any awkward silences.

"There's a party someone's throwing this weekend. I think I should try going this time. Could be a good time."

"I don't care, Alfred."

It stung every time he did this. I had an interest in something, Dad shot it down. Kids want their parents-- no. People want to be listened to by people they care about. 

"Okay, how 'bout this? There's this guy in my trig class, I think he's on the track team, and he's been _real_ friendly with me recently. I was thinking about asking him out."

Both of them looked at me as if I were a madman. 

"Alfred... I know I haven't talked to you about this before, but you can't go about homosexual relationships the same way you do with straight ones. You have to be a little more cautious. So uh... you've decided that you are more into men now, is that it?"

"Nah I still like girls. I could kinda go either way really." I continued to stuff my face with fries by the handful.

He suddenly seemed ticked with me.

"Then stick to women."

"What if I wanna try dating a guy?"

"Alfred, if you want to make it easier on yourself, don't waste your time on experimenting."

"I think I'll ask him out." I smirked at him and his big grumpy face.

"Don't you do it, young man! You don't understand how hard it is!"

"I think I'll be understanding how hard some dicks can feel real soon." I teased. His frustration was amusing.

"Watch your mouth! You're not gay, Alfred. So don't try to be. I won't have it."

"You didn't say that when Matt came out last year. Why's it different for me?" I finally started to raise my voice. It was true, though. It wasn't fair.

"Because it's different, Alfred."

"That's not an answer!"

"Matthew doesn't have a choice, Alfred, and you do! Another thing, Matthew knows how to keep a secret!" 

And now I was just confused.

"What does that have to do with anything? If I like a guy, I'm gonna go for it. Why is that a problem?"

"Just don't try it."

"If you have such a problem with it, I think I'll kiss the first guy I run into at that party. I'll be the gayest gay there is!"

"Don't!"

"You're with a man! Like what the hell? I thought only kids with homophobic parents did this!"

"You don't know, Alfred! You're only going to get yourself hurt!"

"You can't stop me, _Dad_."

He snorted and looked around the room to find the words to convince me of otherwise, but found none.

"Go to your room."

So I stormed off and slammed my door. How could he tell me how to live my life? How could he tell me not to go for guys if I want to _when he's with a guy himself_?

I was going to do it. I didn't care what happened as a result. I would kiss a guy first chance I got. Hopefully rumors would spread around the school about me coming out. That would show him. If I have the liberty as a bisexual to love whoever I want, I would damn well take that liberty.

I spent more time brooding in my room. Sometime later, I heard Pops call out from around the front door. He must've just got got.

"Mon Amour! Your prince is here!"

"Your son is being a brat, frog." He snapped.

"Hey now, this prince has never seen froggy form. I don't know where you get these things from."

"Did you miss what I said? Your son is being a little dickbag rebel again. You deal with him." 

"What did he do this time?"

"Why don't you ask him?"

Of course he didn't need to say my name for Pops to know it was me. Matt was better than that. Never fought with Dad, never got into trouble at school... I was a natural born rebel. It was a burden that I hadn't the first clue how to properly deal with.

I attempted to look casual, sitting on my bed, as I heard the clicks of his shoes coming toward my bedroom door.

He shut the door behind him before speaking, slowly.

"What's got you worked up now, little one?"

"Pops, I'm not little anymore. I'm seventeen."

"Yes, well you'll always be little to me, no matter how much bigger than us you get."

"I wish you wouldn't. Just because I'm young, nobody takes me seriously. I thought he of all people would understand."

"What doesn't he get?"

"I told him that I wanted to ask this one guy out, and he was fine up until I told him I still liked chicks." I avoided looking him in the eye, or at his wispy blond hair, or at his thin stubble. I avoided looking at him all together, let's say.

"Ahh. I see. You should've came to me first, with this one."

"Yeah? Why do you say that?"

"You know that you are my son, right? My blood. You and Matt. You're mine."

"Yeah, sure, but I don't get-"

"I was with a woman before Arthur. She was a beautiful woman. I was lucky he came into the picture and claimed you two as his own after... well you know what happened."

"...myeah..." I mumbled plaintively. It was never fun to talk about how whoever my mother was was out of the picture. As far as I was concerned, I never knew her, so she wasn't all that important. Dad and Papa Francis are important.

"What I'm saying is, Alfred, is that I understand. Men and woman alike are beautiful creatures. Arthur doesn't have the choice that we do. He's had to deal with a lot in his life. He doesn't want you to put yourself through the same. Not if you don't have to. You understand, don't you?"

"Maybe... I just don't want him to disapprove if I end up falling in love with a guy. Even if he's not really my biological dad, I feel like he is. As much as I hate that it does, his opinion matters to me."

"Come here, you little trouble maker." He gave me a half hug and messed up my hair a little. "Don't worry too much. I'm sure if the right guy comes along, Arthur won't have a problem with it. Just don't get yourself hurt, you hear me?"

"I got it."

I was determined that one day, I would find a guy so perfect he wouldn't be able to disapprove. For right now though, the mission was to rebel. 

•••

"You look far too happy for a guy with a black eye."

"You don't understand, man! This is what a real thrill feels like. My dad's pissed at me. It's great."

"That doesn't sound very gleat to me." He coughed. "Great to me," He corrected.

My best buddy Kiks came from Japan when he was around ten. He was still working on trying to correct his accent. I didn't really understand why, though. His accent was hilarious. I guessed it was because he was the kind of guy that liked to be taken more seriously.

"Well it doesn't really matter. Word gets around enough and he'll see how serious I am. I know what I'm doing." A little hint; I didn't know what I was doing.

"You've at least noticed that people have been... acting different, since you..."

"Yeah, yeah, people at school are freaked out by what I did at the party, but whatever! Maybe our other friends won't brohug me anymore, but it's okay cuz Matt let me cry on him for a little while last night. I'm all hugged out."

Liz walked up to our table, less bouncy than normal. She already told me she couldn't stand seeing me getting myself hurt for something like this.

"Here you go, boys," she place the little black book with our bill on the table. "...Be careful, Alfred. This may be a new world, but... just remember you're still young."

At the time, that made me angry. But she was right. And only if I waited a little bit longer, there would be so much less damage. When I was in high school the whole equal marriage law wasn't a thing. A state here allowed it, a state there allowed it...

If gays were in a relationship in school, they hid it, and hid it well. Now, not even that much time has passed and I saw two young girls exchange a kiss in the middle of the hall. How can a teacher even think to send something so beautiful to the office for PDA?

"So how we splitting this?" I asked as he opened the check.

"I'll pay."

"Really?"

He nodded.

I was beginning to think he felt bad for me, but it's not like he hasn't insisted on paying for me before. He was simply an amazing man.

On our way out, I grabbed his shoulder to halt him just as we got outside. You could see the tall, beautiful buildings of NYC in the far distance.

"There. That's where I'm going. Pretty soon I'm gonna be livin' the big life. Perfect job, perfect lover, perfect home. It'll be so fast you won't see it coming."

"I think you're a ritrre impatient."

So what if I was? I don't regret a thing. Certainly not now. I'm on my way.


	15. Dear Diary

The mall we arrived at was at least three stories with wide open space. He was the only thing to guide me as I observed every corner, every window, trying to it all in. Instead of by my limp hands, he pulled me along by my wrist.

The mall, unlike the streets outside, were high class and lavish. Extravagant store displays with trendy outfits beckoned for an audience and yet everyone around seemed to pass by without a second thought.

Seemingly not noticing anything that stood out to him, Alfred marched on. 

There was a busy food court area housing a compact version of just about every fastfood place known to man plus some. Alfred bought something called a pretzel dog and offered me some, to which I refused. We continued to walk until we got to the very end of of what I thought to be infinite clothing and candle shops, to a circle of even more stores, one being a massage place, that quickly drew my attention, and escalators in the middle.

"You want to look around on the second floor? Maybe there's--"

He was cut off by the cries of a little girl no more than four. Alfred, the big buffoon that he is, came running to the rescue.

While I walked up to see the blue eyed brunette in the light green dress calmly, he was already on one knee spouting off questions. By her bawling, it was clear that he wasn't getting through. I thought I'd try my hand at it and sat on my knees next to him. Having zero experience with children, I simply went with my instincts and made the gentle shushing sounds that I dreamed of hearing from the mother I never knew. Though now this was not about me. It was about the girl that stared wide eyed at me, tears still dripping from her chin.

I looked at Alfred expectantly and panicky. What do you do in a situation like this?

"Uhh... hey! Why are you so upset? Are you okay?" He coughed.

"I can't find Mommy." She sniffled and rubbed her red cheeks.

"Where'd you see her last?" He asked in a whimsical manner.

"Umm... it was at the store with the pink sign."

We looked at each other with cocked eyebrows. Nope, he didn't know where to start either.

"Anything else you remember? What was your mom shopping for?"

"Well uh... Mommy calls it 'Mommy clothes'!"

"What do you call it?"

"Undies."

The realization hit us both visibly. I let him continue to do the talking.

"We know where that is! We'll help you find your mom, okay?"

She nodded and smiled, taking his hand as he offered to help her up and kept hold of it as we began to walk back from where we came.

After only a dozen or so steps she reached pleadingly to my free hand with her own. Out of fear of the consequences of rejecting the already lost child's plea, I begrudgingly took her outstretched hand.

She giggled and swung our arms along with her steps. He looked down at her with the glint that every parent seems to have in their eyes when they see the face of their first born child. So Alfred likes kids. That wouldn't be a hard thing to guess.

While passing to the still very crowded food court, heads turned to us. The same kind of looks as before we walked in were what they showed, only more extreme.

"You know what they're thinking, right?" He snorted a laugh.

A corner of my mouth that I couldn't manage to restrain curled up into a half smile. Of course I knew what they were thinking. They thought we were a family. That Alfred and I were raising this little girl together. It was a ridiculous thought, so the fact that it was what all of these people were assuming was a little funny.

The little girl continued to bounce in between us, purposefully hopping over every crack in the tile.

I was just starting to get used to the dopey, loving look on his face, and the feel of that tiny hand in mine, until suddenly it was all ripped away. To calls of her name coming from a woman's mouth, the girl ran until she was engulfed with hugs and kisses. Alfred continued on to greet the woman, while I was stunned, immobilized, like I'd just been shaken from a dream. A good one, I mean.

"Oh Libby! Thank you so much. I didn't know what to do!"

"It's not a problem, Miss. It's a pleasure, actually. Your girl's a real sweetheart."

"I'm just... I don't know what to say. Libby, say thank you."

She stopped dancing around her mother's feet to babble a thank you to Alfred. She then stared at me in my safe distance in uncertainty.

"Thank you... uhh..." 

"That's Lovino! And I'm Alfred. Don't be afraid to ask us for help if you ever get lost again."

The woman thanked him again and gave him a peck on the cheek. My eyebrow twitched and my face locked into an even bigger scowl than normal.

"Okay..."

Her mother took her hand and headed away from us. The girl walked slowly, looking back at me until they were out of sight.

"Hey, are you okay?" He said as he rubbed at the place she had kissed with the back of his wrist.

I was fairly sure that if I actually tried to respond, it would come out as a sob. I shook my head and waved my hand signaling that nothing was wrong, though the slug in my throat would say otherwise.

~~~

After far too long of him being dead silent and the both of us walking past stores aimlessly, my eye caught a store displaying shirts that set my heart aflutter. I dragged him inside to notice only then that it was a skater shop. I'm no skater, but that doesn't mean I can't start dressing like one.

I mean look at this stuff! Alien shirts, rebel shirts, illuminati shirts-- it's like a wet dream. This one would be perfect for him... and this one and this one...

I had a piling tower of these shirts in my arms along with some metallic gold converse in what he told his size was. I knew they would look much better on him than they would on me.

He held up a single shirt-- red and blue with white lettering of the number fifty.

I lugged everything I had into a fitting room. We were lucky that the employees were all distracted with a woman trying to buy a skateboard for her twelve year old son. We went completely unnoticed. Once I put the pile down onto a small plastic chair in the corner, I noticed he locked the door behind us, practically with steam coming out of his ears and flaming red cheeks.

I waited for him to yell at me, but he stayed silent. I approached him cautiously with the illuminati shirt. Afraid to touch him, but craving to see him in a shirt like this one, I lifted his shirt up from the bottom, slowly. Our eyes locked until I had the grey shirt over him. It looked about three sizes too big. He looked down and began to tuck it, but I butted in with helping hands.

"Tuck it like this," leaving the back untucked, and then tucking only part of the front from the side up to the button of his jeans, where my hands awkwardly lingered. "That's how the kids do it!"

"I thought this was supposed to be for you." He near whispered.

"It looks better on you." He looked at me displeased and turned to the wall mirror.

"I look like a typical American teenage dickbag."

"Hey, that's what my dad used to call me!" I felt a twinge in my stomach, but forced a bright smile.

"Well... I suppose I owe it to you. I'll get it." He turned to me, anger faded and eyebrows upturned. "I'm... I'm s... I'm sorrrry," he coughed as he forced the words out.

"Sorry? For what?" His nose flared. He huffed a few times like a raging bull, dropping the shirt he held in a tantrum. "What's this?"

I changed into the shirt. It looked more me than any shirt in the store, featuring my favorite colors and favorite number all in one. But when I put it on, it was snug, clinging to the shape of my torso, stretching at the flex of my biceps.

Mouth gaped, he pressed himself up against me. I allowed him to corner me against the wall. One hand rubbing my pecks where the shirt clung to it, the other going up to rub ever so gently over my bruised eye, little enough to not hurt, though I still flinched under the touch.

Suddenly he punch the wall behind me, _hard_. Not enough to put any sort of dent in the wall, but certainly enough to hurt himself. I grabbed ahold of his arms as he swung back to do it again. With nothing left to do, the tears overflowed from his angry eyes and allowed himself to sob into my chest when I wrapped my arms around him.

Once the shirt was soaked and he was silent, I spoke quiet to ensure no one else could listen in if they tried.

"Don't feel bad about my eye. It was an accident. It'll heal up quick and then we won't even think about it." He said nothing. "If it's something else you're upset about, I'm not going to figure it out on my own, so... could you tell me?" I would say it and I would say it, crossing my toes that I wasn't missing something important and obvious, because it was totally possible. 

He pulled my head down to bring our lips together, slowly, softly, sensually. I quickly lost my balance, falling into the chair and toppling the pile of clothes onto the floor in a thump. He fell into my lap, refusing to break our lips, fingers wandering underneath the waistband of my boxers until...

Something snapped in him. He got up, wobbly, like a newborn fawn, and grabbed the pile of clothes from off the floor.

"I'll meet you at the checkout. You're helping me carry all this shit home."

"Wait, you're getting all of this?"

But he was already heading out.

I sat there, thoroughly confused and slightly aroused.

I'm going to try to remain optimistic about this relationship, but he's really making this difficult. Whatever happened with his last relationship must be worse than I thought. I'll have to meet this Antonio guy.

~~~

Trying to pull your head together when there's a million thoughts going on at once is impossible. I try to think of what exactly I want or what my body wants or what I'm trying to do but all I come up with is static. Contradiction, contradiction, it's all I know how to do.

How does it all work? How do I know if this is what love really feels like or if I'm just confused? My chest and my head ache.

At least there's no hard decisions to make. Staying away from him isn't an option. Even after all my lunatic behavior he still willingly follows me home, so he couldn't be mad at me for it. On top of that, the thought of sending him back to his own place tonight hurt my head and chest more, because I'd be sleeping in a cold empty bed once again.

I had a whole new wardrobe. The original goal of making him more fashionable was a failed attempt. And I didn't care. Alfred would never look right in dress pants and formal shirts. And then there's me, in all of these alien shirts. It made me look like a total tool, and how could anything be more appropriate? Shouldn't a tool dress like a tool? It just took me far too long to realize.

He even was so nice to help me rearrange my closet. That is, until my broken-ass phone rang.

"What the hell do you want?"

_"Hey big bro! I was calling to see if you were okay. I stopped by this morning and you weren't at the apartment. Oh! Were you having a little sleepover with Alfred?"_

"Stop it with this already, Feliciano! This shouldn't be any of your concern, okay?" I growled through my teeth.

_"But Luddy was worried, too! He said that Alfred wasn't responding to any of his emails!"_

_"That's right."_ The big German bastard's voice chimed in. _"If Alfred is there, I ask you to tell him to check his emails. It's getting very close to the end of the school year. We've got a lot of work to do."_

"I don't care how much work you have to do, I just want one fucking day where none of you assholes interrupts my damn peace and quiet! Leave us the fuck alone!"

_"Us? So he is there. Could you give him the phone, please? I have some things to discuss with him."_

"Discuss _this_ you piece of shit!" I swung my arm down in order to slam my phone onto the ground, and Alfred scooped it out of my hand before I could break it. I sat on my bed and pouted while he had a normal professional chat about high school finals. If I was honest, I didn't know that's what he did. He already knew the fucker Feliciano was getting married to. It seemed like everyone already knew everyone already, except for me. Everyone has all of these connections and I'm just trying to wake up in the morning without doing anything too brash that might end up getting me shot. You never know what might happen in the city.

He got off the phone and trapped me in a hug. 

"Why are you doing this? Why haven't you left yet? Can't you tell I'm just a fucking lunatic already?"

"Are you kidding?" He pulled back to look me in the eyes. "You're the best thing that's happened to me-- ever, I think," he laughed, "it's because you're the only one who doesn't treat me like I'm a little kid."

"Why would anyone treat you like a child? The way you handle yourself is so... respectable. And I'm just a wreck..."

He tackled me to the bed and nuzzled my neck, pecking kisses on my chin.

"Oh my god, I love you so much."

"I don't understand..."

"But you do understand! You understand everything that everyone doesn't understand and you see what everyone else refuses to see because they're too busy telling be how much of an idiot I am and am I even making any sense anymore?"

"Hell if I know."

Even if I didn't understand why, or he did understand why, we wanted to have each other's company.

"Get up."

"But I don't want to..." he whined.

"I've got something to give to you."

He reluctantly let me off the bed so I could retrieve what I then put in his hand.

"That was Feli's key. It's yours now."

His face lit up like a fucking Christmas tree.

"That means I can move in?"

"Uh... well..."

"Yes! I'm gonna go get some of my stuff! I'll get the big stuff later so I won't have to worry about luggin' it in. I'll be back in a little!" 

And he bolted.

I yawned. Days as of late have been far too eventful for me to hold onto any energy. I'd just take a quick nap until he got back...

~~~

Giddy with excitement, I rushed back to my room, in the old apartment that I hated, to pack a suitcase.

What all would I need? Let's see...

I got t-shirts, work clothes, jeans, socks, my laptop...

Underwear! I still needed underwear. I shoved a hand into my underwear drawer in order to grab a handful, but hit my hand on something hard underneath.

"What the fuck?"

I pulled out a black notebook covered in bird and grunge rock looking stickers.

Footsteps came down the hallway towards my room. I shoved the notebook in the suitcase to hide it.

"Hey! Look who's home! Lovino's new bitch. And here he is, on his knees where he belongs."

"Shut the hell up, Gil."

"Aw, you know, I never realized how much you and him had in common. You both know how beneath everyone you are, and yet whenever someone points it out you get so pissy. I always thought that we could really be buddies, Alfred. I don't know where it all went wrong."

" _Really?_ " I said sarcastically, continuing to pack. Gil had never spoken to me this way before Lovino. It was nothing more that playful teasing. What happened between us?

"We have more in common than you think! There was almost something between Lovino and I, really. The timing was just bad. I still think we could be friends, even. Just try not to think about me and your brother, for just a second."

"I wish I could." You could probably see the nightmares if you had a look into my eyes.

"Where you goin', anyway?"

"I'm staying with him from now on. I'll get out of you guys' hair."

"How considerate of you." He said in lackluster tone.

I hummed back in response, zipping up my suitcase.

"Oh yeah. Take this with you." He let the bag of _goodies_ fall to the floor with a thud. "I hope you don't mind that I took a look through them."

"You know what, why don't you hang onto them? I'm feeling generous." 

"Nah, I'm good. I have my own toys." And he left.

I had a peek into the bag. Why would a couple even need all these things? I took out what looked to be a rather small vibrator. It startled me when I flicked the switch, the vibrations rapid and violent.

Maybe I'd take them back. And maybe we'd even use them. Not for what you're thinking about, you perv! They could be fun in other ways, just like condoms make great balloons. Finally, some real fun. The way I act sometimes, it's easier to see why people treat me like a kid.

~~~

_"What do you think of this, fratello? Do you think I messed up his nose?"_

_"No, Feliciano, it looks just like his ugly fucking face."_

_"Be nice! I don't understand. Luddy's been nothing but polite to you. I'm just trying to get some... constructive criticism! Come on, look at it! For me?"_

_"It looks perfect, okay?! It's brilliant! You're better than me in every way! I know it, you know it, Grandpa knows it... Everything works so perfectly for you. I have nothing..."_

_"Lovino..."_

~~~

Overcome by curiosity, and simply looking for something to do while Lov dreamt away on the couch, I sat on the floor with my suitcase open, black notebook in hand.

I opened it up to find it was a diary. The first entry was dated as around three and a half years ago.

_Dear Awesome Diary,_  
_You have the honor of being the sixth diary of me, Gilbert Awesome Beilschmidt. I will now get onto telling you about my awesome and exciting life._

_Today, my little brother's littler boyfriend was throwing a one year anniversary party for the two of them. And could you guess? He threw it because he wanted to meet me. Feliciano is so cute, I used to think it was a shame that Luddy swooped him up._

_Now things were a little different. I got to meet Feliciano's brother. The luck that I have! Like shit! He sat in the corner the whole time flipping his bangs and fixing his eyebrows like he knew I was watching him. I asked Feli for his number. Easiest digits I ever got._

_When I gave him flirty texts, he called me a creep and a couple of other bad names. It was a extremely melodramatic. It's not like I sent him an unsolicited dick pic or anything._

_He's nothing like Feli. Feli is adorable. This guy is just hot. He just casually always acts like a model and pouts his lips like he wants it._

_He's obviously just the kind of guy that likes to play hard to get. But I can play._

_Oh, I can play._

I shuffled through the pages. I'd have to skip some pages, because this is just too much. Who knew big guy Gilbert would keep a pansy-ass diary for so long. Also, why the fuck did I find this in my underwear drawer?

_Dear Diary,_  
_I got laid off today. Total bullshit. Luddy's going to get on me again if I don't find another job soon._

_Things haven't been all bad though. I'm making major progress on Lovino. My persistence is actually paying off! He's been texting back more and more, mostly to insult me, but someday soon, he'll come over to tell me off in person. Hate sex is so hot._

_Dear Awesome Diary,_  
_So I found out that Lovino and Tonio are a thing, and have been for awhile. It totally screwed up my plans._

_He asked me for advice on some things Lovino might like gift wise. I had a plethora of ideas for him. Believe it or not, he actually listened to me._

_Now I've known Antonio for a long, long time, so of course I knew he was an idiot, but I honestly surprised when he even bought a specific vibrator that I pointed out to him. The couple that apparently everyone though was so cute and perfect was the biggest mess I've ever heard of._

_At the very least, I know it's a win-win situation for me. Either somehow Antonio gets lucky with this and thanks me for being such an amazing friend, or Lovino becomes single and I get an actual chance._

These were still dated back so long ago. I attempted to piece together this story in my head, but all I could come up with is a bunch of mush. Maybe I should look at some more recent entries? I flipped past a large chunk of pages and read a random page. This one dated back less than a year ago.

_Dear Mega-Awesome Diary,_  
_Thanks to my encouragement, Luddy manned up and proposed to his perfect little ball of sunshine. I couldn't be happier for them. Only I'm still single._

_I don't want to say I'm getting desperate, because I'm definitely not! It just sucks. I haven't gotten laid in forever._

_I fill up my time spent on my little brother couch by texting Lovi and letting my mind wander._

_I think about tying him to his own bed, blindfolded, in nothing but panties and a short puffy skirt of my own selection. No gag, because I'd want to hear him moan through gritted teeth when I--_

Nope nope nope. Not okay. Let's skip some more. I want to get closer to now.

_Dear Not-So-Awesome Diary,_  
_Luddy's kicking me out. Antonio and Lovino are still together and still not having any actual fun. And I'm still single. Things couldn't be any worse._

_I signed up for this weird tv show just in the hope that I could find some temporary relief. I'd like a stable relationship. I've just never tried it. I can't imagine anyone could find something like that on a show called something as stupid as "Love At First Kiss", but at this point, I guess I'll just give it a shot._

Yawn. Skip skip. Blah blah blah.

_Dear Diary,_  
_Matt is the love of my life._

_I never thought I'd find someone who made me so much... better. I didn't even know that was possible!_

_I got back into cleaning. I forgot how much I loved to cook. I feel like I have an actual purpose now besides sitting on Luddy's couch looking pretty._

_Mattie's brother lives with him, which I thought would be annoying, but he's so easy to mess with it's almost sad._

Okay, Gil, fine. I get it. If there was ever a chance that we'd be friends, it was probably gone by the time a smashed a donut into my pillow with my face.

_Dear Diary,_  
_Antonio got dumped and I'm not sure if he's in denial, or if it's his way of coping or... man I don't know. Fact is, Lovino's a real thorn in my side._

_He rejects me, he makes Tonio upset, and I can't get myself to stop texting him. I don't know what it is._

_Sex with Mattie is great. It's just not... crazy._

_My mind wanders and I fantasize about the things I would do to him if I could. Lovi needs punishment for being so disobedient to his poor, sweet boss._

_Just to be safe, I think I'm going to start hiding you at the bottom of Alfred's underwear drawer. Matt would never find you there. I mean, who would ever go looking through Alfred's heart pattern or American flag boxers? Gott, what a loser._

I think about how everyone sees me so differently. People see me as rebellious and disrespectful, or as obnoxious, maybe pitiful, or even a _loser_. And at a point I almost came to think that these people were right. What was that word Lov used? Respectable? 

A drip splattered onto that page, which I realized then came from my own eye, the one that wasn't purple. I slapped myself on the forehead a few times. Fuck, I'm such a wuss.

If two misjudged people came together from different worlds and saw a common ground, I wondered if love at first kiss was really possible. Even if it one hundred percent wasn't, maybe it wasn't love at first kiss. It certainly doesn't need to be. All I wanted originally was a relationship that lasted longer than a week, and I got so much more than I asked for.

Anyway, back to reading! I didn't really want to keep reading. Knowing what's been going on in Gilbert's head for even longer than the month and a half or so that I've known him was really fucking me up. My curiosity always got the better of me. 

_Dear Diary,_  
_WTF. Alfred's been going on and on about this guy he met who he's convinced is his soulmate or some shit and then I find out it's Lovino? If the things he's saying are true, which I guess they are, because I don't know how the hell else he got ahold of Lovino's phone, then that little Italian's got worse taste than I thought. Potatoes and sausage and beer is disgusting, he says. Nothing but the news and the cooking channel. And then Alfred. Now I can't say Alfred's bad looking, because that would be a lie, but..._

_It just doesn't make sense. Alfred and Lovino? It doesn't even sound right! What could they have in common besides the fact that they're both massive jerks to me?_

_Alfred squeals about how "he's super into him". I find it hard to believe, but again, if what he's saying is at all true, there's a couple of questions that arise._

_What does Alfred have that I don't other than mashed potato brains? Does Lovino actually think that anyone would cater to him more than Antonio had? What I really wanted to know is, how long before Alfred inevitably breaks down because of another failed relationship?_

_Dear Diary,_  
_That gay club that opened up downtown is still something I'm looking forward to. I invited everyone I wanted to. Except Tonio, I mean, I invited him, but he said he was too busy, which is a real shame. He's been so tense lately! And he's starting to sound like my brother._

_Hopefully it'll still be a good time without the whole gang being together. Best case scenario, Mattie and Lovi get drunk enough that we can sneak away and have a little threesome. That would make things feel better._

No it wouldn't, Gilbert. It's starting to feel like he wrote these with the intention of me finding it. The snoring ball to the left of me is mentioned on every damn page at least once. If only I knew one of the funniest and most complex of people was so close. It's strange to think that there's a possibility that even without that stupid show, we might've met anyway. I wonder how things would be if it went like that. It was hurting my head.

Only one more entry. This one was yesterday's.

_Dear Awesome Diary,_  
_I've created another delightful situation with two equally awesome outcomes. Antonio's been getting dangerously close to going under and came to the awesome me for advice again._

_I convinced him that assigning uniforms would keep his workers in line. One specific one being a sexy secretary uniform for Lovi._

_First scenario, a simple brush of the leg or the similar turns into hot, sweaty sex on the boss's desk. Antonio and Lovino get back together, and he thanks me for being such an amazing friend. The Alfred-Lovino mismatch crisis 2016 is solved._

_Another outcome, the outfit stirs Lovi past his boiling point and Antonio finally cuts the costs and lets him go. Then, as Luddy explained to me, Lovino's Opa might come to drag him back home to Italy by the hair for being such a screw up. Alfred's temporary happiness gets an early crushing._

This was then followed by crude doodles of devils surrounding what I assumed was me, with x's over my eyes. 

"What are you reading?" Still on his side, he looked at me with a blank face, wide awake. 

"Just garbage."

I reached for the hand he didn't have trapped underneath him and interlocked our fingers. His hand heavily scarred from burns and tanned in his natural complexion, clashing with my pale skin with a single, probably permanent scar on one of my fingers that I got from writing too many timed essays. It was this part of the mismatch that I think I found the most entrancing.

He broke the moment and my hold when he got up.

"I'm gonna go get some wine. Want any?"

"No thanks. I don't really drink."

He stopped in his tracks to look back at me.

"You're such a loser."

I felt a pang in my chest at the familiar word.

"You really think I'm a loser?"

"Of course you are." When he saw my bothered expression, he continued while he poured himself a drink. "Hey, if being a loser means you don't drink, you're not into drugs, that you've got a stable job, a family that loves you, and a boyfriend that's counting on you, I'd say being a loser is pretty damn desirable."

"You're being serious?"

"And sexy." He nodded, back turned to me.

I'm rebellious, obnoxious, at times maybe disrespectful, and a total loser.

But I have the best boyfriend ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before anyone questions the use of the year, yes that's when this is set. Everyone's favorite nightmare year. Did you know I had two family members pass away in 2016? 
> 
> Haha.. why would you? It's not like you know me irl or anything. *shifts nervously* Except for the couple of you that do know me.


	16. Buttinsky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is called Buttinsky. No, not like Butt in sky. It's a real word! Look it up!
> 
> So so many chapters to go...

I woke up to the light chiming sounds of my cell alarm. I hit snooze once, enjoying the warmth of the body that cuddled into me, half on top of me even. His dark bangs shielded his sleeping eyes from me. The soft ringing of the second alarm wasn't enough to stir him. I, however, was wide awake.

I whispered that I had to get up, scooting my way out from underneath him. He growled and felt around his large, now empty bed.

I took a quick shower and got dressed up like normal, only it felt so much better, like that child sized room of mine was my cell in a short term prison sentence.

In the kitchen I found Lovino face down on the table next to glass of wine.

"Why aren't you in bed?"

"It was cold. I couldn't get comfortable."

I smiled timidly knowing that I was the cause of it.

"Wine this early?"

"I ran out of coffee." He grumbled into the table.

I could really use some coffee, too. Dang.

His head shot up revealing his half lidded eyes.

"I'm getting a shower. I hate going into work with wet hair."

"D'ya ever blow dry it?"

"No screw that."

We'll if that's the way he wants to do it, I guess.

I browsed through the selection of songs on my phone to kill time before I had to leave. Let's see...

Trndsttr by Black Coast, Big Dipper by The Cataracs, Cookie Jar by Gym Class Heros...

Hmm. I've heard them all so many times. Maybe a needed to download some new stuff.

I scrolled and scrolled and found nothing of interest. Before I knew it it was time for me to head out.

Then the bathroom door burst open, a towel wrapped firmly around his waist and steam rushing to escape from behind him.

"Hey! I have to go, so uh... Hug?"

"I'm wet."

"It's okay." I said, already striding towards him.

I engulfed him in an embrace. He half hugged me back, keeping one arm on the towel as it started to slip. I enjoyed the heated slickness of his skin and the fresh scent until it was time to pull away, with the whole front of me being soaked.

He always gave me that look now, it seemed. A slight frown, wide eyes, looking as if he was just waiting to see what I would do next. He was so gorgeous. I pushed my glasses up on the bridge of my nose clumsily.

"I'm worried you might get stolen from me. What if a super attractive gay milkman or something came along with you looking like this?"

He squinted at me.

"Where the fuck did that come from? _Gay milkman?_ When were milkmen even a thing? Like the 50s'?"

"50s' and 60s', yeah. It's just... I don't know what to expect anymore. I feel like with all that's been happening... _anything_ could be next."

He shook his head.

"If the most attractive man on the planet fucking drugged and kidnapped me I'd still find my way back here...though with my luck, it'd probably be someone fat and ugly. Or _albino_ ," he grumble and then blushed red, averted his eyes from mine. "There's no competition." He fiddled with my bow tie with his free hand.

"Elaborate a little for me?" I smirked, searching for whatever it was that he saw in me that made me so appealing, so I could smother him with it.

"How about we talk later? Don't you have to leave?"

I took a quick glance at the clock on my phone.

"Shit! I do." I gave him a quick peck on his wet cheek. He flinched in irritation at it. I grabbed the satchel I put together, containing my laptop and a few important papers. "I hope I didn't forget anything. Bye-ya!"

So much to do, so little time.

~~~

Not five minutes after Alfred left the apartment, and me only being half dressed, there was a hard knock at the door. I rushed to answer it, failing to check before swinging the thing open.

"Okay, what did you forg--woah."

"Look at that! He smiles! I thought I'd never see the day. You should do it more."

I was entirely puzzled by the picture in front of me. The albino that just couldn't seem to stay away, dressed in all white, including a strange white hat, like he was in some sort of uniform. What was it that he held under his arm? Was that... milk?

"What in the fuck is on your body?"

"You mean this?" He makes a couple of poses to show off. "Well, what does it look like? I'm the gay milkman!"

I was completely dumbfounded.

"Hmm. I guess I'm going to have to explain this to you, huh?"

I blinked.

"Well Alfred made a post on his blog last night. He talks about how he's afraid that his boyfriend might get stolen away from him. What if a gay milkman knocked on the door and swooped him off his feet? Just look at it!"

He handed me his phone. The screen displayed a Tumblr blog titled _tummyaddict_.

"He mostly reblogs Marvel and DC junk and pictures of Dwayne The Rock Johnson."

"Okay? Why are you here?"

He smiled smugly.

"Mattie said he needed some space for today, and I thought what more fun a way would there be than spending that time hanging with my two wonderful buddies that caused this mess? So here I am, all dressed up and _ready to steal yo girl_. It would be funny if you got in that cow outfit you have and we took a picture together and then sent it to Alfred. I could imagine the look on his face!"

I slammed the phone violently onto my wood floor.

"What the hell!" He picked it up from between my bare feet. "You're lucky my phone is indestructible!"

I attempted to slam the door on him, but he wedged his foot in at the last second.

"Hey, wait a minute! I need in there!"

"I am _not_ letting you in here."

"But I'm pretty sure one of you stole something from me! Let me look!"

"No!" We both pushed from either side of the door. Even with all of my body weight pushed up against it, he was still able to knock me back and let himself in.

He sat the milk bottles on the counter and began searching through drawers in my kitchen.

"Get the fuck out of here! What are you even looking for?"

"This!"

He pulled a black notebook out of my trash, cradling it like mother would a child.

"Okay. You got what you wanted, whatever _that_ is. Can you leave now?"

"Like I said, I'm hanging out with you today."

"Go hang out with Feli. He's _always_ home, you know, because he's a fucking painter? He doesn't do anything else all day. Bug him. He'd be happy to see you."

"That's no way to get revenge. Besides, I'm already here! You're not getting rid of me now!"

"I'm going to work in forty minutes!" I sputtered, unknowing of any both legal and efficient ways of getting rid him.

"Perfect."

~~~

I walked into the wide open doors of the school building, with what should be plenty of time before any classes start. I gave a wave to my favorite Chinese policeman who stood against the wall just inside, doing his job to protect the kids at our humble high school.

"Heya Officer Dong!"

"It's still Officer Wang, Mr. Jones."

"Shit, I'm sorry. I'll get it next time!"

"That's what you said last week, Mr. Jones."

I cursed myself out under my breath as I made my way up to my classroom. I must seem like a total dick to him. Almost a whole school year and I can't even take the time to learn the guy's name, or take two seconds to look at his name tag before making an ignorant racist remark.

Like any other day, I put my stuff down and peeked my head to the connecting classroom to greet the best German teacher/Vice Principal there was. 

"Yo Lud, How big yo dick?"

"What?" He scrunched up his face in confusion, but not enough to grab his attention and get his eyes away from his computer screen.

"I said, how big yo dick?"

"Isn't that rather personal information?"

"How big dat dick though?"

"I would bet a number equal to your student loans that it's bigger than yours."

I gasped.

"Thanks for the shade, Lud, but I was actually just trying to say hi."

"Oh. Well. Hello. Does that suffice?"

Feeling defeated and slightly offended (maybe I need to get off of Tumblr), I searched for a change of subject on his desk, and there I saw coffee.

"Aw man, you got coffee? I wish I had--"

He cut me off by sticking another coffee cup in front of my face.

"This is for you."

"Aw really?"

"You think I wouldn't with how much you complained last time?"

"Thanks, Lud! You're the best!" I gave him a side hug that shook his outstretched hand.

"Careful. You almost had me spill it."

"I got it!" I took the steamy cup and took the shortcut back to my room.

He never even once looked at me. Which was probably good. I wasn't really in the mood to explain the whole black eye incident and get another lecture.

There was around fifteen minutes before any kids would show up, so I really need to prepare. I started up my laptop to print out the document I had expertly made as a final review prior to the weekend. It wasn't the most complicated of things. Since it was just my first year, I got a schedule full of the kids with the worse grades and permanent records in the school. I didn't mind. They were closer to the kind of people I knew from high school. Bad mouths.

Heading out to the hall to retrieve all I had printed, I didn't notice the towering fellow faculty member standing just outside my door, slamming into him and spilling half of my hot, sugary coffee on the both of us.

"Oh, whoops. You good, man? Mr. Braginsky, right?"

He smiled that ominous smile that sent chills down my spine. His long, white lab coat stained an ugly and obvious brown.

"It's alright, Alfred. No need to be so formal. We are friends, da?" His accent was heavy to the point of just being hard to understand. 

"I guess so? I don't really know much about you. Just that you've been trying to poison me in the least subtle ways since like my second week."

"Great! I have another serum I'd like for you to test for me!" He held up a flask containing a fluorescent light blue liquid.

"What's in it?" I said curiously.

"Dihydrogen monoxide, sodium hypochlorite, and more than a lethal dose of cyanide."

"Hmm. I don't know what those words mean, but I think I'll pass on this one."

"That's too bad."

"Could I get by? I really have to--"

"By any chance would you like to, how you say, _hang_ this Friday?"

"Actually, I have plans. Sorry dude."

"Oh? Where are you going? Is it perhaps, with your new little boyfriend?"

"You heard about that, huh?"

"I hear about everything! That was a very brave thing for you to do. It could put you into a lot of danger."

"I think I'll be okay. I'd really like to--"

"So where is it that you are going?"

Embarrassed of the words leaking from my mouth, my cheeks turned a light pink.

"We're uh... going to a gay club?"

"Oh?"

"Yeah. With some friends."

"Interesting."

"Great. Well, I have to go g--"

"So what about Thursday, then?"

Was this a social norm in Russia or something? I'm not the most polite guy in the world, but I'm not _this_ bad. I think. I don't want to hang out with this guy. He's freaky enough talking to him for a few minutes at work!

"Actually, I can't."

"What plans do you have for Thursday?"

Thinking up a quick excuse is hard, but since I'd had going to the gym at the top of my head, I thought I came up with something decent.

"Umm... Lud and I are having a gym day that day! You're welcome to tag along."

"That's okay."

I had to hold in a sigh of relief. I did not want to end up anywhere alone with this guy. His smile told me that the only way this "friendship" was ending was with me either dead or with my asshole inside out. I'm too young to get my asshole ripped out!

"So... can I get through now?"

He stepped aside from my door.

"Thanks buddy!"

And I booked it for the printer. Checking my phone, I found that I didn't have near enough time to get those papers printed and back to the class before the bell rang. It wasn't like the kids minded having a couple minutes without a teacher.

Everything would be just dandy.

~~~

"Oh, Lovi, you look so cute!" Bella cooed at me. "Why are you so upset?"

"Maybe because I'm in a fucking skirt?"

The albino piece of shit snickered at me while I spun around, showing off the ridiculousness of it all. 

"You don't need to be upset because of that! Gender boundaries are a thing of the past. You look good!"

"It doesn't make sense at all. It doesn't make sense that you were given pants and I wasn't. More importantly, it doesn't make sense that we would spend money on uniforms when we're already going under! Who thought this was a good idea?"

"I think it was a good idea. Like she said, you look fantastic. What does it matter?"

"It matters because we keep losing money! Is no one else worried about this?"

He got up from Antonio's office couch, the milkman uniform draped over his arm.

"I'm going to the bathroom. Don't get cold feet."

I leaned my elbows on the boss's desk and let out a long breath.

"It's okay, Lovi. Boss will figure something out."

"Oh, he'll figure something out, will he? 'I know just how to cheer you up, my love,'" I mocked. "'I'll make you a big Spanish dinner and then surprise you with this new sex toy you've never heard of so we can have lots of fun together!' Yeah, that's exactly what I want. I want to wear women's clothing and for him to speak of himself in the third person like I'm a toddler. I want to be dominated by men that have no concept of what the words 'I'm not in the mood' means, because everyone knows that when your partner says that, you're supposed to try to convince them that they _are_ in the mood, or else your sex life is nothing!"

She stood, stunned at my thorough ranting.

Big hands from behind me wrapped themselves around my waist, sending shocks throughout my body. In the position I was in, with the clothes I was wearing, and those hands touching me the way they were, I felt completely vulnerable.

"So this is the boss's princess? Weird. I expected someone sweeter."

I turned to face the man, batting his hands away from my sides.

"I'm no one's princess." I kept my voice strong, no matter how feeble I was feeling. "Who the hell are you?"

"Call me Sadik. I'm Mr. Fernández Carriedo's financial advisor. I apologize, I didn't mean to come off so...rude. Is your boss in? I need to have a little talk with him."

"Actually, the boss is out right now," Bella cut in. "But we can take a message for you!"

~~~

I came into the classroom lugging a mountainous stack of packets, pre-stapled, thanks to the holy printer.

The kids were standing and chattering all around the room, some arguing about current events and politics. Emily sat at her desk alone with a fresh, short haircut and oversized sweatshirt, a major change from when I last saw her. Though she perked up a little upon my entering, she still rested her head in her arms.

I lugged the stack over to the desk and let out a sigh of relief after setting them down, promptly going back to slam my door, sending everyone in a flurry back to their desks.

"Hey, my favorite kiddos! You guys know what's coming up, right?" When their was no answer, I continued in the same cheerful tone. "Finals! Yay!"

They groaned in unison.

"I know, I know. I had to do the same thing. It's sucks. _And_ it's a Monday. I wish I could've spend all day in bed wi-- never mind. Fact is, it won't be all that difficult. Our schooling system is set up so even the most brain damaged or mentally handicapped kids can get through just fine, so as long as you've been listening to me at all this year, you'll pass just fine. If you want to do anything more than just passing, you could spend some time on this packet," I picked one up, flipping through it, "and you'll shoot by with flying colors. I know you guys are inclined to not want to do work that requires any form of effort, but I also know that without putting in some work now, you're going to make things harder for yourself in the future. I want to see some of you guys somewhere big years from now. And I would be like 'yooo! I taught them some dope history when they were a freshman!' And then they'd be like 'wha? Are you serious? They're like uber insano rich an shit. You better not be lyin' to me or I'll rupture yo tibia.' And I'd be like 'nah dawg I totally knew them'. And then they'd be like 'damn son, you deserve a raise.' What do you guys think?"

They smiled and some giggled. Motivational speech well done. Kids respond best to what they relate to, which I guess is someone like me. An idiot and total tool. Whatever gets the job done.

When I passed the packets out, they actually started looking through them and filling them out. It was great to see I didn't do all that work for nothing. They laughed and repeated some of the things from what I said. 

I was getting ready to go chat with Lud, but was stopped by the calls of a group of kids.

"Yo, Mr. Jones! What happened? You get in a fight?"

"No! I... slipped?"

"Sounds like you got in a fight."

"Uh, no." I thought it over. What would get them off my back about it? What really happened would take too long to try to explain, so I went with a more simple explanation. "...My boyfriend was pissed off that I lied about my tiny, _tiny_ dick but we made up and everything's great and now I gotta talk to Mr. Beilschmidt about something so give me a couple minutes!"

Turning to escape, I was halted once again by Britney Spear's Circus. So I answered my cell.

"Yo yo yo, to whom do I have the pleasure of speaking?"

 _"Alfred! I need you to do something for me. You think you could get some spare clothes and bring them to me whenever you can? After you get out?"_ said the voice of the guy that did in fact, give me this black eye. He sounded horribly distressed, as well as echoey, as if he was talking to me from a public bathroom.

"Why? What happened?"

_"I uh... it's a long story. Just... please. I can't go home like this!"_

"Like... what?"

_"I don't really want to talk about it. I just really need your help."_

The word 'help' rattled my brain into focus. It didn't need explanation. What he needed was a hero.

"Yeah, I'll do it! Text me the address and I'll get there as soon as I can. Hold on tight, baby."

_"Don't call me baby!"_

"Oh... okay." I rephrased it to try to make him feel better. "I'll do anything for you, daddy."

 _"That's not better!"_ I could practically feel his red cheeks through the phone.

Students laughed behind me.

Shit! I forgot they were there! Today was going to be a long-ass day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Confession #5:
> 
> Once upon a time I love love loved Spamano. Then I came across a doujin called "Chicory" by HKR. Never really liked Usuk. Saw pedophilic stuff with them two, too.
> 
> Now my heart belongs to Romerica. Rare ship or not, it's the bomb diggity and I’m sticking with it.


	17. Gone Too Far

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Schools almost over irl as well. Maybe I'll actually be able to post more consistently soon. Or maybe not.

I peeked my head into the German classroom through the shortcut like always before casually strolling in. Lud's voice boomed over the children, speaking a language I had zero understanding of. The only word I knew in German was the word for lube, which I learned from Gil. _Schmiermittel_. It still sent shivers down my spine. Maybe I wouldn't be so creeped out by it all if he wasn't with my brother. Or if I hadn't read those texts. Or his diary...

"Hola mi amigos!" I cheered to the kids as I passed through their arrangement of desks, and then, with a nervous laugh, "I don't know Spanish..."

"We know, Mr. Jones," a couple of girls giggled at their desks.

"Herr Jones! How many times do I have to tell you to not interrupt my class?"

"But Lud, it's important!"

He sighed through his nose, a lot like how Lov does, only with more patience. I like that trait about Lud.

"Klasse, machen Nummer sechs, sieben und acht. Jetzt!" He called out sternly to the class. I guessed he was giving them something to work on, because he then came to the back of the classroom to meet with me. "Okay, what is it that's so important?"

"I was wondering if you had any time free on Thursday." I looked around like I'd imagine people would as they gave away government secrets. I wish people would tell me government secrets. "...at the gym maybe? Some family workout time?"

"That's what's so important? Alfred, you know that I don't have time to spare. Finals are coming up, we are in dire need of more staff, I still have things to look into for the German exchange program next year, and on top of all that I have a wedding to plan. I haven't even managed to find a proper venue. I suppose I didn't realize how quickly the day was coming."

"Why don't you have your fiancé plan the wedding? What's he even do again?"

"I never said. He's a painter. His work is magnificent. He has more free time than anyone, but he's far too incompetent to plan a wedding."

"How's about I help you out? What kind of venue are you looking for?"

"Feliciano wants something local. He believes it's very important to celebrate in the place that brought us together." He blushed, avoiding eye contact. A couple of kids noticed, and he turned away from them as well.

"I can help you out! I've lived around here all my life. There's tons of nice, quiet places just outside the city. You two are adorable by the way. And I haven't even met him in person yet!"

He flinched in irritation at my raised tone.

"Try to be silent about this. Unlike you, I'd prefer not to be the talk of the school. If you let this slip, Alfred, I don't know if i could forgive you."

"Alright! Alright, fine. I won't say a word."

"That's a promise?"

"Promise."

"Alright... I'll move my schedule around for a workout meeting this Thursday, but that is _all_." He let out a breath of relief before waving me off back to my own classroom, the best classroom, of red, white and blue. The one I decorated all by myself.

I gave the air a fist pump of epic victory.

The kids in my classroom were stood and scattered, screeching like pterodactyls or drawing portraits of Shrek on the white board. All of them, that is, except for Emily.

"Come on, guys! I was hardly gone for five minutes! Where'd my angelic freshmen go?"

They laughed and returned to their seats like nothing had happened.

Surprisingly, they were relatively quiet for the rest of the period, with just some faint chatter and occasional giggles. I was able to take a look at some essays from last week. 

I'd hate to be an English teacher, where everything is in the same old boring Times New Roman. Handwriting holds so much more personality.

There's chicken scratch and fancy cursive, or letters stiff and blocky or ones that flow together smoothly. Everyone does things differently, even though we were all really taught to write in the same way. I happen to have the habit of turning every bit of punctuation into a star in one way or another. It's become such a part of me that whenever I send an email and I can't sign off Alfred F. Jones with a started exclamation, I feel empty inside.

When the bell rang and children fled, one line figure stood in front of my desk, twiddling their thumbs.

"'Sup Emily? You doin' good?"

"I'm okay I guess," she smiled politely.

"Shouldn't you be getting to next period?"

"I have Herr Beilschmidt just next door after this, so..."

"Oh. Yeah you do," I mumbled, concentrating hard on a doodle I was doing of Lov. My drawing skills may not be the best, but this one was turning out okay, resembling him slightly but not nearly doing his incredible looks justice.

"So uh... Mr. Jones. Did you hear about the whole transgender bathroom thing at Target? That trans people can use the bathroom they want now?"

"I didn't. I haven't exactly been keeping up with current events, but that sounds great!"

I doodled myself next to him. The big dopy smile on my face, the black eye, and the big brown coffee stain on my chest. We looked like a total mismatch. Maybe me are. I wonder if Lovino thinks we are.

"Mr. Jones, I... well... what I wanted to ask you... I..."

"You can do it, Emily! I believe in you," I encouraged as she struggled to get the words out.

"Actually... um, that was what I wanted to ask you about. Do you think you could... ah, nevermind."

"No, tell me. Come on, please. Ask me your question and I'll answer. It might be a wrong answer, but it'll be an answer!"

She took a deep breath.

"Do you think you could start calling me... Eric?" She said the name forcefully, as if it weighed as much as I do. "I know it's the end of the year and I won't have you for much longer anyway, but I thought, since you're... _you_ , you wouldn't mind..."

"'Course I wouldn't mind, buddy! Is that all you wanted?" I scribbled the correction onto the attendance sheet, crossing my toes that I wouldn't forget.

I wondered why she was making such a big deal out of it before violently mentally slapping myself. She-- no he, was trying to tell me that _he_ was transgender. What the hell is wrong with me? He cut his hair short, dirty blond fringe brushed to the side. His chest had clearly been binded. Why else would he be so nervous?

"That's all. Sorry for bugging you, Mr. Jones. I know you must have a lot going on." He looked up at me, hiding behind bangs and eyes gesturing to my beaten state.

"You can always come to me! Don't worry about it. This is nothing." I gleefully displayed this, when really my excitement came from _Eric_ being comfortable enough with a newbie teacher like me to tell me something so huge. "You're telling your other teachers about this too, right?"

"I'm not sure yet. I'm not sure my other teachers will react the same way as you. Like Herr Beilschmidt..."

"Can I tell you a secret?" He leaned in curiously. "Herr Beilschmidt and I are pretty tight. He's gonna let me help him plan his wedding. He wanted to make sure I didn't tell any students that there are two grooms. _Shhhh_... don't tell anyone."

He smiled truly for the first time today, like he was back to his usual self.

"There's that smile I know! You had me worried there for a while."

"Well... it's just... I really look up to you Mr. Jones and..." he was coy, shuffling in his place a bit.

I had never been more surprised and excited in my life. Someone looked up to me? I was getting a whole bunch of great accomplishments lately. I wondered if Dad would be proud.

"Oh man, I'm so happy for you dude!" I stood up to engulf him in a hug, with tight enough of a grip to pick him up and shake him for a second before letting him go. "Shit. Did I get coffee on you?"

"No. You didn't." Deep dimples formed on his cheeks as he smiled wider. "Thank you so much, Mr. Jones." He turned to exit the classroom.

"It's no problem, homie! And remember, _Shhhh!_ " I called out as he disappeared into the noisy halls.

Damn, I wish I was that good of a kid.

~~~

The office restrooms were unbearably cold and silent, so much so that the only noise there was, being my own breathing, echoed off the walls and the large portion of my legs that was visible was covered in goosebumps. I took off one of the black flats provided with the uniform. Size seven and a half in women's. I threw them to the tiled floor in frustration, only to be startled by the echoed slam it created.

I could be working right now. Could be. My excuse to myself this time was that I was too damn pissed to concentrate. That albino _freak_ had to have taken the opportunity to nab my clothes and took off. It made me wonder how anyone could put up with that heretic German's company. Like Alfred's brother... Matt, I think. He seemed like such a nice guy. Why would he ever try to put up with such a thing?

I shivered.

The counter where I sat myself was likely the coldest thing in the room. It was so tempting to go out and cuddle into the boss's office couch, but it was far too embarrassing. I wouldn't move until Alfred came in with a new set of clothes. I couldn't imagine walking out onto the city streets like this. People would laugh at me, maybe throw things at me, almost certainly take pictures...

Footsteps happily skipped their way in and stopped directly in front of me. I kept my head down, hiding my face away, studying the cracks in the tile and the shoe I had tossed.

"You look so cute, Lovi! What do you think of the new uniforms?"

I lifted my head, slowly, with the most resentful look I could manage to give this man. By the time I lifted my head fully up, his smile had entirely vanished.

"You're upset... This was a mistake." He attempted to put a reassuring hand on my thigh, which I quickly brushed off. Then he tried my shoulder, and was brushed off again. I allowed him my hands. He grasped them pleadingly. "This has gone too far. I never meant to make you so unhappy. All I wanted was to make you smile, just once. The only times I've ever seen you smile was at pretty women. Tell me, does that American make you happy?"

"You're talking about Alfred?" I said, softening at his sincere tone.

"Yes, that's the name." 

"I assume Gilbert has been telling you all about us?"

He nodded.

I froze up, unsure of the consequences of answering such a question.

"So? Does he make you happy? Does he do for you what I could not?"

He forced me into thinking about it. There were things about him that amused me...

Like the way someone so incredibly emotional could stand up for himself and others without second thought. He would be himself no matter what other people said or thought of him, mostly because it seemed he couldn't help himself, could never hide, never kept a secret. Someone who had an untamable childlike personality backed by adult drive; it brought my lips into a coy half smile.

Antonio observed this, pleasantly surprised.

"He does make you happy. I've never seen you smile like _that_. It's so cute!"

My signature grumpy frown returned.

"Oh no! Lo siento. I made you upset again. I'd like to make things up for you. How about you change back into your regular clothes? That will make things better, yes?"

"I can't."

He craned his neck in confusion.

"Oh? Why not?"

" _Someone_ stole my clothes."

"Why would someone do that?"

"Maybe because they're an asshat?"

"Who is they?"

"An albino asshat."

"Gilbert? Why would he do something like that to you?"

"Look, I don't want to have to take the time to explain this to you. Can we be done with this? I'd like to be left alone." I yanked my hands free from his.

"No, it's okay! I believe you. I'll go get your clothes back for you!" He declared triumphantly.

"You have to reschedule an appointment with your financial advisor. And you've got to go to the bank to sign some papers. You've got better shit to do. Just leave."

"You're sure?"

"Go."

He turned with uncertainty toward the door. Before heading out, he removed his suit jacket and placed it over my legs. My chest felt light. It might be nice if things between us could be normal, after all that's happened. I just had to find it in my cold dead heart to forgive him, if I should at all.

Even with the blazer covering up my legs, it was still cold as fuck. Alfred, how much longer could you be?

~~~

With the set of clothing for him dangling from my fingers in a plastic bag, I headed to the shining office building. I lingered around the outside a bit, hoping that I was at the right place.

A man stood outside, puffing on a cigarette. I approached him to confirm that I was at the right place, but the sorrow in his green eyes as the stared into the sidewalk halted me.

"Hey, what's up? Something wrong?" I asked, carefully.

He looked up, startled, before looking back at the cracked at the sidewalk the same as before.

"No, nothing's wrong." He mumbled, releasing a long breath of smoke that the light breeze blew right into my face. I waved around at it.

I stood awkwardly, forgetting what I had originally approached the man for. He looked back up at me after I didn't move.

"Actually, there is something bothering me. You ever mess up so badly with the one person that matters more than anything else that they hate your guts for it?"

The first thing to come to mind was big, bushy, angry eyebrows.

"I might know the feeling." I answered.

"I don't think there is anything I can do to make up for myself. I won't go running to anyone else for advice anymore. That was my first mistake. I'm such an idiot." He stubbed out the cigarette in defeat. "I am sorry, for the sob story, my friend." He stuck out a hand for me to shake. "I am Antonio."

I was taken aback that this man could be the one who cause Lovino so much heartache, but I took his hand nonetheless.

"Alfred."

He was also surprised my the name that I gave him. His eyes lightened, he smiled at me thankfully.

"I saw my Lovi smile today thanks to you. You're going to provide for him? Make sure he's fed and healthy? Clean his place for him? And do the laundry?" He pleaded with me.

"He's an adult. I think he can handle himself."

He shook his head.

"Oh yes, my bad. Well... just keep making him smile, then. Could you do that? For an old fool like me?"

I nodded firmly.

He smiled brightly at me, then took off down the sidewalk to a red Mercedes, leaving me in the dust. 

Well that was unexpected. He seemed like a nice enough guy. I never would've expected him to be so grateful to the next guy to be with his ex.

It was just one less thing to worry about, I guess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! Everything's great! Now onto the happy ending... right???


	18. Light Heart, Heavy Mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These boys are too goddamn gay and angsty, even for me! 
> 
> Is the end near? No, not even fucking close. I can't believe I've been writing this story for so long already.
> 
> Summer break is so close I can taste it. I need some sweet, sweet sleep...

I finally found him, Lovino, hulled up in the restroom of one of the upper offices. He sat next to the sink, with a suit jacket draped over his legs. He hopped down and latched onto me upon my entering. The jacket dropped to the tile floor, revealing a skirt. 

"What in the hell took you so long?" He grumbled into my chest.

He shivered. It was no wonder. His bare legs have to have him freezing to death in here! I squeezed him back hoping it would give him some extra warmth.

I knew who did this. This was Gilbert's "sexy secretary" uniform idea, right? I'm not much a fan of lying to myself, so I'll admit that he did look nice in it, but with the state he was in, angry, with tears in his eyes, covered in goosebumps... that's not sexy. This shouldn't put people the mood for that stuff. Looking at him in this state made me want to carry him home and wrap him in blankets. He needed a big sweatshirt and and maybe some hot chocolate. Mmm... hot chocolate sounds so fucking good right now. 

"I got your clothes. I'm sorry I took so long. I had to get changed when I got back."

If he asked me why, I would've told him I was being a klutz and spilled coffee all over myself, but he didn't. He silently took the bag from me. Even though he had disappeared into a stall and I wouldn't be able to see him anyway, I still felt the need to turn my back anyway.

When he exited the stall, in the tee with the cute alien head graphic, his shoulders were no longer tense. He threw the outfit down next to the suit jacket on the floor and stuck his nose up at it.

My alien boyfriend in an alien tee. You know, because he's from Italy and... stuff. That was a bad joke wasn't it? Can that even be considered a joke? Shit, I suck at comedy.

He grabbed my arm and tugged as to say he was ready to head out.

"Can we go get hot chocolate?" I asked. "And fries? And maybe brownies?"

"I don't give a fuck! Let's just get out of this shithole."

And get out of that shithole we did.

~~~

We went to a small family coffee shop to get us both some hot chocolate. Alfred happened to be lucky enough that they also serve salty snacks and pastries, so he got what he wanted. 

I was still recovering from that cold-ass bathroom. The hot chocolate was nice, but the seats were cold. I was just quick enough to pick up a napkin before sneezing into it. The horribly embarrassing sound of my newfound sickness caught Alfred's attention.

"That sounded like a baby elephant!" He laughed.

"Don't make fun of my sneezes, you prick."

"I'm not making fun! They're way less embarrassing than my sneezes, trust me. Mine are so fucking loud. They'd shake the whole building." He slurped his hot drink, cringing as he burnt his tongue from drinking too fast, but continuing to down it in record time regardless.

He insulted himself with a massive dorky grin on his face. Though I didn't doubt that the floor may shake if he were the one who had a cold, I'd never understand how he could be so happy about a trait that he didn't like about himself. How do you do that?

I didn't ask. Even if I did, I knew his answer wouldn't much help my understanding. If I asked, I would keep thinking about it, bashing myself about bashing myself and getting upset about it. I figured it would be best to keep things light today. No hard questions. 

I picked up one of his fries from the paper cup container. It went limp between my fingers. He eyed it, and then me. He licked his lips.

"Eat my limp dick," I said, moving it towards his mouth.

He took the whole thing into his mouth with a wink, lapping at my finger before I could pull away. My cheeks heated up. He smirked at me, not deviously, but in a friendly sort of way.

The moment was then interrupted by another one of my baby elephant sneezes.

It caught him off guard, causing him to breath in sharply. The fry that was still in his mouth choked him, sending him into a furious coughing fit. 

After we both recovered, me, my red nose and him, he laughed it off the way he did that made everything seem like it was going to be okay.

We brought Chinese food back to my place, or whatever it was now, since I claimed to feel too shitty to do any cooking. It was somehow amusing to watch him eat. Whether it was him shoveling it into his face-hole with his hands or going at it a noodle at a time with chopsticks and shaky fingers, it was satisfying to see him as happy to relax and enjoy stuffing himself as much as I do. After a long shitty day beforehand, I was really starting to feel content. I had a full belly and cozy warm home, and more importantly, no feminine or degrading clothing.

~~~

I like chopsticks. Chopsticks are mad hard to use, which makes it harder to pig out. It made me feel healthier already.

I slurped up my last noodle, and Lov gathered our trash, heading to the kitchen to throw them out. My suitcase still sat taking up a big portion of the living room. I reached into it from where I was sitting, curious again about those toys he had.

It was puzzling that he would have such things. Lov didn't seem like that kind of person. A spark occurred in my brain then. It was these that I read about in Gil's diary, wasn't it? These came from Antonio. Did that mean none of these were ever used?

I picked up the same little vibrator that I had before. Until recently, I'd never even _seen_ a vibrator in real life, let alone used one. I wondered if I could actually manage to find some other fun ways to use it. What could I possibly do with it? I flicked the switch to set it on. Lov jumped at the sound of it from his spot in the kitchen. He looked at me, if only for a second, before bolting into the bedroom.

"Hey, wait!" I called.

Looking completely and utterly helpless, sprawled onto the bed on his back, arms draped over his eyes, he weeped. My face was contorted in a hundred layers of baffled.

I approached him swiftly, and uncovered his face to reveal eyes wider than I've ever seen any. His hands and his legs shook in terror. Tears dripped from his cheeks onto the black bedsheets. 

I looked down at the vibrator in my hand from where I suspended myself above him, flicking it on once more, to test it. He screamed and slapped it from my hand onto the floor.

"I don't want to! Get it away from me! Get off!" I watched open mouthed as he thrashed underneath me. "I just want to be left alone!" He sobbed.

"What are you talking about? I'm not doing anything!" 

I've made some mistakes I hadn't meant to in past relationships. I've said unintentionally racist things, I've had habits that they've found inherently annoying, I've been yelled at for taking too long to text back, but I've never managed to mess up this bad.

I didn't know what to do. I never know what to do. But I'm a man of action. I embraced him. His ceaseless crying made my eyes leak along with his.

I didn't want to have this effect on anyone! Not even assholes. A hero is supposed to save the day, not ruin it. Everything was fine until I picked up that _thing_.

It was so long that we were in that position that it could have been an hour. By then his episode had ended and he seemed to be sleeping peacefully. I got up to pick the vibrator off the floor.

_I don't know what the fuck you triggered in him, but you will not be used for means of fun. You're done, buddy._

I went to the kitchen to throw it in the trash along with empty boxes of Chinese food. 

Then back to my place on the bed with Lovino.

He was so confusing. So complicated. I worried if there was something seriously wrong with him. Maybe it was me, and I was just too dimwitted to understand.

His lips were parted slightly as he took long, even breaths. His hair fell perfectly onto the pillow even when he had been in such a crazy emotional state.

I was feeling shaky after the whole thing. A man looking like he does should be doing movies, walking with confidence, talking down to people, busy being an idol. What was all this coming from? A vibrator that they never used? That didn't seem right.

I sat and thought to myself about what could have caused it for so long that I lost track of time. It was late when I watched his eyelashes flutter open.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"Yeah, I guess so," he said casually, before sneezing.

What else could I ask about?

"I talked to Antonio today."

"Mm?" He grumbled.

"He mentioned something about like, 'providing for you'. Did he mean he like... did everything for you?"

He sighed.

"He did all of the cleaning at his apartment and mine. All of it. Cooked me three meals a day. I would mess shit up around my apartment so that he would have a harder time cleaning it. I would boss him around. Test him. Break shit when I was angry. He never, ever got mad at me for it. The first time he ever got mad at me for anything was, what, last week maybe?"

"And you didn't like that?"

"I loved it. I lived like a king. Or like others would say, 'boss's princess'. It's... more complicated than you think." He looked up at the ceiling, as if the memories were projecting like a film up there.

I didn't know what to say to that either. None of it made sense. 

I wanted to be here for him. I wanted to be able to fix whatever problem there was. But I didn't know what the problem really was. Or where to start. Who knew relationships could be so troubling when the lasted longer than a week?

Putting a hand on his cheek, I found that they were ice cold. He needed to be warmed up! I helped him under the covers and joined him there.

Today had been all kinds of stressful. I think we both needed to let loose once Friday came. 

~~~

The morning was hot. Alfred was gone. I'd overslept. My head pounded and my nose was completely stuffed. Yesterday fucking sucked, and today I felt like shit, so there was no way in _hell_ I was going into work today. I called up Antonio.

_"Hola? Lovi? You never call me. What's wrong?"_

"I'm sick as fuck! I'm not coming in today." My clogged nose had altered my voice so that the sound of it surprised even me. It was not a sexy voice.

_"Oh no! Do you want me to come over? I could make you soup! And get you medicine! How bad is it? I'll be over with a bucket in ten minutes if you want."_

"It's not that fucking bad. I'm just staying in bed. That's all. You don't have to do anything."

_"What about that Alfred guy? Is he there to take care of you?"_

"He's at work."

_"Then I should come and--"_

"No!" I snapped.

The other end went silent.

_"...Lovi? Do you... hate your boss?"_ His voice sounded hurt and broken.

I didn't have to think about it. It just took a few seconds to gather the courage to say it.

"No, I don't hate you."

_"Really? You mean it?"_ he said, his spirits back to their usual high.

"Yes!" I shouted, "Now shut up! I'm going back to sleep!"

I hung up and missed the nightstand when putting it down, so it clattered onto the wooden floor.

I tossed and turned, my mind stuck on last night.

He got out that vibrator and I went absolutely nuts. I didn't really think Alfred would try to press anything on me, but while caught up in the emotions from earlier in the day, I felt weak and violated. I must be losing my mind. 

I just had to get him caught up in all of this, didn't I? I couldn't have followed through with trying to scare him away. I had to subject him to the torture that came with getting close to me. 

I wanted the world to go away. Maybe if it were just the two of and no one else, no annoying brothers, no smelly Germans, no clingy bosses, no random other people to stare at us or make us uncomfortable in other ways, maybe everything would be more peaceful. I could smile naturally and not worry about being harassed in this way or that.

I wonder if this is where Grandpa imagined I'd be when he shipped me off to America.

My phone buzzed from the floor.

_Fuck off, world._

There was still so much to think about. Could I have an actual life here in America? With Alfred? Would he want to start a family, if we ever even lasted that long?

I wasn't ready for something like that. I couldn't raise a child when I could hardly take care of myself.

Alfred could take care of a child. He would raise a great kid. He would raise a kid that would turn out to independent and full of confidence.

Alfred and I were a total mismatch. I hated the thought, even though I was fairly sure it was true. 

It didn't matter. We might suck as a couple. Everyone might think that we look strange together.

But I love him.

It hurt my pride to admit it even to myself. It was so fucking gay. Fuck everything. This is the worst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tensions have really died down between Lovino and Antonio. Luckily there's no other characters in this story trying to cause problems...


	19. His Scent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why do people like my writing like wtf.
> 
> This is rare pair shit no one should like this.

Today was going to be a normal day for once, I told myself as I headed into work.

Lov totally freaked out last night. I didn't know how to ask him about it, or if I even wanted to. He was also sick. Didn't even get up this morning. But that made me sort of happy. One, sleeping in would hopefully make him feel better. Two, that meant no bad experiences at work like yesterday.

I texted him, asking if he was alright, trying to seem like a good boyfriend. I wish I had better judgment on how to do this right...

Today felt like it would be normal, too. I walked in, greeting Officer Wang by the wrong name again. I went to my classroom, stopping by to talk to Lud before the first bell rang. And like any normal day, Mr. Braginsky left me food that he probably put some weird poisonous chemical in. I wouldn't touch it, no matter how tempting that donut looked.

I was shuffling some papers on my desk, getting ready to have my lunch break. I was thinking about heading out quick to the nearest McDonald's and getting myself a Big Mac. Those things can be so good it's painful, because every time I take a bite of one of those juicy, delicious things, I know I'm shortening my life span by who knows how long.

" _Boo!_ " a voice exclaimed in a thick accent, right behind me.

I turned around to face him with a faster breath than normal, recovering from my heart jumping into my throat.

"Gosh dingus damnit, dude! What are you trying to do to me?" I said, a hand clutched to my chest.

"I'm trying to scare the life from you! Or at least scare you enough that you fear for your life and move cities."

I said nothing. There was about a five second span of dead silence between us.

"I mean... scaring friends is a funny prank! I, how do you say it... _Got you!_ " he chuckled.

"Uh, yeah... well you scared my tits off, dude," I rubbed my pecks, since they genuinely hurt after that major scare.

"Tits?" He looked closely at my chest, with a hand on his chin, as if analyzing it. "You don't appear to have breasts." He moved closer to touch me, and I took a step back, bumping into my desk, and laughing it off, awkwardly.

"It's a figure of speech or something, you know?" 

He stood up straight again, eyes returning to my face.

"You are very strange, Alfred."

"I don't think I'm all that weird," I said, just as I said to anyone who says that to me. "It's a normal phrase."

"No, I mean, you are weird in lots of ways!" He took a step forward. I sat on my desk. "Like how you are not as scared of me as most people are."

"Well, you're just a person, just like anyone else, right?" I made an effort to look completely confident, not that what I was saying was any less true. "I don't see a need to be scared."

"But shouldn't you be scared all the time? You _are_ a homosexual, no? I would be _very_ scared of I were you."

The way he spoke made it seem like something I should actually be fearing for my life about. But I knew better. Mr. Braginsky came from Russia, a land full of nothing but cold and conservatives. Here in America, the land of the free, I have nothing to fear.

"I'll be fine. What's gonna happen? People'll throw shit at me? I can take that much." I shrugged.

He did that same childlike laugh that he always did.

"Yes, you are a tough guy, aren't you, Alfred?" He looked to his left at the wall clock above the door. "The bell is about to ring. It's about time for you to go out and get your Big Mac, isn't it, friend?"

He left me there with a slack jaw. I don't think I need to explain why I was surprised. That guy was such a mystery. People fear him for a reason. Like damn. But he doesn't scare me!

I'm still going to get my Big Mac. No matter how freaky that guy thinks he is.

~~~

My cell rang out from the floor. I groaned into my pillow. I had just been about to fall asleep again! Why can't people just learn to leave me the fuck alone?

I leaned over the bed to pick it up and answer it. I sighed before giving my friendly greeting.

"What?" I hissed.

_"What are you wearing, sweet thang?"_ The voice was of a man's that I did not recognize.

"Nothing but my broken dignity," I said sarcastically. "Who the hell is this?"

_"Just your biggest wet nightmare."_

I shivered at his disgusting tone.

"Who gave you this number?"

The man suddenly sounded flustered.

_"Isn't this the gay chat hotline? Gil told me that--"_

_Gilbert..._

I could never catch a break. Not even on my sick day.

I hung up and noticed I got a few texts from Alfred some time ago. Didn't he know what a cold was? Of course I'd be fine.

The sound of the front door to the apartment opening caught my ear. Was he really back already? What time was it?

The clock told me it was _far_ too early for Alfred to be out of work. There was only one other person it could be.

He came rushing to my bedside, getting to his knees so he could be more at my level.

"Oh, Lovi, you _are_ sick! I'll go make you something..."

In a half hour, he came back with soup that had that Spanish touch that every dish he made had. It was exquisite, elegant, delicious. I felt warm and relaxed once I had filled my stomach. He left to clean the dish swiftly, returning to my side.

This time, he sat on the bed, where Alfred was just hours earlier. My eyelids began to feel heavy as he wrapped an arm around me. His scent was earthy like cabinet spices. I leaned into the smell. It was a miracle that I could experience the aroma in my state.

It was comforting. It was warm. He's such perfection and I took him for granted.

He's done everything for me.

And I turned it all away because I was scared.

What's wrong with me?

The amount of control I had over my own life at this point was disorienting. I could try to start this strange mystery path with Alfred. I could just as well go back with Antonio so I knew I'd always have someone who was here for me, who would take care of me. He's known me longer than I've known anything. He was practically raising me, at a time. A time I have trouble remembering...

What did I really even know about Alfred? I'd only met him a little over two weeks ago. The feelings I've developed for him could all be just me being delusional.

I looked up into familiar eyes of green much brighter than mine. 

"Sleep, my love."

I don't know what to do.

I drifted off, lost in his scent, lost in the memories, just lost.

~~~

After work, back at his apartment, I leaned against the front door, taking a few slow deep breaths.

My life was crazy enough without all this. Since _Love at First Kiss_ , everything's felt so much crazier. It was kind of annoying.

It could be that Lov was just crazy. I may have gotten myself into a mess.

I bet whoever's out there reading this would love to give me advice on what to do, but regardless of whatever _you_ would say, I'm not giving this up just yet.

It's not like any of the craziness really seemed to be actually caused by Lovino himself. He just attracted crazy... right?

Whatever it was, I opened the door.

I got myself comfortable, tossing my bag and tie off in different directions before heading off to the bedroom to find him.

Only he wasn't alone.

Lovino was sleeping peacefully, breathing through parted lips, with another man's arm wrapped around him. That arm belonged to Antonio.

He was alert at my presence. Careful not to wake the sick, he slid of the bed. Approaching me sternly, and looking ever so slightly upward to meet my eye, he spoke as if scolding me.

"Where were you?"

This man was made out to be a monster, or some kind of grey haired old man. What I saw was a protective and incredibly attractive young guy. He didn't look much older than Lov at all. His ass was probably the most godlike thing I've ever seen. He wasn't what I was expecting the first time. From the picture I first had in my head of him, I might always be surprised.

"I was at work," I answered, taken aback.

"Lovi is ill! He needs care and attention. You need to be here for him when he needs it." He looked back at said snoozing person with a worried expression, then back at me, with hostility. "If you ever upset Lovino in _any_ way, I _will_ kill you."

He smiled happily before skipping his way out of the apartment.

I didn't know where to place that guy at all.

But I wasn't scared of him. He couldn't take me in a hundred years. If _Braginsky_ couldn't take me, neither could he.

I kicked off my shoes and socks, wiggling my freed toes before making my way next to the spot Antonio had just been in. The shift in weight was enough to awaken the beast. I mean this in the most loving way possible.

He didn't seem like he had any intention of getting up yet, nor did he act perturbed. Instead he wrapped his arms around me, pressing his face into my chest.

"What is Antonio to you?" I felt the need to ask.

"I don't know," he responded in a gruff, broken voice. I was uncertain if it was caused by emotions or his sickness.

"What am I to you?"

He said nothing.

~~~

I thought too long and too hard. What is he Alfred to me? I guess he's my boyfriend. It hurt every time, that word. People like him can use such a word without having to worry about things like masculinity.

The question was left to sit. 

I didn't know how to feel about Alfred and I's relationship. Sure, I was happy now, but how long do things ever last? He might not be as patient with me as Antonio had. He'll want to have sex eventually. That's just how people are.

I _would maybe_ want to, but the thought was too scary. He can see my fat thighs and stomach. What he can't see is my...

I wonder how he would react. Would he be disappointed? Would he laugh at me?

When Antonio saw me nude for the first time, he had to comfort me until I stopped biting my hand. I don't want to go through something like that again.

I squeezed myself closer to Alfred. He smelled like a sunny day and a combination of milkshakes and dry-erase marker. His scent was unfamiliar. It wasn't like Antonio's.

"How do you make that pain go away?" I said through my teeth.

"Well... I don't think I know any good cold remedies. I usually eat until I feel better. Want me to order a pizza?"

That wasn't what I meant. I wasn't hungry. I looked up and pouted my lips.

"Oh! I know what you need." He leaned forward to connect our lips. I put up a hand to stop his mouth.

"I don't want to get you sick."

He shrugged.

"I'm tough enough."

He pressed on and I allowed it. Our lips lingered too long afterward, so it turned into another. The movements became faster, more heated. I couldn't recall how I ended up straddling him from above. When I realized how quickly this was accelerating, I cut it off abruptly. He whimpered as I pulled away.

I scooted away from him, facing the wall. He didn't make a move to come closer.

"Did... did you really leave Antonio because of an age difference thing?" He asked without any context.

"Why would you ask me that?"

"He just... looked a lot younger than I expected... when I saw him yesterday. He's like... hot."

"Don't say things like that."

I never answered his question. I didn't plan on it either. How could I tell him about those days? Days like my twenty fifth birthday? It wasn't even that long ago. It was still a fresh wound. A story I wasn't ready to tell.

Eventually he got up to get himself something to eat. And yet he still came back to lie next to me, for whatever reason.

"I know another thing that makes me feel better!" He exclaimed, and then he sighed, as if remembering something. "Aw. But I forgot my systems. Do you have any game systems?"

"I only have the one..."

"Which one?"

It was an old system. By now it had to be collecting dust. Feliciano brought that thing over, and it was getting old even then.

"A GameCube?"

_"A fucking GameCube?!"_

The excitement in his voice caught me off guard and cause me to jump.

"Yea?"

"I haven't played on of those things since I was like ten! Where is it?" He was bouncing up and down at this point.

"Tv stand in the living room," I said simply.

He went to fetch it, plugged it into the tv in the bedroom, sat at the foot of the the bed and squealed at that old start-up sound.

I peaked out from the covers to watch him giddy with joy playing Mario Sunshine.

I always keep forgetting.

Sure, I know Antonio better. But Antonio isn't entertaining. We don't have fun in the same way.

I have to be brave. I can take from Alfred's example. Not be afraid. Not care much of what other people think.

I chant it again and again in my head. In the end, it doesn't stick. Things just can't be that way. I'm a coward. And I always will be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Antonio Antonio Antonio Antonio Antonio.
> 
> Antonio is the best guy.


	20. Wanting More

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short chapter for now. I thought maybe this would be easier during the summer, but Saturday is still busy, busy, busy.

On one nice looking day, from what I could see from the open blinds of the window at least, I was awoken by the shift in weight on the bed again, as the person next to me vanished in order to head to work.

It may have looked nice outside, but inside there was this mess of a sick person rolling around in his misery. That person would be me. 

I would call Antonio again, but couldn't he just assume I wasn't coming in again because I was still sick? Oh wait, it's Antonio we're talking about. It wasn't enough to motivate me to pick up my cell.

I had bigger problems, or more like... stiffer problems. I hate it when this happens. It's so disgusting...

I couldn't ignore it by focusing on my stuffed nose or leaky eyes or sore throat. All I could think about was how brick fucking hard I was. My achiness caused me to not want to move, and yet the urge to stroke myself was so strong.

I turned onto my side. The more I thought about it, the more I squirmed, using all of my very little strength to contain the urge to masterbate. 

It forced my mind to wander to depth I've been avoiding for a very long time. 

I needed some kind of release.

Fear was enough of a motivator to keep me from having sex, but it was never enough to stop me from thinking about it. I grinded my teeth in frustration.

Giving into urges would feel so nice. I could feel Alfred in phantom, as if we were just about to get to bed after a long day, cuddling me closer than he would normally, from behind, and pressing himself against me. Not aggressively, just with a smoldering hint of lust.

Imaginary hands slipped their way under my last line of defense, kneading my upper thighs and bottom as they went. He would wait for a nod from me before pulling his cock out, hot and leaking with precum that came from simply touching me. He doesn't realize what a rarity it is to let anyone so much as brush a single finger against me, when he would be allowed get to feel every part of me that felt so good and so wrong all at the same time.

Lost in the mirage, I spread my legs, pushed my ass out. It was so close but so far, considering there was nothing there in the first place.

My face was ablaze, my whole body feeling fiery hot. I imagined what it could feel like for him to push inside of me, to fill me, to...

I wanted it so bad. The curiosity of it was killing me slowly, much like this cold.

And yet I would never, because I was too afraid, and it was too wrong. Allowing it even once would change everything. I was so nasty to want something so dirty and unnatural. I'm sure I had a nice comfy spot in hell waiting for me.

I needed a cold shower, but that would be the worst feeling while I'm also coughing my lungs up.

So I didn't do anything except continue to squirm and moan to myself, with the occasional sneeze, refusing to give myself the satisfaction. I wouldn't want to lay in my own mess. I knew I would be too lazy to clean it.

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I...

Just like the annoying creatures of society, homosexual thoughts refuse to go away. At least this Alfred was a mere figment of my imagination, and the real one wasn't here to witness my shame.

All I wanted was that, for my complete approval to be important to them. Why do other men have no hesitation? Do they really think them dominating me in every way is a turn on for me? Here's a clue; it fucking isn't. I may not know what I want, but it sure as fuck isn't that.

It was only a hope of mine that Alfred would be just as nervous about it as me, if we ever did anything, so I wouldn't have to be scared. But really, who knows?

Maybe this relationship will come to an end before any of that could escalate. Maybe the depression that would come with losing my first friend would stop me from having these dirty thoughts, at least for a while.

~~~

I was having a fantastic day at work... or so I thought.

Lud stopped in to tell me that the kids enrolled in the classes I was teaching had some of the highest grades in those classes in the past couple of years. I know this all has to be because I explain everything in a way that I would understand it, which is as basic as it gets. I have to make it my duty to make sure my explanations are as thorough as possible so there is no confusion. I would get so confused when my teachers didn't connect things properly. A brain, meant for precision and action, has no time for abstract metaphors.

Erik and I had a talk about what teachers he was telling about his situation. We agreed that it was best not to bother with some of them. He's such a nice kid. I would never want to say I had a favorite student, but if I had to choose...

I went out to get myself an Italian sub for lunch. Man, I love me some salami. The great thing was, not only did it taste ultra good, but it didn't make me feel like I was heightening my chances of type two diabetes.

I was having a great day, bouncing to a groovy tune that got stuck in my head earlier in the day, and packing up my things to go back to the place I wanted to start calling home. I was sure it was still to early for that, but it was where I was laying my head at night, so really, isn't Lovino's apartment home now?

I zipped up my bag before hearing the soft steps in heavy boots of one of my fellow teachers; the chemistry teacher in the long lab coat that I stained with coffee just this Monday. Now the coat was frighteningly white. 

He smiled with friendly eyes at me, before approaching and standing far too close for comfort. Determined to ignore him in order to not extend my time away from _home_ , I refused to face him, and instead shuffled some of the papers on my desk in my standing position. I could feel his presence behind me.

"Hello friend! Are you having a good day today?"

"Yeah... I mean, I was."

"Your eye is starting to heal, I noticed. You look good!"

"Really?" I asked, surprised by such a comment.

"Yes," he said, taking another step towards me. "But you'd look better like _this_."

Before I could get a sense of what was going on, I was bent over my desk, a strong hand pressing me down from between my shoulder blades. As a near instantaneous reaction, I snarled.

"What the fuck?" What the only thing I could come up with.

A sinister giggle came from behind me.

"Strong Mr. Jones looks like a whole different person like this. What do you think of it?"

"I think you're going to let me go." I growled it through my teeth. The desk was hard against my cheek.

"Oh, you're no fun sometimes, Alfred. I'm only playing."

"I don't like your playing." I forced my way up and grabbed my bag. He took a few steps back, holding up defensive hands. "See you tomorrow, _Braginsky_."

His expression unchanged, he allowed me to leave. What is the deal with that guy? What did he have against me? Here I am, trying to live a normal happy life, and it feels like everyone's out to get me. Gil wants to fuck my boyfriend, my boyfriend's ex threatened to kill me, and this fucking Ruskie's giving me shit too?

Oh, how a day can go from the best to the worst in mere seconds. I was fuming all the way to the apartment.

I fumbled with the key Lovs had so generously given me, pushed the door open and threw my stuff around ungratefully. I was surprised to see a ball of blankets on the couch playing MarioKart Double Dash. Only a red nose, a wild curl, and delicate hands stuck out from the blanket pile, as far as I could see.

I sat down next to him, watching as he pressed the buttons and flicked the joystick furiously, in silent rage. He looked to be doing pretty well though, fighting for first place.

"Can I play too?" I asked, the silver trophy rotating on the screen.

He stuck a leg out from his blankets and nudged and extra controllers to me with his foot.

I loosened my bow tie and scooted into the couch. This was gonna be good.

First we had to choose our characters. He quickly went for a Daisy-Bowser duo. Dainty and scary. Nice.

I went with baby Mario and baby Luigi, because I'm a basic bitch like that. Them and their little baby carriage cart; so fucking cute.

In the mushroom cup, always the easiest courses in the game, we got to that glorious countdown to start the race. 3... 2... 1... and my babies' cart whirred in a cloud of black smoke. Lovs' cart blasted ahead to the front of the pack. I started the race off in seventh.

"What the fuck!" I shouted, eloquently.

"The timing's harder than you think."

Using my utmost effort and ability throughout the entire race, with only the occasional glance to his side of the screen, I was only able to pull fourth.

Now I'm not used to being bad at games. Not at all. I'm number one. Always. It's been awhile since I'd played this game in particular, sure, but it still didn't feel good.

I showed him my pouty lip.

"You're not that bad," he roles his eyes, "You're doing fine."

Maybe his thoughtful words didn't make me feel better, but playing did. As we did more races, we got rowdy and competitive. I was improving every race, and by the last one on the cup, I was right on his tail.

The race was close, but I know how this game goes. What you do, is you gotta be a mega bitch. Keep a red shell until the very end, and on the last lap, right before the finish line...

His jaw dropped as I slipped by within the last couple seconds. The rage didn't set in until the initial shock died out.

"You little fucking prick!" He yelled before tackling me on the couch, diving out of his blanket mound to pounce me.

I was giddy with laughter at his reaction, and his soft fists thumping into my chest.

Before I could even have the slightest nervous thought that he may actually be angry with me, he silenced my laughter with aggressive, softer lips.

~~~

I never thought that kissing would ever be a thing that I'd come to like. Kissing was always something to just signify people as a couple. It was an action of affection that I didn't really want to do, because it's tremendously disgusting, but I did anyway, to show a person I at least didn't completely hate them. 

It was like a drug. Feeling his lips gave me a weird kind of rush. I felt like an addict, in that I kept at it, until the room was on fire. Our cheek were hot and red. His hands found there way to rest on my hips. I was straddling him like a time before-- or yesterday.

It was utterly terrifying, how fast we got in a heat. It would get annoying for him, I'm sure, if I would initiate these things, and then not "put out", right? 

So when we broke from each other, with short of breath, we stared each other down, watching for the other's next move. 

I could see it in his eyes, that he was unsure too. What he told me, without opening his big mouth, was that he, just the same, was lacking in confidence to doing anything more.

Though we both made slight, teasing tugs on each other's clothing. Something in the back of my head told me touching him, just a little-- hands on his chest, feeling the heat-- would be enough to satisfy me in some way. I knew that this couldn't be true. I would want more. I would get curious. I was feeling these emotions already.

The curiosity, this time, was enough to overtake my fear. I reached to lift my tee over my head...

My simple ringtone blared from the bedroom. It surprised me enough to get me to my feet without conscious thought. 

I wasn't sure at first if it might've been good that I escaped that whole... situation... whatever it would've turned into.

I ran alone to the bedroom to pick up my phone, without looking for the contact.

"Hello?"

_"Hey there, baby. So... Top or bottom?"_ said an unfamiliar voice, a different one from yesterday. 

I was completely taken aback by the question. It was incredibly personal. It was a question that hit me hard in the chest, knowing the answer I would give if I would ever say it was not the answer I wanted to give. My blood boiled up in a different way than it did just moments ago. I slung the phone across the room, toward the open door. Alfred walked in just in time to be stoped by a phone that stuck into the wall upon impact, inches from his face.

"Woah! Holy shit, I think you almost killed me!" He said in partial hysteria. "I think you're gonna need a new phone, Lovs."

I groaned and floppy back onto the bed.

He quickly came to my side, not desperately, but in a subtle reassuring way, because when he would but his arm around me, when he would shush me and tell me there's no reason to start crying again, I knew he wouldn't try anything. He wouldn't make a move, wouldn't shove a finger up my ass when I'm at my most vulnerable.

But it made it all the harder, knowing that if I really wanted more than this platonic friendship and crying fits, it would have to be me that makes the move.

_Alfred, you make this so difficult. Why do you have to make me feel safe? Why do you have to give me all this freedom of choice? I'm not used to all this._

It's what I wanted to say, but I didn't. I let him hold me. We listened to the repetitive title screen of MarioKart Double Dash from the living room.

I hope I wasn't going to get Alfred sick. I had faith that I wouldn't. He said he was tough, and with all my heart, I wanted to believe him. I wanted to tell him he was great.

Have you ever met me? I don't say things like that to people, and it wasn't starting now.

I cooked him a big dinner and told him how much of a pig he was for eating every last bit.

"I'm going to take that as a compliment," is what he said.

Rightly so. Pigs have really pretty eyes. Another thing I didn't say out loud.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No smut still??? What is this bullshit?
> 
> I know, I'm a monster.
> 
> As I said, short chapter. Next one should be a longer one, I think. If not, I can promise there will be some interesting ones in the future. *cough* 22 *cough*


	21. Thursday the 12th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It Romerica week on Tumblr guys! Make sure to give support to this lame-ass ship!
> 
> Thanks to everyone reading for all of the support <3! Who knows if I'd bother continuing to write without you.
> 
> I can tell you I have not the slightest clue when this story will be finished, or how many chapters it will take, but this story does have a proper ending. I'm not just rambling off and pretending to write a story. 
> 
> Happy reading~!  
> And happy summer~!

Another morning, I was awoken by his cell alarm. I was unwilling to let that same shift in the bed disturb me. Turned away from him, I grabbed onto whatever I could to stop him.

"No," I groaned. "Stay."

"Alright," he said, with uncertainty in his voice. "I guess I can... for a little."

He scooted back into bed. I edged my way closer to him until I backed into him. I grabbed onto one of his arms and slung it over myself as if it was an attachment to the blanket. I guided his hands, down to my thighs, to feel his skin against mine.

Then up, past my more embarrassing parts, to my stomach, underneath my night shirt.

His hands were curious, touching around and giving the extra fat light, experimental pinches. His lips found their way to the back of my neck. I loved the chilling feeling it sent down my spine under the warm blankets.

And then he got up again.

"I really gotta go," he said apologetically.

"Yeah, whatever. Get fucked, you prick," I bit back. It felt right this way, maybe because it's how I've always spoken to people.

I felt better than I had yesterday, health wise, but I still didn't want to go back to work yet. I'd just gotten so comfortable at home...

I was feeling so hot all the time. I don't know why my body has to betray me like this. All I could do is think about... sex.

But could you imagine me, doing that with any man? I can't. How would it even work? I slipped a finger underneath my underwear and pressed to to my... hole. How would it even fit?

I was deadly curious.

Once I was sure that he had left, I got up to retrieve a small dildo from the bag of treasures, one that didn't end up in the garbage. I could assume Alfred had done that, and it gave me a sharp pang in my chest. It was all because of one of my stupid outbursts.

The one that I picked up was equivalent to probably two of Alfred's fingers. I felt nasty describing it as that, but it was too big for me to call it two of mine. Maybe I could say it was three of mine? No, not quite that.

I kicked off my underwear and lined it up with my bottom. Even using a little bit of force, it would not go in, even a little bit. I guessed I was just too tight.

My experiment was not done yet, however. I leaned over to my nightstand to pick up a single bottle of lube. I had to break the seal, since it was never used up to this point.

I lathered a _very_ generous amount onto the toy. Still, this thing _had_ to be too big, right?

I lined it up to my bottom again. The cold tip pressed up against my hole. I took a deep breath. I was ready to put a little bit of force behind it.

And so I did. 

But instead of refusing entry again, as I expected it to, the lubricant allowed it to slip inside of me, _all the way inside of me_.

My eyes wide like a deer in the headlights, I spread my legs as far as could and edged my fingers in to find the missing toy. It wasn't that far in, and I was able to use the tips of my fingernails to dragged it out until it fell, with a bounce, onto my bedsheets.

Even with no one around, a hot wash of shame came over my face. I was _this close_ to having to go to the emergency room and telling a beautiful nurse that I had lost a sex toy in my ass.

I had to cover all of this up. I took the vile object and took it to the bathroom sink, drowning it in soap and scrubbing like a madman.

I couldn't believe I had even tried that.

_Never again._

~~~

I bounced into Lud's classroom, making my presence known.

"Yo yo, Lud! You ready for our sick gym day today?"

"Yes, I've packed a bag with all the things we may need," he said, gesturing to the bag sitting by his feet, under his desk.

"Oh sweet. I've got a bag too. I made sure to get up a little early to pack it and everything. Which sucked, too! Lovs didn't want me to leave, and it was so comfortable..."

He shook his head to himself.

"What? What is it?" I asked.

"It's just... strange. Knowing Lovino as long as I have... and with you? It's... never something you would expect. I'm still not used to it."

"But, you mean that in a good way, right? Tell me you mean it in a good way," I nearly begged him.

"Well," he smiled up at me from his spinny desk chair, "I suppose it's not in a bad way... for now."

"Oh, good." I looked down and blushed slightly, "Well, see you later."

I really need to stop looking for conformation from other people. I mean fuck! I'm my own man, I can make my own decisions. And Lovino... oh god, Lovino had to be the best decision I've ever made. He gets me so riled up, and yet he's so unpredictable and fragile, I'm afraid I could break him with the smallest of fuck ups. Living day-to-day was a little bit rougher, but the time spent with him was worth it.

In my own classroom, on this fine Thursday morning, was Mr. Braginsky. I wouldn't think of that as strange, normally. He had a habit of finding his way from his room on the second floor to my room on the third. Today however, he was wearing a different expression from the only one I ever saw him have. Today he looked rather coy, and held his hands behind his back.

"'Sup Braginsky dude?" I said, continuing on as if this was a normal day.

"Lots of things. There is one thing I'd like to talk about, though." His childlike demeanor seemed to have vanished.

"Oh? Like what?"

He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and swung an arm forward to reveal a large, healthy sunflower.

"Where'd you get that?" I asked. It's not every day that you find something like that around here. Sure, you could find flowers in the city. It was harder to find flowers that didn't smell like trash. I don't think I've seen a sunflower up close and personal since high school.

"Around. It reminded me of you." He gestured it towards me, hinting that he wanted me to take it.

"Oh..." I didn't really know how to respond. I liked to make everything seem like a normal thing. I'm not one to try to discriminate, but even I know that it's not quite normal for a grown man to give another grown man a flower unless... well...

"I was wondering... uh," he stuttered, "if well... I've been observing you for awhile and I... You are stronger than any other that I've encountered so far. Why aren't you afraid of me?"

I took the flower. I avoided his eyes, because his sincerity and strange way of wording things was starting to freak me out.

"You're just a person, like everyone else. I already told you. Is it so surprising?"

He engulfed my hands in his.

"Yes! It is surprising! You... make my chest have this weird tight feeling. What is that?"

What a pity it is for a man to not recognize the feeling of love. It creates a dilemma though-- make the Ruskie aware of what he is feeling, or say nothing to avoid heartbreak.

"Could... could it be... love?" I said meekly, hiding my blushing face. He dropped my hands.

"Love...? No, that's ridiculous. We are both men, you see?" He paused then, pondering my question.

"I know the feeling, you know, having crushes and stuff. It's alright. But I'll have to politely decline. I have a boyfriend. You know that." I handed the flower back.

"What...? I..." His face was full of a range of emotions from confusion and shock and then to... anger. 

He dropped the sunflower before bolting out.

I had to collect myself for a moment, before picking up the flower and displaying it among President themed knickknacks.

I hope I didn't hurt him too bad. 

I'd hate for anyone to be upset because of me.

~~~

A growl echoed through the apartment, coming from the direction of my stomach. When I dragged myself out to the kitchen to grab something, I found that the pantry and fridge were barren.

That was just fucking great, wasn't it? Now I'd have to buy groceries. There was no way I was going out of the apartment looking like this. I thanked the lord that I live in the age where I could get that shit delivered.

It was a love-hate relationship that I had with technology. I loved its convenience, and yet hated how it allowed me to be even more lazy than I already am.

Nevertheless, I started browsing through food items from my laptop, looking specifically for things that said they were from cruelty-free farms and such, while avoiding the items that suspiciously didn't.

Okay... what to get...? What does Alfred like?

Burgers, hotdogs, everything fried and full of sugar...

How bout I get some extra meat that I can put into pastas for him? Some bacon for breakfasts... some sweet, sugary snacks... Yes, that should do it. I noticed the smile forming on my face, and quickly wiped it away.

It would take some time to arrive, though. I figured I'd watch some television. And though I tend to be traditional, and like to say I have standards, I was sick of watching the cooking channel day in and day out. Let's try something new.

I spend hours watching episode after episode of Little Women: Atlanta. _What the fuck were these stupid broads doing?_ I don't care if they're fucking little people. All they do is bitch at each other. _'She did this behind my back and I'm a fucking petty bitch!'_ I started being vocal, voicing these very complains to no one. I wondered how Alfred would feel about all these garbage television shows.

A knock on the door signified that my groceries had arrived. I had an awkward greeting with the delivery man with a lot of avoiding of eye contact. 

I began to sort everything, preparing to put it away, before there was another knock at the door.

I threw down what I was sorting to swing the door open violently.

"What the fuck is it..." I trailed off, expecting the delivery man again or someone I hated, I was surprised to see Alfred's brother. I should really start checking to see who it is before I do the things that I do.

"Oh! Uh... sorry to bother you. I just... found these clothes around the apartment and assumed they were yours. Gil finally told me where you lived so I could get them back to you." He held up the set of clothes I had worn to work earlier in the week.

I grabbed them and grumbled a 'thanks'.

"May... may I come in...? If you're not busy..."

I waved him in, returning to sorting my groceries. He came in wearily, very unsure of himself, like lost child being invited into a stranger's home. I was intent on finishing putting everything away, pretending not to notice how his lanky body tried to find it's place, and how he struggled finding the words to say next.

"I'm sorry about... you know, the whole thing with Gil," he finally said, finding a nice comfortable spot on the sofa.

"Sorry about what?"

"About the whole... texting fiasco. I'm sorry for his atrocious behavior."

I looked up at him in disgust. "Why would you apologize for him? You didn't do anything."

"I'm going to defend Gilbert," he claimed, more assertive now, "I know you and Alfred are both mad at him right now, and that's perfectly understandable, but he's really a nice guy! He just gives himself a bad reputation."

"It's a bad reputation that he deserves."

"You can't say that! You don't know him like I do. He can be so romantic when he wants to be," he swooned. "He's polite, he doesn't complain even a little about housework... He compliments me all the time, and he's very gentle... He pays way more attention to me than he does to Alfred..."

"What does that have to do with anything?" I asked, finishing my task and now able to look him in the eye.

"It has to do with everything," he looked off solemnly, at memories that I couldn't see. "Everything's always about Alfred. We used to be so close. But he _had_ to start doing all of this crazy stuff, getting himself into trouble, drawing all kinds of attention to himself... I became part of the background. Sometimes I feel like even Dad and Papa would forget about me. Gil understands what it's like to feel like you're just a part of your brother's shadow."

I knew that feeling all too well. Feliciano was absolute perfection. A little ball of sunshine. I was a college dropout. I couldn't find a job on my own. From the outside, Gil and I related to each other more than anyone else.

"I feel like Gil's the first person to truly love me." His cheeks flushed a bright red. I sat on the couch next to him.

"I understand." I put a hand on his shoulder. 

Sure, maybe I don't agree with him, but I get it. We've seen two very different sides of the same person. He fell in love with the side he saw, and I came to resent the side that I saw. Things could easily have been flipped, if he got to know the albino the way I had, and I got to know him the way he did.

"Alfred really was lucky to get set up with you," he sniffled, "I don't think I have any need to be worried about him anymore. You'll take good care of him."

Tears leaked from the corners of his eyes. He had opened himself up to me, almost a total stranger. I held him as he let every last sob come out. It was the least I could do. It felt good not being the one crying for once.

"I'll do my best. Alfred... he means the world to me."

"And Gil means the world to me." He wiped away some tears with his palm. "I wouldn't mind having you as a brother-in-law. Wouldn't that be nice, eh? I just wish Alfred would listen to me like this. Thank you... um..."

"Lovino."

"Matthew."

We shook on it. His tear stained hand in mine had to mean something great. Certainly, I wouldn't forget his name this time.

_Matthew. ___

____

~~~

____

"That was... incredibly helpful, Alfred. I should be able to finish up the wedding plans in a few days thanks to you."

____

"No problem, man! I'm happy to help."

____

And with all of that done, we could finally get to working out. My biceps ached to try out some big, gnarly machines.

____

It must've been weird for other people that might happen to notice us, with Lud as big as he was, compared to me, and I know I appear to be pretty average, lifting the same weights. I take pride in my strength, both physical and mental. I was sure nothing could break me.

____

"I don't know how you deal with him," Lud uttered under his breath, snapping me back to reality.

____

"I don't know what you mean."

____

"I mean Lovino. His anger issues aren't... a nuisance to you?"

____

"Sure, he seems to like to throw some tantrums but it's not like they're directed at me or anything."

____

He stopped lifting for a second to think.

____

"Well, I'm glad to hear it. He needs someone to look after him. If anyone can handle him, I know you can. I... rarely give you enough credit, Alfred. You can really pull off some astounding things."

____

My heart was a flutter. One can never get enough praise.

____

We sweated together until he told me it was getting late, and he had to get home to his soon-to-be hubby. I can't wait to be a husband. I bet I would make a great husband! Thinking about it made me all warm inside. I wanted cuddles.

____

I took a cab back to the apartment, still a little sweaty and ready for food.

____

"Hey, I'm home!" I yelled, slamming the apartment door wide open.

____

But Matt and Lovs were on the couch chatting up a storm. They almost ignored me!

____

"Hey! What's going on?"

____

"Hi... I just came to chat is all. I wanted to patch things up. Lovino is a really great guy." Matt smiled up at me. His eyes were pretty red underneath. _Was he crying?_

____

I felt shitty that I wasn't here to see my brother and my boyfriend getting along. But since they were getting along, I smiled anyway.

____

"Well I... better get going. I've stuck around for far too long already."

____

"Mattie! Why've you been here so long? I'm getting needy!" a voice whined from behind me. All heads turned to him.

____

"You didn't have to come and get me, you know. I was about to leave anyway," Matt said striding for the door.

____

Gilbert looked like he had been stabbed in the chest in response to the glares that Lovs and I both shot at him.

____

He gripped Matt's arms tight when they met.

____

"Why are your eyes red, babe? Were you crying?" Gil asked him.

____

"No I uh... got something in my eye."

____

"Both of them?"

____

"...Yes."

____

"Are you still mad at me, too?"

____

"No, I'm not."

____

"Yes!" He fisted the air. "That means I'm not sleeping on the couch anymore!"

____

"No. You still have a few more days on couch duty."

____

"Aw, no fair!" He stomped a boot on the hard wood. He looked at Lovino, still glaring from the couch, "I hope you enjoyed the phone calls! See you losers tomorrow!"

____

Matt gave him a slap on the head before they both vanished. Seeing Gil rub his head where he was hit was not satisfying enough.

____

I flopped down on the couch next to him. He wrapped his arms around me.

____

"Why is everyone else so shitty?" I cried out, snuggling into him.

____

"Welcome to my world," he grumbled.

____

My stomach growled loudly, startling the both of us.

____

"Well, I guess I better make you something big, huh? Good thing I just got groceries..."

____

I was full of excitement from head to toe. Lovino was gonna make me food. Not only that, but tomorrow, we were going to hit the club. I was ready for a change in routine. _How bad could a gay club really be anyway?_

____


	22. The Night of Our Lives

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I super, super apologize for taking so long with this one. Summer has been even more busy than school thanks to stupid summer homework. If it wasn't for that I would have at least four more chapters up by now!
> 
> Happy late birthday to Alfred and Matthew~! 
> 
> I was hoping to post on the 4th but unfortunately I had a horrible, horrible day. A lady yelled at me for accidentally breaking a flag (It wasn't hers, she was just a bitch), I got pretty bad sunburn on my face, and a friend was an absolute ass to me. I can never get a break. I'm told I just have bad luck with people. I have worse luck with guys. I don't even like guys. Never have. But I attract attention that I don't want sometimes... *sigh*...
> 
> Sorry for the rant. I'm crossing my fingers for better days in the future. Wish me luck!

Late Friday evening, hand in hand, Lovs and I set off for the club to hold up a promise I made with a guy we weren't exactly on great terms with. I didn't like breaking promises. I was sure that Lovs thought that I actually wanted to go, which is probably why he didn't complain, and looked ahead contently.

We walked into the sunset, taking our sweet time, silently watching the few who passed by, or counting the pieces of garbage we saw littering the street. It was finally warm enough that we didn't need our jackets. I took a deep breath, that I was lucky was fresh, or as fresh as you can get in the city.

I liked that we decided to opt out of taking a taxi. The streets were relatively calm due to the time, creating a nice, calm atmosphere. The walk provided for plenty of time to think. My mind wandered to work.

School was nearly coming to a close. Kids were stressed. Lud was stressed... I was surprised my first year had come and gone so fast. Was I getting old? I feel like I'm getting old.

I really didn't understand what was going on with Braginsky. He was trying to poison me, and now he likes me? At least... that's what it seems like now. 

This morning I came to find another one of those sunflowers along with a note. All it read was "Have fun." I assumed he might just be too upset to see me in person. I felt a weight in my chest. I never wanted to make anyone who's liked me feel bad.

So I felt bad because I hurt someone and I was pretty fucking nervous about this whole club thing. What's a gay club even like? Is it different from a normal club, like the ones you see in movies?

We came upon it when it was already long dark. Gil and Matt leaned against the wall outside, looking as if they were about to fall asleep. Gil approached us we neared, giving me a hard, if I could say _friendly_ , pat on the back.

"What the hell guys? You're unawesomely late."

Gil had a quick chat with a man that let us inside. I didn't know what I was expecting but... it wasn't this.

There were still the things that I did expect; bright flashing lights, loud pounding music, colorful fruity drinks...

What I wasn't expecting was so many shirtless and half-nude men. Gil laughed at my shock. My next steps were uncertain, but not near as uncertain as Lovino's.

He clung to my side, tucking himself under my arm. His positioning was strange and a little uncomfortable. It forced me to drape my arm over his shoulder. We walked in like we were nuns in a sex shop.

I'm bi, right? I mean... I thought I was bi. The amount of men in here in almost suffocating. I would say this place needs more tits but the fat dudes are already cramping my style. Though of course I can't say that some of the guys aren't drool-worthy. Except...

That one guy looks like Pops.

Wait.

_That is Pops._

He wore a frilly, open shirt that exposed his chest. He danced and felt people up as he moved, heading in our direction. His face lit up as he spotted us.

"My boys!" He cheered. Matt was engulfed in his embrace. Lovs served as a blockade. Pops had to resort to only giving me a half hug on the side Lovs wasn't on. "And who is this little beauty?" Pops eyed him up in that flirty way that always made Dad hit him. Lovs squeezed me tighter.

"This is Lovino," I said triumphantly. "He's my boyfriend."

"Lovino...?" He felt around the name on his tongue. "I've heard that name before. Are you not Antonio's?"

Lovino showed his face, with a scowl and quivering lips.

"Oh non, did something happen? I seem to have gotten myself out of the loop," he chuckled nervously. "I'm sure it was for the best..." he made a move to greet Lovs, but he hid behind my back. "Hmm... well, I'm glad you finally made it, Gil. We've been waiting for so long!"

"We?" Matt asked, hardly loud enough to hear over the music.

"Yes, yes! Your dad is here too! Isn't this magnificent? The whole family is together!"

Lovs scoffed at that.

"Well, where is he?" I asked.

"Oh, I uh... seem to have lost him. He was drinking too. Where ever he is, I just hope he doesn't lose his clothes. I just got those for him for his birthday, that petulant black sheep..."

This wasn't the environment I'd had in mind for Lovs to meet my parents. Especially not when Dad was drunk...

"So, Papa, you and Gil already know each other? When did this happen?" I hadn't noticed how low Gilbert's jaw had been dropped this whole time until now.

"We've been friends for awhile now! I remember when you first moved here, Gilbert. How long ago was that? Do you remember?"

There was that long pause of silent realization, and then Gil finally spoke.

"I... I'm dating my friend's son?"

"Gil, you don't recognize my boys? I'm sure I've shown you a picture before..." He fished a picture out from his wallet. It was of the two of us, no older than four, surrounded by stuffed bears and bunnies.

"Papa!" Matt whined, batting the picture away.

Gil sighed, "I'm gonna go get a beer," before he headed of into the crowds alone.

Pops stretched out his arms invitingly. "Matthew. Come. Dance with Papa."

Matt gave him one of the warmest smiles I've seen come from him. Matt always had a strangely stronger connection with Papa, no matter how much he said he felt ignored.

Lovs looked around, still making sure to stay very close. I was right from the beginning that this wasn't the place to bring him. As much as I knew it was a bad idea, it was nice to see Dad and Pops again.

"I have to piss. Help me find the restroom."

I had a look around myself.

"Isn't that it?" I pointed to the neon sign labeling the bathroom across the way. "I'm gonna go try and find Dad. He gets... weird when he's drunk. I'll come back as soon as I catch him, alright?"

He hesitated before grumbling off in the direction of the bathroom, arms hugged around himself, and avoiding contact with everyone he passed.

_I'm sure he'll be fine._

Now where in the flying fuck is Dad?

I got lost quickly. The flashing rainbow lights on the dance floor were of zero help. There's Pops and Matt again. They waved at me. Gil was spilling beer and chatting with the DJ, who was filling everyone's ears with KE$HA and Lady Gaga. What is this, 2012? 

I guess I like 2012. I bounced to the music as I scanned the crowd for Dad.

~~~

Women are amazing creatures. They're much better than men. They smell nice, while men have to put much more effort into not smelling like shit, which many don't. Women can create life, have another whole human growing inside of them. They are nurturing and kind. For all that women put up with, periods, pain, _men_ , I don't understand how most of them manage to be so nice.

There is only one time that I would ever wish that I was a woman. Being a woman would be torture, but one thing I would kill for, is to never use a men's public bathroom again.

This restroom in particular wasn't even that dirty. It was just...

There was just a fucking bowl of condoms next to the sink. It wouldn't bother me if I hadn't been able to hear one being used it one of the stalls.

Nearly breaking my own teeth with how tight I had them shut, I quickly used a urinal. The moans of men echoing off the walls was more traumatizing than I ever thought it could be.

I rushed to wash my hands and ran out, panting, thankful that I hadn't been attacked yet. Although people would say I must think pretty fucking highly of myself if I'm always expecting to be assaulted, but I don't. I'm just scared. And that didn't change at all once I was outside of the restroom. Alone.

How would I even find Alfred in this place? There are men everywhere. _Maybe I can just sneak out and make some pathetic excuse later. Why couldn't Alfred just stay and protect me? That stupid jerk... He doesn't want to stick together? Then I'm leaving._

I made my way towards the door, but only for a couple seconds, before I was stopped by a man that stumbled, drunkenly, out of the crowd. He stood far too close to me. I could smell the sickening stench of an unbearable amount of alcohol on his breath. His eyebrows were blocky, ugly to the point that I would consider terrifying.

In a slurred English accent, he said to me, "Hello there, beautiful."

"Go away." I avoided eye contact. Eye contact always makes them think that you're interested, no matter how many times you tell them to fuck off.

"Oh, now, don't be so quick to judge! This Englishman knows how to please!"

"Oh really?" I mocked.

"Why, I could turn that p-spot into a q-spot," he said, leaning in closer.

"What the fuck is that even supposed to mean?"

"I don't know but it sounds crazy, doesn't it?"

Before I could tell this guy off for his atrocious pick up line, Alfred swooped in to save the day. He pulled me in with an arm around my shoulder.

"Woah! You found him before I could! It's gotta be some kind of sign," he winked at me.

"Alfred? What in blazes are you doing here?" The filthy Brit said, sobering up just slightly.

"You know, partying! Matt's here too," he perked up, remembering something. "Oh yeah! Dad, this is my new boyfriend, Lovino. Isn't he cool?" Alfred looked at him hopefully.

This man, apparently Alfred's father, the horrendous excuse for a cook, blinked at me. I stared back angrily. First impressions were a bitch. I hated the guy already.

He however, didn't seem to know what to think of me at all. His face read as only skepticism.

He hesitated to give his reply. "Well..."

_**BANG!** _

The three of us jumped. A sound that loud was only ever three different things; fireworks, explosions, or a gunshot. Since nothing seemed to be on fire in here, my guess was the last one.

Alfred scanned the crowd for a source.

_**BANG! BANG!** _

He grabbed our hands and pulled us to the floor. I wasn't prepared for it, and fell on my ass.

"Play dead," he whispered. 

On my back, eyes squeezed shut tightly, I listened to the screams. I imagined them bleeding, thinking their last thoughts of those they loved, and coughing out their last breaths.

Who most of these screams belonged to, I didn't know. Except for one. It was unmistakably Gilbert's. I tried to think to myself that I didn't care. I hate Gilbert. I didn't know all of these people. But none of them deserve this.

The gunshots continued. I counted each one.

_4,5,...6...7,8...9...10,11,12..._

So much for 'playing dead'. I was shaking all over. Whoever it was who was terrorizing these people, which I assumed to be a man, would see me here, struggling for breath, and decide to put me out of my misery. I could feel his presence looming over me. Alfred squeezed my hand.

I took a deep breath.

_It's me. Of course it's me. It's always me._

I dared to open my eyes. The man wore black from head to toe. I couldn't see his face. The only trait I could pick up was that he was tall. Very tall. 

I looked over to Alfred, on his front, eyes closed, steady breath, unknowing. Good things never last.

Back up, I stared straight down the barrel.

_**BANG!** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 13?
> 
> Leave a comment telling me what you think, or a prediction of what happens next~ 
> 
> I'm starting up a new story, another Romerica one, to write alongside this one. If you have any interest, I believe I am titling it "My Bad Angel's Disguise". Unlike this one, it should be entirely in Alfred's POV. 
> 
> Thank you for all of the support~! <3


	23. Clouded Son

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So of course I'm going to do my very best to follow through with LAFK until the end, but I'm starting up a new fic.
> 
>  _The Love of the Land_ I plan to be much more of a serious kind of story, centered around a whore house.
> 
> I really hope to see the same kind of enjoyment from you guys in that story.
> 
> Update: I plan on deleting _My Bad Angel’s Disguise_ since I’m not as excited about that one and since I’m (sadly) losing interest in Hetalia. I’d still like to write the other doc listed here, but it would have to be much, much shorter than LAFK

_"Yo Kiks, if you pulled down your pants and saw a snickers bar-- like, instead of your dick, would you eat it?"_

_"Alfred, could you not do this right now? We should be studying. Do you remember the equations that we need for this chapter?"_

_"Like uhh, E equals mc squared and fucking momentum equals velocity times fuckin...I don't know."_

_"Then pause it and come look at this with me."_

_"I will, just give me a minute."_

•••

Alfred sat in the center of the couch, staring at the floor, or sometimes his hands, sometimes the ceiling. He would never look at a single one of the other people in the room with him.

_"Eleven pronounced dead after the tragic shooting that occurred in this very building behind me at around 11pm last night. This nightclub had only just recently opened, and yet it will be under temporary shutdown until further notice. So many had lost their friends, fathers, brothers, partners..."_

Alfred's father with the strange looking eyebrows turned off the television with the remote from his spot next to him on the couch.

He continued to flip through old photographs, occasionally placing one on Alfred's lap. Alfred let his head hang loosely, so that no one could see his face, and that his younger self, surrounded by family members, stared back up at him. Droplets came down onto the photos, making their pitter-patter the only noise in the room. Alfred picked one of the photos up, bringing it towards his face. 

"No, Alfred, you're not using them as tissues," the man said, lacking fatherly assertion, and coming out more as a sob.

The room was completely quiet until Gilbert, who leaned against the wall in the kitchen, growled and banged his head on said wall. Once, twice...

"Why?!" He yelled, now using his fists. I wasn't much worried about my wall, but in the back of my head I hoped he didn't break anything I wasn't willing to pay for.

"The wall didn't do it, you twit," spat the large eyebrowed man.

"I agree. Violence does not solve anything," said the Asian man on the floor. He sat with a laptop on his lap, cross legged. Apparently he drove a couple hours just to be here for Alfred. It made my heart heavy, wishing that I had someone like that. Friendship is such a rare and beautiful thing.

"Fucking... whatever! I'm gonna go get trashed..." the albino grumbled before storming out.

Again, for a couple seconds, all was quiet. Then there was the clicking of keys on the laptop. Every little noise was slowly but surely driving me mad.

"Alfred... I'm sorry..." I tried.

He said nothing.

Alfred's dad wiped a stray tear from his own face, before scoffing.

"Well," he said, now standing, "I suppose I'm off to plan some funerals. Don't get yourselves killed while I'm gone, boys."

Last night was not one of my favorite experiences.

•••

_**BANG!** _

The ringing in my ears came not from the gun pointed at my face, but from the entrance of the establishment.

 _"This is the police!"_ yelled the man who had kicked open the large double doors with enough force to make it sound and feel like a gunshot.

The man looming above me jumped and hid the gun he had been pointing at me into his coat. I tried again to get any hint of who he was, but he turned and ran.

Before I had time to be disappointed, _maybe that I hadn't been able to get a good look of him, maybe that I didn't get shot, I didn't really know_ , Alfred pulled me and his father both to our feet.

"Come on! We have to go find everyone!"

"Alfred, no. We'll meet them outside. I don't want to stay in the building a second longer!" 

While the two of them bickered, Alfred slowly led us in the direction that our three... _friends_... had been in. We couldn't see them from where we stood. People scrambled in every direction. These men were looking for their friends and lovers. Everyone of them showed in the looks of their faces that they feared they would not see them alive again.

This place was packed. There were only twelve shots. Chances were, we would find them all okay, or at least still all alive.

Gilbert's cries led us right to them. He pounded his fists on the dance floor in frustration. He sat between two bodies, struggling over which one to look at, and settling on the one called Matt. Gilbert began to rock where he sat. Never had I seen those red eyes so dead.

Alfred's bushy-browed dad struggled on getting any words out. He eventually gave up and collapsed onto the floor as well. Much like Gil, he was uncertain who to give his attention to. He scooted up to his man, the guy who I had just met, and put a hand over his bloody collarbone.

Alfred was frozen in place. He didn't move his eyes, he didn't let go of my hand, I hardly saw his chest move when he breathed. I didn't hear him speak another word, even up until this moment.

It should've been me. And just me. I hated to see him so... broken. Alfred and I hadn't known each other that long. His father and his brother died that night. If it had been me... I was sure he'd get over it in a day's time. I was forgettable. Family isn't.

I couldn't even give any witness help to the police. The tallness trait was my one contribution, and when they asked how tall, I had nothing. My mind was blank. _It really should've been me. Just me._

I didn't like crying in front of other people. I was glad that at least Gilbert and Alfred's dad had left the apartment. The tears spilled and just Alfred and his strange friend was there to see, only neither of them looked at me. Alfred threw the couple pictures still on his tap onto the coffee table, still without a word, or even a sigh, or a sob. Nothing. His friend kept clicking away on the laptop. _What was he even doing on there?_

Alfred got up and headed towards the bedroom. I followed him, hesitantly, until he flopped into bed, fully clothed. It had been a long day. After the... incident... we stayed up all night at the police station. By now it had to be noon, on _Saturday_. I returned to the living room. By now I had lost my patience with the incessant clicking of keys, and decided to say something.

"So, what are you even doing here anyway?"

He finally looked up, tugging out a single earbud in order to hear me more clearly.

"I'm here to support my friend, obviously. His father and brother just passed," He said plainly. "And it's Kiku, by the way. Not _you_."

I half snorted a chuckle. That wasn't what I meant.

"You're not even trying to comfort him! Aren't you supposed to be his friend, _Kiku_?" I didn't mean to be rude, but I knew right away that it came off as that.

"I've known Alfred long enough to know that he, though over emotional about the most minuscule of things, doesn't take long to recover. He'll be back to his normal self soon enough." And he went back to looking at his laptop.

This was just unacceptable. I was still shaky from the whole 'getting a gun pointed at my face' thing. I needed some help here! I walked around to where he sat and caught a glimpse of his computer screen. The anger vanished from my face as I saw a video of Alfred from what looked to be just a few years ago.

He was spamming buttons on a game controller as he looked in nearly, but not quite the opposite direction of the camera. The room was lit up by the television offscreen. There were light bags under his eyes. A pair of legs were also in view, with an open textbook laying on top of them. Kiku unplugged his earphones from the laptop.

 _"So what other dudes would I let fuck me? Hmm..."_ the onscreen teenage Alfred mused.

 _"Why are you always the bottom in your fantasies?"_ said a voice that sounded like Kiku's, only with a light hint of an Asian sort of accent. Korean? Japanese? I wouldn't know.

 _"I don't know, man. I guess it's like, it's always the same with chicks of course, but with guys... I've never seen a guy that I could picture myself fucking. I know that there's probably a type of guy I would fuck, but I haven't seen any, you know? He'd have to be like... perfect. And not like... the whole 'chiseled body, handsome face' perfect, but like... ugh, I don't know,"_ he rambled on and on without letting his eyes even leave the screen.

_"Alfred, what are you even going on about anymore? If you don't study I'm not so sure you're going to pass this test on Monday..."_

_"I'm done, I'm done..."_ he bounced over to where Kiku was sitting, so that the top half of him was cut out of the screen. _"What is it again? Physics?"_

_"Yes. Now, are you ready to start?"_

The camera was suddenly dropped as we saw Alfred's bottom half lunge at his friend. In video Kiku let out a yelp upon impact. It was a hug.

_"What's this for?"_

_"I was just thinking. I've been nervous about this whole dating thing recently. Do you... think I'm really cut out for this?"_

_"Alfred, this is high school. We need to focus on our studies or all of that relationship stuff amount to nothing, or turn into a burden. Just be a little patient, okay? Wait until after college."_

_"College??"_ he groaned.

_"Yes, college. We're gonna get through this together, okay? Then you can find Mr. Perfect or Mrs. Perfect or... whatever..."_

_"Mmm... okay. You're probably right. But you have to keep helping me! Physics is the worst..."_ Alfred grumbled.

_"I'll always be here for you. Ju--"_

And the video cut off there.

Before I had a chance to address my concerns, Kiku spoke up. His eyes were distant, reliving a memory, his mouth was in a reserved half smile.

"I had a messed up phone in high school. It would record at kind of random moments. I could never bring myself to delete them..." his eyes came back into focus and settled on me. "I was looking through them to see if I had any with Alfred's family in it saved. There's not many of them anyway, but after seeing how bad of a state Alfred was actually in, I figured it would be a bad idea to bring it up now."

It was a nice gesture, but wasn't exactly what concerned me. "What's with all the sex talk? Did he do that a lot?"

"Far too much. More than anything he would talk about finding the perfect guy. He claimed it was to get back at his father, but as much as he talked about it... I think all he was thinking about was a guy like you."

"Me?" I exclaimed at that complete absurdity.

"Yes, you."

"That doesn't make any sense," I pouted.

"Perhaps you should ask him about it." 

Alfred's stupid friend doesn't even know me. I ran off to the bedroom to check up on Alfred. I almost walked right in, but stopped in my tracks when his phone rang.

"Mm," he grumbled to let whoever had called know he picked up.

I couldn't hear any of the conversation or whoever was talking to him. Alfred's responses were only meek, affirming grumbles, so they weren't of much help.

When he hung up the phone, I came in carefully, approached slowly, laid down next to him, and looked into distant eyes.

"Uh... hey."

He said nothing.

"Who were you on the phone with?"

He brought up his call history on his phone, the most recent listing being 'Brow Dad'.

"...Is everything alright?"

His head drooped into the pillow. That was a stupid question.

"Alfred...what do you like about me?"

He smiled, though his eyes did not. He tapped a finger on my nose, then flipped to his other side, away from me.

"I'm gonna go make dinner... Would that make you feel better?"

Nothing.

Perhaps he wanted to be left alone. I did as I said I would, and made dinner for three.

I called Alfred to eat when I was finished. He sucked everything in like a vacuum. We ate in ominous silence. Alfred's friend and I occasionally exchanged worried glances. At least I didn't have to worry about him not eating.

Since he drove a long way here, it was safe to assume he was spending the night here. I set out some spare blankets on the couch. 

When I got into bed with Alfred, he was on the very edge on the bed. Everything felt cold and alone. I was just too afraid to even touch him. His back was a brick wall that he build between us. I let the sound of his breathing soothe me to sleep.

But in my unconscious state I felt as though I was walking around in dreamland with a bullet between the eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Lovi's not dead???
> 
> Yep. I planned two different endings for LAFK, and in neither one did he die at that nightclub. Just gotta keep the tension up, you know? There's still plenty more to come


	24. Writing in the Steam

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s been far too long. I’ve been so busy it’s not even fucking funny. Next year I should finally have some more time to write. Wish me luck! I’ll need it...
> 
> The stories I mentioned in the notes of last chapter may not be started/continued until this one is finished, but we’ll just have to see.

The bed was a nice place for thinking. About the present. About the past. About the future. 

When I awoke, I thought about these things again, just as I had been the moment my eyes found their bodies.

The present was disorienting. They were dead. Dad was at our place for only a short time before he left, only to call me not long after to confide in me. I gave him nothing in return. I didn't know how to speak to Gil. What was he to me anymore? He's not my friend, and he was no longer my brother's ass of a boyfriend. But he wasn't a stranger, nor an enemy. Perhaps he could be labeled as a fellow victim. I tried not to think about him. I had no plans to speak to him in the future.

The past made the present more unbearable. The last time I had told any of my family members that I loved them was so long ago that I couldn't remember. I talked to Pops occasionally, but not near enough. I avoided Dad when I could. Matt was probably my second closest friend, and yet sometimes I would treat him like only a stranger. I tried to make everyone think I was better than him. I ran in the opposite direction, always looking out for 'number 1'. But all I was for it was an asshole. 

I groaned as I rolled out of bed, still fully dressed from the day before. Lovs was not laying next to me. I found my way to the bathroom, wanting to wash all these icky feelings away. Looking down at the bath, my blind eyes played tricks on me, showing a memory held in one of the photos Dad gave me.

I splashed soapy water at Matt and Pops and at Dad's feet. Matt sat calmly while Pops lathered baby wash into his hair. Dad screamed when my toddler self crawled over the edge of the tub and soaked the floors. For a second, I almost smiled. 

I shook my head violently and blinked a few times. The bath was empty.

Checking the cabinet under the sink, I found some bath bubbles. I hoped Lovs wouldn't mind me using these.

Kiks told me before that soaking in the bath is good for stress. See? I can listen sometimes.

Once everything was ready, I took a step in and burned my toes on the hot water. I gritted my teeth and got in.

It kinda felt nice. But it felt a little lonely. I would feel better if a had a rubber duck with me. I scooped up some bubbles and put them on my head. Now I have a hat. 

There was still a lot to think about. What would become of the future? The future Matt and Pops no longer had? For a second the question popped into my head if my goals were even worth striving for anymore.

It was stupid to think that, I thought, and then used an arm to wipe the sweat from my forehead. _How could Kiks stand stewing in own juices like this?_ I hit the drain and stood, turning on the shower. Warm water cleared the sweat from my face. I let out a long sigh.

Yesterday I didn't speak a single word to anyone. I didn't say anything to my Dad when he spilled his heart and cried his eyes out on the phone. I didn't even give support to my boyfriend, one of the most emotionally fragile people I've come to know.

In every fiction genre ever a set of twins is special. They are connected. If one twin passes, they stick around, almost as if two halves of one soul unite. Wouldn't it be nice if I could call his name in my head and it was his voice that answered back?

_Mattie, buddy, are you there?_

The steam from the hot bath was still rising thick like smoke. It put a sheet of fog over the smooth ceramic wall. The droplets clung there and sparkled as I moved. Like any shiny thing, it called to be touched.

I moved my index finger across it, to form a name.

_A...l...f...r...e...d...F....J...o...n...e...s_

Exclamation point. Dotted with stars. The water glistened around the writing, making it only visible where the light hit it.

That sad bullshit isn't me. It's never been me. I can get a little sad from time to time, but I'm not going to let myself hurt other people. For _any_ reason. 

_But what should I do?_

Matt's voice seemed to come from nowhere in particular.

_You should go talk to Dad. He really needs you right now._

I shook my head. Nothing like some good old insanity to keep the days fresh and exciting.

I came out of the shower feeling like a new man. A renaissance of Alfred, if you will. I got ready to head out.

In the living room, Lovs was surprised to see my smiling face. I approached him with some pep in my step, and placed a fat kiss on his lips, cupping both of his cheeks, enunciating it with a mighty _’mwah!’_

"I have something really important to do right now, so I'll see ya later. Bye!" And I was out the door before his shock could settle in, or before my Honda boy could explain it all away.

The city was bustling as always. Taxi drivers yelled their profanities, and any one of them who I could catch the attention of I would give a joyous wave. The air was toxically thick. I took a deep breath and choked on it, but still wore the happiest grin that I have in awhile. 

_Remember when we walked these sidewalks for the first time, Mattie?_

For our tenth birthday, Dad and Pops took us out to the big apple for he first time to explore and shop and do whatever else we wanted. It's kind of hard to believe that it took so long knowing that we lived in the suburbs not far away. But to the two of us, and especially me, it was the most exciting experience of our young lives.

We ran the expansive sidewalks as if we were being introduced to wide open space for the first time. The sidewalks were so much wider than back at home. Dad would yell at me when I ran too far. Back then, I would detest him for it. 

We visited all of the famous landmarks of the great city. My eyes shone bright at every one. There were three places that stood out to me.

There was the Statue of Liberty. My first love. Unfortunately, she is 305 feet tall and, according to the internet, has the hots for Lady Justice. I don't blame her.

There was also the remanence of the World Trade Center. It was a dull and quiet street compared to the rest of the city. Where the buildings had actually stood was fenced off, and all that was in its place was ashes. It was an inspiring area. I shed a single, shining American tear. I was a patriotic ten year old. Some people never change.

Times Square was and is the beating heart of New York City. It was crowded no matter the time of day, packed tight like a geek convention. It was the part of the city where the real excitement lived. Just outside the busiest parts were little flocks of pigeons waddling in fast pursuit of scraps of rushing city natives and tourists. It was the best place for it. If I were a pigeon, I'd do the same.

Back in reality, one of those birds is exactly what snapped me out of my funk. He gave me a little bit of side-eye, sniffing me out silently. I stopped and let him. 

"'Sup, bird?”

He strutted off soon after, realizing I didn't have a scrap on me. He seemed nice.

"Got any spare change?" A young lady sitting against an old building startled me. She sat bundled in molded and torn blankets. Her skin was light, but muddied from too long without a shower.

I patted my pockets.

"I'm sorry. I don't have my wallet on me."

She snorted a laugh. "That's always how it is, isn't it?" She shuffled around in her blankets, revealing a rather large baby bump. "I'm seven months, you know that?"

"I bet you're nervous," I said, speaking as carefully as I could.

"Nervous?" She took a look around, "I don't know what I'm gonna do... I think I'm gonna have to kill it."

"You mean like... an abortion?" I paused, swallowing the bitter taste on my tongue. "Isn't it a little late for that?"

She put her head in her hands. "I know."

I crouched down next to her, quiet, because I could find any words. 

"Why are you still here? Just go away. You don't know what it's _like_."

"You're right. I don't. But I can help some other way, right? Look, I'm on my way to visit my dad right now, but I'll come back, and I'll take you to my apartment. I'll have my boyfriend cook you something. He's an incredible cook. How does that sound?"

The looked up into my eyes, weighing her options. After a few minutes, he looked down at her belly. Her stomach growled. For the first time, I saw a baby kick. 

"Then it's settled. I'll be back soon, okay?"

The rest of the way to my old house, I ran. I liked to consider myself athletic, but it still took me far too long to arrive. It had to be at least an hour and a half. I came upon the doorstep, remembering barging in after school everyday with a backpack slung over one shoulder. Today, I would knock.

And he answered. His eyes were red and puffy. I pounced into him with a hug. He squirmed at first, with mutterings of familiar names like "twit" and "buffoon".

"I'm sorry I was being an ass yesterday, Dad. I've never really been appreciative of you, you know, being there for me... or whatever... so I thought the best thing to do would be to come here and try to make it up to you. So... do you need any help? Like in... funeral planning... or anything?"

He put some space between us, and looked up at me in his holier-than-thou British way that he does.

"No. I'll get that done just fine on my own, thank you. You'd probably be more of a nuisance than be of any help."

The sting of his harsh words never hit me. He was probably right anyway.

He went to sit down, on the lonely love seat in the sitting room in front of where his cup of tea sat on the coffee table. I remembered this room being so much more crowded. The long couch was gone, as well as the shelf where we used to keep my video games. Dad coughed to regain my attention. 

"Your uh... _boyfriend_ called a little while ago. He seemed quite worried. Apparently you walked out without saying where you were going?" He raised his blocky eyebrows, waiting for my response.

"Yeah, I did... but for good reason! I had to visit you."

He turned his head to think for a moment.

"I'm happy you've decided to start caring," his eyes turned shiny. "Your boyfriend... I like him. He'd make a good son in law. And more importantly, a great parent."

It didn't sound right coming out of Dad. So I laughed, "I don't know how he would feel about hearing that."

He chuckled as well, "For awhile there, we were almost treating each other as enemies," he twirled a finger around in his warm tea. "I was afraid we wouldn't come back from that."

"Don't worry, Dad. You'll always be my number one ally!" I gave my most exaggerated thumbs up.

"You've grown so much... Lord, I'm beginning to sound like an old man."

"You've always sounded like an old man," I corrected. I sucked in a breath, nervous and almost giddy, as the home from my childhood filled with silence. It was a pleasant quiet, or at least I assumed it was. I thought I could ask him anything. “Uh... hey, Dad?”

“Yes?”

“I kinda ran the whole way here... and I also kinda forgot my wallet...”

“Do you want food or do you want a way to get home?” He understood me too well. I wanted a way to get home, but just the word made me hungry.

“...Could I have a snack for the road and a way to get home, please?”

He left for to the kitchen and was back within a few seconds.

“Here’s bus fare for getting into the city and a few dollars for a cab the rest of the way home,” he dropped the money in my hand and stuck something in my mouth a little too aggressively, “and a biscuit.”

I removed it from my mouth to speak. _”Cookie,”_ I corrected. I was ready to go for a bite, but stopped myself. It’s better to be safe than sorry. “Wait, you didn’t make this, did you?”

“I bought them,” he grumbled, still just as bitter about his horrid, irredeemable cooking as ever.

“Good... Thanks, Dad. Call me if you need anything.”

Outside it was pouring. The city was dark and my ride into it was silent. On the cab ride home, I recognized the building where I’d met the pregnant lady and yell at my cab driver into a slamming stop. 

The torn old blankets she sat with were laying idle, and she was nowhere to be seen. In investigative mode, I searched nearby alleyways, only to find one small crimson puddle nearly washed away.

~~~

There was a storm brewing. Its sound was unbearable in volume and persistence. Out the one and only window of my living room, I could see and feel the lifelessness in the streets. The sweat on the window fogged it over lightly. I dragged my finger across it, enjoying the long squeaks it created. 

_A...l...f...r...e..._

_Stupid,_ I thought, unsure if I was directing it to myself or to him. I wiped away the writing on the glass. The streets were still dead.

“He’ll be back soon, I’m sure,” Kiku’s voice sounded behind me.

“I know.” His father, or the living one, gave me an update call. He’d left to come home when the rain was its heaviest. What an idiot.

When there was a knock at the door, I didn’t get up right away. I wanted to see if Alfred was finally back. There was also a chance that it wasn’t him, and I was pretty fucking tired of that shit.

I went to open the door anyway, and standing there was that all-American man, hair dripping wet on the carpet of the corridor. His head was down, his eyebrows upturned, and all this time his friend tried to convince me he was still his normal happy self.

“So... you’re still upset.”

“I saw this homeless lady— she was pregnant— and I couldn’t help her. I didn’t have anything with me...” he trailed off.

I didn’t even stop myself from smiling. I’d been smiling a lot recently. I hated it. He’s so good.

Kiku joined my side and put a hand on Alfred’s shoulder.

He grinned, “How’s it goin’, buddy?”

“I’m just going. I have classes in the morning. Best of luck to you, my friend.”

•••

“Ha, nice.”

I got him dried off and comfortable. Somehow, he seemed completely happy. I couldn’t trust it. Surely, he was still struggling. He was suppressing it.

“Ooh, she mad.”

“Do you have to comment on every meme you scroll to past out loud?”

“I’m sorry, I’ll be quiet.”

He continued to scroll, now stifling his laughter with a hand. 

He’s so good. Suppressing his feelings and caring so much about everyone— even strangers...

I could mope because I suck as a person, but that would mean I’ve learned nothing.

**Author's Note:**

> Unfortunately, I cannot see myself continuing this fic. I fought and I fought, and yet I couldn’t stop myself from falling out of the Hetalia fandom. Sorry to those few Romerica shippers out there. I tried.


End file.
